separated 8 weeks still on the journey

[labug]

And she hasn't been that person you want her to be for a very long time, from what you write.

That's the hard part, letting go of what we want and accepting what we have, then asking ourselves 'is this enough?'

What LITB says is very true, you are still attached, but you're attached to something that is no longer, you want to change your W, you want the past back. Divorce won't heal any of that, that's our continuing work.

You can't really move forward until you accept where you are today. That begins with letting go, allowing her to have her life, creating personal boundaries for you. I had to have a very similar talk with my H before I was able to really let go. I didn't move to divorce at that time because my heart wasn't ready but my life improved drastically.

Are there any divorce recovery groups in your area or other groups you might attend. Real life guides and contacts are so helpful.

Take things slowly.

[paul19510]

thanks Bug. you've been there for me. I see that. I am easy. feed me a good meal, hold my hand, spend some time with me and I'm happy. She can't and you're right she hasn't in a very long time.

From what she said yesterday, its not really my fault per se. I didn't do or not do something specifically. there wasn't any magic thing I could do that would have stopped this.

This is stuff SHE feels....I keep feeling like there's a solution. I can see many other people approaching me now that are kind and warm and want to spend time with me. Why wouldn't I want that? Why instead would I want to look back at this broken mess??

This is like a nightmare I can't wake up from....I just want to wake up. and yes, now that I look at it, part of me wanted, wants her to see that this is broken but is fixable.

its causing so much pain for me and the kids and probably her too. its just not right.

[bluesgal]

Good post, Bug. Agreed.

Paul-The pain is awful isn't it? Gut punch after gut punch. Time and growth and the decision to 'drop the rope' as they say around here.

I think when you talked to w, you expected her to react or say something that would indicate she still wants you and M. This is why relationship talks don't work. She doesn't know. She is confused and you had expectations whether you realized it or not. I am guilty of this. It only sets you up for hurt. When wise DBer's say No expectations, this is what they are talking about.

So sorry that you are hurting. Process it. Get lots of sleep. Hope today is a better day.

[paul19510]

Good post, Bug. Agreed.

Paul-The pain is awful isn't it? Gut punch after gut punch. Time and growth and the decision to 'drop the rope' as they say around here.

I think when you talked to w, you expected her to react or say something that would indicate she still wants you and M. This is why relationship talks don't work. She doesn't know. She is confused and you had expectations whether you realized it or not. I am guilty of this. It only sets you up for hurt. When wise DBer's say No expectations, this is what they are talking about.


So sorry that you are hurting. Process it. Get lots of sleep. Hope today is a
better day.

hi blue. I will. I got out to the gym and worked out. Seeing my class mates and getting smiles and good mornings really helped remind me that life goes on. It also helped to get my body feeling better from endorphines and blood flow.

I spoke with my big sister and a good old friend about my feelings. I go from anger to tears today to just feeling dumbfounded. You are correct that R talks don't. Work. Although I believe W needed to hear that I am losing faith. She is still continuing to say she doesn't know if she wants to stay married. I told W that married like this is not acceptable tonne.

Blues, you are right. I want her to wake up from this....I believe today now that ive had time to see it, that my heart expected some reaction from W yesterday. She is lost. I cant help her. I must work to let her go and free my self. Thank
you to you and everybody elsenfor looking in on me. I can actuallynfeel it

[juliegayle]

Paul. I think the realization that your spouse in no way is still the person you married (or at least the person you thought they were) is the hardest part of all of this.

BD happens and it is a punch in the gut. Then you start working on yourself and you have expectations that w/h is doing some heavy thinking. You aid yourself the separation did not go at all like you thought.

At some point you look at your spouse and say I don't know this alien person. But I think in the beginning you (at least I did) think that is just temporary.

Then comes the realization that it is not temporary. That the person you loved is gone forever or at least for the foreseeable future. It is like a death and you have to grieve all over again.

Take time to feel all of this. Give your kids hugs and take comfort from them.

Sorry for the rambling. ..

[melissag]

Paul, I agree with the others - you were hoping beyond hope that your W would show some sign of the person she was, or you thought she was. I haven't bothered to have a convo with my H bc he is doing plenty on his own to show he is not that person. Yet we are still in the same place. Where you know it's hopeless but you can't rid yourself of that last shred of hope . . . but that last shred of hope is keeping you stuck in an unhappy place. (I don't mean to tell you how you feel, so correct me if I am wrong.)

It svcks. We use that word around here a lot and it is such an understatement.

[paul19510]

Hi Julie and M. thanks for adding in. I agree that the mask has come off of my W. I no longer wear the rose colored glasses. I believe that what my Friend said to me is true. sometimes we do bad things and get stuck like smoking. Now I'm trying to kick the habit. She compared the way I feel today to thinking about having another cigarette. She reminded me that those just kill you in the end....

[LITB]

Curious to know what your friend is recommending that you do?

I hope that I am not coming across too harsh. Simply trying to get you to see a different perspective.

The way you are feeling today will undoubtedly change. You might feel different tonight, tomorrow or even the next few minutes. Why? Because you are on an emotional roller coaster. As long as you are on that coaster, it makes it difficult to see clearly. I'd say early on, that us(LBS) are in a fog as well.

I am assuming there were times in your M, that your W was everything you ever wanted in a partner. Is that true? Then over the course of time she changed? If she changed for the worse, what makes you think that she can't change for the better? That being said, it begins with you, because you are here. You have to take the lead.

If you decide to move forward with filing, I completely respect and understand that too.

[Roberta]

Your frustration and exhaustion is totally understandable. However, there are strategies to help you through this cycle. I urge you to speak with a divorce busting coach. We can also help you with parenting issues. Call me to discuss our coaching program.
303-444-7004

[paul19510]

Your frustration and exhaustion is totally understandable. However, there are strategies to help you through this cycle. I urge you to speak with a divorce busting coach. We can also help you with parenting issues. Call me to discuss our coaching program.
303-444-7004

hi Roberta. I've. Been working with Joey. Thanks