Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

Well I asked the W if she would be interested in that temp to possible permanent position at my company.

I acted "as if" she would be receptive to the thought. She wasn't jumping up and down but said thanks then I told a little more to her and she said "Im not sure that is such a good idea". I said "ok, just throwing it out there." and left for work.

Right before I approached the room my W was in I think she was on the phone and was hanging up. In a muffled voice I heard what I thought was "I love you" and she repeated it I assume because it was so low.

I thought nothing of and proceeded to tell the W about the job.

When I got to work. I texted her that I forgot to mention that no one here knows about our sitch so that wont be a problem.

She then texted me back. "I have to quit lying to myself and everybody about our sitch". I texted back. I don't know why you would say I am lying. I m not telling anybody cause nobody is asking."

She said "Its been 8 mths surely they have figured it out unless you are completely lying to everyone."

I said" we don't spend any time outside of work with these people so I have told them you are losing weight and they see I am but other than that not much back and forth." They may know something but aren't pressing me for information.

She replied "that Ludacris"

I said "the only reason I brought up the job is because it paid what you were making before but a shorter commute. No expectations."

To the Ludacris comment I replied "I am sorry you feel that way."

It is like she is hiding behind texting instead of confronting me with these thoughts.

Yesterday when I got home from work something was bothering her. She tried hard not to let me see her face. When I went to my room she left the house quickly I guess in case I turned around and could see her face.

Do I just let it all go?

I am a bit concerned about the "I love you" comment at 5:30a.m.

I know I cant control her and it is not a deal breaker but I am wondering if I should ask about a possible A to see if W admits to anything.

TBH the things I want to know are What is it OM is giving that I didn't? If you love him and he loves you why doesn't he ask you to move in with him? Is he M or have any kids? Does everybody but me know about this A? If there is a EA/PA I know of the person and so do some of our mutual friends. It is a trainer at the gym she belongs to.

I know W does not have to tell me and probably wont. She might become upset I think I could handle that and not get upset or defensive back maybe even validate some of her feelings, even though inside it will be crushing me.

I am just torn between W knowing I know and W thinking I don't or anybody doesn't and her sneaking around making it fantasy.

If it is out in the open would that make the OM back away so he doesn't have any problems on his end if there is a W or Children? Or possibly even my W backing away because now she has to face the embarrassment, If her family ever found out it would be a total shock for a couple of foolish but unmentionable reasons, or consequences of an A? I would not go out and shout it from the roof tops but just the fact that I could might be enough to make her ponder if it is worth it.

I know if the A continues than it would be impossible to R unless it ceased.

If other people know about this A. I also want them to know that I was not the one who chose to go outside the M and I still want to make this work.