Update

[hoper]

Hello,

A bit of my history..as old posts have disappeared ..me 41, H 42 ..BD May 2012..discover a couple of EA 's - his admission and one ongoing one - my discovery...Tells me to move to my parents and that he would support me..i don't move out..

Each day seems like a different mountain..we take a vacation for our S.. he has job issues..no idea why he stops asking for D..whether it was S or financial he does not say ..OW around the EA continues though not in a "frantic , i will die if i don't have her way" . OW wishes me on FB on my birthday... sick sick ..sick

And now..
Want to start off by saying .. invariably land up thinking of you brave folks here..

No spectacular changes to really report , just wanted to reach out here.

Yet in limbo land which some time back felt like a good place to be as had arrived here from the 'we need to divorce asap for me to be truly happy' place.

A new job has got H excited which is nice to see .

So a few months prior to the anniv in Dec, he was all sweetness..initiating conversations, LM, taking active interests in the house hold chores..sorting some plumbing..planned get together with my family who he has continuously blamed for the mess in his life

i kept asking myself is this for real..and so was looking forward for a quiet simple wish on the anniv.. though he did not do any grand public FB gestures but the atmosphere at home was something i had longed for..told myself to hang in there.

However 10 days prior to the anniv announced he is going for the half marathon to the OW city..I was furious but did not say anything.. as he just said it as a BTW ..

After he announced i decided to draw a boundary wherein i said since the impact of your actions on me is not really considered i just cant continue to LM ..as i am not really being fair to myself is what i told him ..

this pretty much shocked him and he said that he understood and respected this .. and it was just the alcohol whenever he initiates and that he really didn't want to do this and he cant say whether he really enjoyed it..

That tore me up further but i kept quiet ..i was so furious didn't wish him for the run and he realized it.

he gets back falls really ill, high fever and all.. home for a week.. anniv comes and goes ..no mention of anything.

Texting , calling yet continue though on a lower scale..

i give in to the LM again a couple of times and when work takes him to OW city he does not speak to me even once during the one and a half days he is there..

When he gets back I draw the boundary line again and this time he doesn't say anything but is upset.

So my introspection has revealed that i don't react to texting as much as the visits..i believe that it is very difficult for him to get out of the tunnel completely..

I am extremely proud of myself as whenever i go into the self pity mode i drag myself from the sad place and tell myself that i really don't have to visit this place if i didn't want to..

He is cordial, though the conversations are far less now..
I really don't know what he was thinking in terms of no dates, no calls in the middle of the day to see how i am doing but expected the LM to go on without me objecting to it ..

The last time i drew the boundary line i told him i feel humiliated as after the act he says he didn't even enjoy it ..
he was quiet and chose not to say anything to that.

Sure this comes across as way to arm twist him to make declarations but i realized i was getting quite upset at the lack of acknowledging any progress however small in our relationship..the fact that he could initiate LM when a year back my pinkie could have him sprawling on the floor ( yes like all MLCers he would cling to his side of the bed) was a giant stride for me.

It is very confusing as not sure whether i am doing the right thing as LM was a 180 for me in terms of the comfort and seemed like the only way he could communicate some kind of love for me..and i really enjoyed it

So if any of you wise people have any kind of input on this please do help..
It seems to me he comes across as an cake eater rather than someone who wants to work on the relationship so the boundary healthy for me but wish it was some another boundary as this seemed like he seemed to be connecting ..

wishing you all the calm and the strength to take you through ..

BTW , it does pass