I am sorry about this everyone - I was doing so very very well until about 30 mins ago... I very rarely go on Facebook but I went on this morning - I havent been on for weeks. WAP has removed me from his relationship status (I know this from checking mine......it was adjusted because he had obviously removed it) I also suspect that he has blocked me from seeing posts..... I rarely worry about virtual things like this but it has thrown me in to UPSET about OW (I have also found out that she practises yoga hence his new yoga passion). It has also thrown me back into upset re whether he is really depressed - I assume he is happy and sorted when I am in upset..... I have been trying SO HARTD to detach and it was working to some extent - now I feel like a complete idiot - I wish i was stronger - I really do...... I understand the importance of letting go and acting as if he is never coming back - I am trying to do this. I understand that this is his journey etc. I am crying - I dont want to be - x
Why are you apologizing? It's a natural emotion and yes, it upset you this morning. Have a good cry and then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue focusing on you and your daughter.
What he's done is very normal for the MLCer because he's cutting ties w/everything from his past. He's gone into the world of crisis and you need to understand that he's going to continue doing things that are out of character for him. It's about him, not you. I know it's difficult, but try not to take his actions/behaviors too personally.
Sure he's got an interest in yoga right now and that's because the ow is in to it. You'll be amazed at how the mlcer will pretzel himself into being whatever the ow wants him to be. He's trying to impress her and eventually yoga will go by the wayside and he'll try something else. Right now, you are too close to the situation, but later on, you'll come back and read about his antics and you just might have a chuckle over his yoga stint.
For now, think of him as a child learning and experimenting w/new things. He's going to try many different avenues for change and yoga is the mildest one that I've read about yet.
It's okay...it takes time to detach. Let what you've read today go and focus on you and your daughter.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job I am crying - this is crazy that I am so affected. I think what has happened is that I was doing really well and assuming that I was detaching at a fair rate. Obviously not Although it has been only 5 weeks since BD I had hoped I would be more robust. But i guess have had a lot to cope with.. I am now worried that the relationship with OW is public and I do not/will not know. We have a large amount of mutual friends and I feel so embarrassed........ I dont know why I do - as I did not BD - he is the running partner here. Thank you for reminding me that this is normal MLC behaviour - cutting ties with everything that reminds him of me and D. I will try not to take this personally and breathe. I want to be here for myself and mu D...I dont want to be caught in this endless circle of thinking about what/where he is. It is no good for me or D.... I think the default upset from the information earlier is that I have gone out of the zone of thinking that he is in a depression. Do MLCers behave as if they are happy, a much improved life etc etc??? Thank you for your support x
They wear different masks throughout the crisis. Yes, they can appear to be happy as clams and when they are alone the masks slip and they can sit around moping, staring into space, etc. They also do not sleep very well because their minds are running a mile a minute. Wearing masks tends to get stressful because, as they move along, it gets harder and harder to be someone they are not. All the world is a stage to them until one day, the normal routine sets in and life swallows them up once again.
Why would you feel embarrassed around your mutual friends. Your friends will figure it out in time and you don't need to tell them everything that is going on.
Breathe and remember...you can't do anything about him and his behaviors...but you can take care of you and your daughter.
Hold your head up, back straight and find something to smile about each and every day. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Innis, sweetie, it's only been 5 weeks. Your expectations for yourself are way too high. Slow down. Way down.
If your H had died five weeks ago, no one would expect you to be detached and over it by now. It's silly, isn't it? When you think of it like that?
This part is just gonna stink. There's no way around it. It's gonna hurt, a lot. Don't push it down. Accept it for what it is. Feel the emotions that come up bravely.
Your H is exercising his right to avoid. He is avoiding his feelings. He is acting with cowardice. You, however, have a choice to bravely face the situation.
Accept things as they are today, sh!tty. Strangely, once you accept the truth for today, you open yourself up to heal and feel better. And, IT GETS BETTER!!! Really!!
