Lois - do you have any info re links to the issue of OW on this site? Any further reading, even in the archives? Wow - I do find it hard to believe that I am stronger than he is. I feel far more broken than he is (or seems to be). That said I am still ingesting the enormity of the role of depression here...... I think it is harder with men in depression because their defence mechanisms in a lot of cases are so well refined and sophisticated. WAP is a prime example of someone who could hide emotional turbulence. His level of disconnect of emotion is very refined. Lats night I was stronger and was in full belief of what their relationship is built on - lies, lies, lies. As someone posted recently, how can it be true love if it is built on other peoples pain and suffering.
No, my H has cut all of us outta his life. We have two daughters and they have now made it clear they want little to do with him and his insanity. He still blames everyone else. D19 called him toxic to his face. D11 did a happy dance when he cancelled his last visitation. I think he is realizing the damage he has done--hence the back to blaming. I honestly don't know where his head is at right now. And, I'm not really all that interested. I know my life is a lot better without him in it right now.
But, I hurt for my girls. The man I married is one really fabulous man. He is unable to see it or embrace it.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Re the issue of being a broken man - my impression of someone who is broken is that they are unable to function - work, eat, sleep, relate to friends etc. I think he is more than managing all of this... What I did read this morning which was interesting is that often, in masked depression, they van be aggressively fervent about this new life and the OW. Nothing will stand in their way. They want to "live" - in WAPs case he wanted "rejuvenation"...... It is like he is going full pelt into something new and completely different to what I ever knew of him or saw him do. I can safely say that, as Job said, he was detaching for about 5 months very slowly but I NEVER saw BD coming. IT WAS A TOTAL SHOCK.
Yup. Depression in men is different. It just is. And, unfortunately, male depression/MLC isn't understood the way menopause or other depression is understood. Hopefully, someday there will be more information.
For now... Just know that it isn't about you. It's all inside him--all the ick is pouring forth and he has no clue how to handle it. So he is running as fast and furiously as he can. In the wrong direction.
"Lookin for love in all the wrong places, lookin for..."
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
He did admit in his BD email to me that he was depressed. However he blamed me for it. He said that for his own peace of mind he needed to end the relationship - that he had been greatly concerned, worried and feeling a lot of pressure. At the time I didnt even really take the depression into consideration. I was more shocked by the way he said that he wanted a new beginning and that same doors must be therefore closed. He then came out with the usual BS about I want to be your friend (but I know you dont want that - I am sad about it but I have to respect your decision) etc etc. We are different people - its no ones fault - thats the way it is. I need time and space to think. I only want email contact as I cant handle any verbal or emotional pressure etc etc. I of course did not know about OW at that point. I know it isnt me Lois - I truly did everything I could to be in relationship with him. But he just kept detaching and detaching - right in front of our eyes. After reading some threads re MLC and depression my WAP is a poster image of this.....the time frames, the symptoms - everything... There hasnt been any ick (monster behaviour, spewing etc) coming my way - just complete cutting off - cold - indifferent - wanting to get our things out asap. He moved all of my belongings out of our bedroom before I even returned from Oz. My pain is really solid in my heart tonight.... Thank you for listening x
Have been reading Jobs thread about why they run - yes that has been really really helpful. WAP had a very difficult childhood - perhaps I need to place more emphasis on this than what I have been. Emotionally distant (and conversely hysterical) mother and physically/emotionally absent father (due to chronic and serial adultery. He often had to separate his parents from hurting each other - when he was about 15, So surely this must play in to things somewhere. WAPs history has also been affairs - on and off. One things I amy not have mentioned so far is the issue of a certain woman I will call "Default *" - default because she has been in his life for the last 25 years - she had an affair with him during his first marriage - she then had an affair with him during his relationship post marriage (this particular relationship was the cause of his divorce) - and she is still hanging around - years later. She sends him postcards etc etc cards for birthdays/Xmas... x
People can be broken and yet be able to function because they can compartmentalize, i.e., like a pie, you can slice it up and take one piece and yet the others remain in the pan. Here's the definition of compartmentalization: to separate (something) into sections or categories: to separate (two or more things) from each other: or to put (something) in a place that is separate from other things. Here's a good example: He compartmentalizes his life by keeping his job and his personal life separate.
Keep in mind, that not all depressive people will react the same. Again, male depression is very different from that of women. The ads you see on TV about people staying in bed all day, not having energy, etc., this is true for some.
I know that this is difficult, but try not to over analyze your situation because there are many dynamics that are going on w/him and he is the only one that will figure it out because it is his journey to do so. Your journey is to figure out what you need to do, i.e., if there are things about yourself that you think need to be worked on, then do so. But whatever changes you make...they must be consistent and become permanent and not to just get his attention or win him back. It's a time of discovery for you, i.e., to learn new things, make new friends and yes, finish up projects and hobbies that you've not completed.
You are not a victim...you are a survivor. Allow him to swing in the wind and travel on his journey all by himself. BTW, we do get blamed for everything, even if the sky is purple, so unless his allegations are true, ignore them. They have to vilify us so that they have justification to drop us like hotcakes. It's all part of the process. You will need to determine if his allegations are Memorex or live. I suspect that they are Memorex and should remain so.
Focus on you and your daughter.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
