How to patch things back in R after affair ended

[GreyMatter]

might mention and my apologies for my threads being over the place but just trying to get some advice. Started one in piecing but Labug said not much traffic and the same in infidelity so I might try and stick to this one. :-)

For me the progress is fine, I'm patient enough and can simply enjoy the moment. But there are things I can not continue with if we are moving forward together - money, holiday plans, getting new car etc. His suggestions to renovate?? These things come up. Even just people asking whats going on. I'd love to tell you but I really don't know myself! It kind of feels like if we don't talk about it - its sweeping issues under the carpet.

[nit84]

I know how you feel about sweeping it under the carpet.

My W and I are not moving forward or backward just treading water really.

We have had some talks about money(she is running out)how to lower some household bills.

I have done what she asked me to do about this and the ball is now in her court.

The ball has been there for about 10 days concerning bills but she has not responded.

The things she said she would do, she has not.

I feel we discussed these things in a mature ways so it is up to her to get back to me. All she has to do is knock on the door and ask if we can discuss bills or anything else for that matter, but nothing.

This was always a pattern in our M. W wanted things done I said sure go ahead and do it then nothing happened till it was almost too late and I would do it.

This was always ok until we S then that way I acted was controlling and codependent according to W. I was accused of never taking her thoughts into account.

It is the same way about D. The two three times we spoke about R and D always brought up by her, she said ok this is what we need to do. I said You chose this path it is up to you.

She has done nothing serious about it(I don't believe). The night I moved back home she said I have all the money why don't I file. I told her it is up to her and her response was it is really difficult to do it. I said I understand your frustration but again it is up to you. She cried I have no money and job and I cant live with you.

Presently, she still has no job, no money(very little) and is still living under the same roof but not talking very much if at all.

I am trying to break past patterns that were toxic to our M. I realize that part is up to me and me alone. The W sees what I am doing for myself and is unhappy about it or skeptical about it. I understand those feelings. I am just trying to be consistent over long periods of time hoping when her journey is complete I will be the man any woman would be a fool to leave.

I do not want to punish her but I do want her to face the consequences of her actions.

How do I pick up more of the financial end(I will need to to save my credit rating)and not allow her or anybody else to think Here he comes again to the rescue.

[nit84]

Grey, sorry for hijacking your thread but interest in if sweeping it under rug was something that was present in your M

[lovethehub]

Has your H given you the reasons he felt the need to go outside of the M? Prior to BD, what was wrong with the M for you?

[Roberta]

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[GreyMatter]

Nit84 - sometimes we brushed under the carpet but only really with intimacy stuff because we fumbled through it. I actually think it was more we didn't know how to bring closure to a situation. Both had opinions both understood and recognised the others ideas but then agreed to nothing concrete so a few things were left unfinished in a way.

LoveTH - He said he just wanted attention, he wanted to feel something and he felt I simply didn't love him anymore. Infact he had in his head that I almost didn't even like him.

Roberta - I have a B coach and she is great, I have monitored the good things and everything is pretty great, its really just my anxiety creeping in and just being scared it will all happen again. I just don't think I could handle the hurt. I'm so exhausted with the amount that goes on in my head.

[GreyMatter]

He just can not talk!!! can not discuss his feelings, never has. Even in the beginning he fumbled over things and cuts me off in a way because he gets really uneasy

[nit84]

Grey, that is exactly what my W does with everything. It made me feel unloved and like I was not giving the support she needed. I thought I was but I guess not in the "right" way. She Always thought I was against her when really I was trying to understand what was bothering her I guess on too deep of a level and it made it look like I was badgering instead of validating.

[GreyMatter]

Yes we both were doing to each other what we thought we should but it wasn't what the other needed. I actually feel like if we cant talk we cant move forward. but again we are moving forward in a way without talking.....its just so annoying.

[GreyMatter]

Well just stuffed up Everything going well and he asked me my thoughts on him going away for a few days so I told him my concerns - didn't realise I was walking into a trap, or so it felt like it. He said I was negative and he just wanted me to be happy for him and a little excited. What? I thought I was giving him what he asked for - my careful opinion. I said I would be slightly jealous as he would visit friends we hadn't seen for 2 years.
I said its hard for me to talk to him in current circumstances as there are lots of things that have come up we need to address and I do not know how to go about it. Thats when he started back peddling, he realised I was slightly entering the 'talking' zone and wanted to cut everything off.
geeeez we both flipped it and now a little angry at each other. biggest backslide so far. I feel its my fault though, I've had such a terrible week and been sick so not functioning to well