"Robust" is not a word I would use at this stage of the game.
There may be some truth in your H having "fun" right now. It doesn't mean he is gone forever, he doesn't love you down deep, doesn't mean all those years you spent together weren't real... it means he is a broken man who is finding his relief in some unhealthy, selfish ways right now.
Face the reality of who he is today. Cry it out.
But, while you are grieving and feeling the REALITY of this situation, he is avoiding his feelings. This will bite him in the A$$. Maybe not today, but it will bite him.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
This is what I wish someone had told me two years ago. They probably did, but I wasn't in a place to hear it.
There's gold at the end of this journey for EVERYONE--IF you work for it.
There truly is a treasure waiting for you, but YOU HAVE to FEEL what comes up.
I'm not divorced. My H is living with the OW in an apartment about an hour from our home. In print, it looks lousy...
But, you know what? I like myself and my life more than I EVER HAVE. I wouldn't go back for a million dollars. Really.
I've done the work and I still have my down days, but, even on the down days, I'm glad this happened. My H's problems were the thing I needed to get myself moving towards a much better, happier me.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thank you so much - it is such a comfort to hear a voice of reason and objectivity. Lois -as you rightly say - it has only been 5 weeks. In that time I have had to deal with so much - it has been really tough on a practical level - moving all of our things from his house, finding an apartment - trying to keep my daughter going, my job going, our health covered... I have shelved thinking about OW too much because I havent been able to take it on. I think today has thrown me into reality about her and him ...the betrayal is hitting hard. Very hard.... Job - you have made mention of the way MLC ers delete the old life. He has CERTAINLY done that with myself and D - although he seems to be active and in contact with friends etc. It just seems to be is that he has deleted. In keeping with that he was quick to start cleaning his house, almost before i could get everything out.....He wanted this new life to start as quickly as possible.... WAP is avoiding so much. There has been no real closure on this (except in practical terms). Just BD, a few emails to organise collection of our things and thats it. He has made no ATTEMPT to address any feeling about this - at least to anyone I know.... As I said I dont hold great store in social media - I think it can be dangerous - but his removal of me and blocking , whilst no surprise (I am sure it happens all the time) sort of cements in my head that he has moved on. That he is fine with his new life - just the way he wants it....(or so it seems) I know I am rambling - I am sorry - I am just trying to feel more settled and detached - My belief that this is depression - in mu upset - is less today. I have been so sure but today I feel less so - I feel more as if OW and he are sailing off into a proverbial sunset of perfectly matched happiness (and yoga). I guess all of us, in the early stages after BD - feel this way if there is another person involved. The MLCers can make it seem as if they have found the solution to their happiness through this person and this new life - and they make it seems so believable dont they - they make it seem as if their decision to run and to delete the LBS is the BEST thing they could have done for them.... Love me deep down - I just dont see ANYTHING that would even come close to hinting at that.... Thanks for listening x
Is your H living with the OW who was there around BD - or a different one perhaps? Are you seeing signs of your H coming through the tunnel and reconnecting? x
I know I am rambling - I am sorry - I am just trying to feel more settled and detached -
Don't apologize!! Stop it! Take a look at my ramblings some day when you feel better. This board is here to sort through the junk and find the treasure. You will get there.
Think about what you have accomplished in a mere 5 weeks. Celebrate this! You are strong. You are proving it.
Strong women/men come out of these boards. You are one of us now. And, we will be there, come thick or thin.
Masked depression is called masked because they hide the depression--even from themselves. Getting drunk on love, drugs, booze, spending, gambling, quick life changes, etc... it gives you a quick fix--doesn't it? It's a buzz.
Once the buzz wears off--and it ALWAYS DOES--they are left with themselves and, sadly, few other true friends. Remember that.
You will be OK if you calmly, bravely, patiently navigate this journey. The treasure is waiting. It's in YOU, not your H.
Sadly, he, on the other hand, will still be left with all the crap he is avoiding right now--and then some.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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