Since my other thread locked before I could create a new one, I'll start here. I believe W is continuing to push me away be reengaging with my sons as they have grown closer to me during her depression/replay activities. We are now in a great tug of war in which everything positive I do is met with an opposite interjection from her. Driving a wedge of some sort between me and my boys at any chance she can.
I am growing so tired of living my life like this. And yes, I feel like in walking on eggshells and planning every move of my day because I live with a ticking time bomb. How is one not supposed to feel the constant threat of more hateful venom as a problem to avoid?
I have read and heard everyone say that she must go through this and she must burn out her anger before she can look inside. I get that, I really do. I also get that some people never do make it out. Her father is one of those. So is her mother. Her anger and hate seem to burn as hot and even more frequently now than they did 8 months ago when she dropped the bomb. I feel at times that in the search for myself and handling her with kid gloves as I have had to, I am losing my self. I am losing dignity and becoming that doormat that I don't want my kids to see.
It's hard to walk around the house whistling and being positive when you get evil stares and your kids look at you because their mother is making faces about everything you say. It's hard to project positivity when all you want is this person to go away so that you can breathe. That's where I am at. I just want her to go away. I don't care about OM. I don't care about reconciliation. I don't like her anymore, much less love her. She has succeeded in that.
Both 40 T-22 M-18 S13 S11
Bomb, ILYBINILWY-7/10/13 EA #1-confirmed 7/10/13, ongoing since 5/13 EA #2-9/13/13
