Reaching out for support and advice 3

[bluesgal]

Starting a new thread. Wish I could be posting help to others instead of always needing the help/support.

Here's the link to "Reaching out for support and advice 2"

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2409657&page=10

Obviously I am inept with computers

[labug]

NO need to apologize for where you are in your journey. Turn that judge voice down.

[bluesgal]

Here is the correct link to my last thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...649#Post2428649

[Wonka]

Bringing this over from an earlier thread to this one in response to Bug's comments.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bug,

it's within reason that you set a boundary that says, "I can't be with you if you don't get treatment."

Depression like addiction, affects the whole family. Recognizing that and protecting ourselves with boundaries is a step in our healing process.

This is where we seem to view differently. Let me try to reframe this in another way.

Addiction suggests a choice. Depression does not suggest a choice since it is organic with chemical imbalance. When one is in addiction...it is through an external source (drugs, alcohol, porn) where one needs to make a conscious choice to continue with it or not. Whereas chronic, clinical depression is organic...how can one elect to continue with it or end it?

I am with you on the protection from addiction. I just don't agree with the boundary setting for depression: "I can't be with you if you don't get treatment." It is like telling a cancer patient that you cannot be with him/her until he seeks treatment. It is an illness that the person with cancer did not actively seek out. Likewise with MLC.

Do you see what I'm driving at here? I did not choose depression when I was in MLC. It is all a part of the MLC fog that needs to work its way through before it is lifted from the MLCer. Which is why I said in my thread that my fog "dissipates" slowly.

When it comes to addictive behaviors, the family and loved ones set in boundaries as a protective measure because of the potential harm and destruction. Depression does not hurt you or any other people but the person who experiences it.

[bluesgal]

Wonka, I just don't get it. I am the root to all evil in my H eyes.

He says "I don't love you like a H should". "I just don't feel that way about you." "I barely care about you." Everything is ALWAYS/NEVER. The last 2/3/12 years have been terrible. Puke

Then I'm all like: I'm going to GAL and move on with my life. Be all smiles and fun when you come around and then one day this 'fog' lifts. Poof, he thinks he loves me again and wants his M? Really??

I am either too pessimistic or have not read enough on MLC to believe this would ever happen. How do I go from #1 most hated to piecing our M?

I'm happy to move out of his way. It feels so good to not be a verbal punching bag for him anymore.

[melissag]

Blues, I am right where you are with this thought process.

It is extremely difficult to believe that our Hs will suddenly (or even slowly) have a light bulb moment and see that everything they have been doing for however long is all wrong, and that we really are wonderful and they want to be M to us.

I know MWD says that you never would have believed that your H would be the way he is now, so if he can change to not love you anymore and not want the M, why can't he change back to wanting the M?

And while I see the point here, I just think it's so unlikely and, if it does happen, such a long and difficult road.

The one positive I see in your sitch, Blues, is that your H hasn't filed anything, or, if I can recall correctly, even talked about filing anything. So it's possible he does still have one foot in the M. Whether it's because he is still invested in the M, or because he is just too insecure to start over without that security blanket, who knows. But, you have the luxury of time to get yourself together, GAL, move forward with your own life, and get where you need to be emotionally before anything - D or R - happens.

I think you will do much better now that H is not living with you anymore, Blues. It is definitely easier to detach when he is not in your face every day.

[job]

Your last posting indicates a lot of the mlc script. Please come over to the MLC Forum for a visit. You will find that what you are hearing is the mlc script. There are a number of good threads on mlc and the mlc archives have tons of information that will help you better understand the process.

Right now, your h will vilify you because he needs a justification for why he's feeling the way he does. You've done nothing wrong because it's all about him, how he feels and how he sees the world right now. He's very normal for a mlcer and believe me, you'll hear and see more strange things along the way. Only you can determine if they are Memorex or real. As for trying to get him to see the light....you can't. The more you try, the harder he will push you away and run the other way.

No one is saying that you have to be a happy person 24/7. You are going to have days when you are sad, upset and disappointed. BTW, lower your expectations to low or zero because he's not the man you once knew. It's going to take a year or more before he settles himself down and begins to move further into the depression/withdrawal stages. It can take 5, 7 or longer for the entire process to be completed. So, no, he won't wake up quickly. In fact, if he wakes up, it will be just as gradual coming out as it was for him going into the crisis.

You won't begin to piece your marriage until he's almost completed the crisis. Once he's begun to wake up and if he wants to reconcile, that is when you will begin piecing. If he returns home too soon, he may run again because the expectations are too high. Once he's home it will be another 12-18 months before he's completely settled and feels good in his skin once more.

Until he's completed his journey, stay out of his way as much as possible, if you can maintain dim or no contact, it would be better for you. Only contact him if there is an emergency. Live your life to the fullest and do not take a glass of the Kool-Aid he's offering you for it is tainted.

Come over and read some of the threads on MLC. It's not about the red sports car, or the younger women, it's about an emotional ride that requires them go back in time to where they were stunted emotionally and that is generally at the youngster/teenager time period. It's all about growing up.

It's not about you...it's all about him and his issues, issues that you weren't there to be a party to.

Keep the focus on you.

[bluesgal]

Melissa-Agreed. I missed you guys, too. I took a few days off and now I have a novels worth of threads to catch up on. We all need to live closer and do this over some beers. And you're right. I would have never imagined this happening. My H was a good man. He was good to me and the kids. He was a man of principle and was proud of us and our family. He told me this summer "You were the love of my life". Well toss that out the window. I'm being snarky today, but I really am ok. If I think about it, this has been brewing for 2-3 years.

Job-Thanks for posting on my thread. I am currently reading Raines thread in MLC as was advised by Wonka. rH was also mentioned, but I've been unable to locate that thread.

It's bewildering to watch someone do what they say is hurting themselves and others, but be powerless over themselves to fix it. Just a bizarre thing.

[job]

rH's proper name is reachingHigher.

Actually, once you've detached enough and can step outside the arena of mlc, it can be a very fascinating experience to sit back and what them go through it.

Just keep this in mind...there is a 50/50% chance he may want to return. If he does, he will need to do the necessary and hard work to prove to you that he's matured and settled down. You, ultimately, would be the one to decide whether or not to try again. On the other hand, if he opts not to return, it is because of too much damage, ashamed or doesn't want to do the hard work. Either way, you will need to continue on your own journey and be the best that you can be.

[bluesgal]

Thanks job. I don't like betting on 50/50 odds, but I am here for now.

H never calls. Will only text and it's only regarding the kids. I just don't know who this person is.

I went out for a drink with a girlfriend last night. We ran into friends and we reminisced about how I was over at their house one summer day and we had drinks in the garage and such a fun time. H kept calling me and wanted me to come home. Oh, the days when he wanted me.

My friend that I went out with last night has been texted H and her and her H have been offering support. My H texted her and thanked her for being a 'sweetheart'. Gross. Not like your wife that is holding down our entire household and completely caring for our kids is a sweetheart...more like a saint. Loser. Ok sorry. I'm getting snarky again.