People can be broken and yet be able to function because they can compartmentalize, i.e., like a pie, you can slice it up and take one piece and yet the others remain in the pan. Here's the definition of compartmentalization: to separate (something) into sections or categories: to separate (two or more things) from each other: or to put (something) in a place that is separate from other things. Here's a good example: He compartmentalizes his life by keeping his job and his personal life separate.
Keep in mind, that not all depressive people will react the same. Again, male depression is very different from that of women. The ads you see on TV about people staying in bed all day, not having energy, etc., this is true for some.
I know that this is difficult, but try not to over analyze your situation because there are many dynamics that are going on w/him and he is the only one that will figure it out because it is his journey to do so. Your journey is to figure out what you need to do, i.e., if there are things about yourself that you think need to be worked on, then do so. But whatever changes you make...they must be consistent and become permanent and not to just get his attention or win him back. It's a time of discovery for you, i.e., to learn new things, make new friends and yes, finish up projects and hobbies that you've not completed.
You are not a victim...you are a survivor. Allow him to swing in the wind and travel on his journey all by himself. BTW, we do get blamed for everything, even if the sky is purple, so unless his allegations are true, ignore them. They have to vilify us so that they have justification to drop us like hotcakes. It's all part of the process. You will need to determine if his allegations are Memorex or live. I suspect that they are Memorex and should remain so.
Focus on you and your daughter.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.