separated 8 weeks still on the journey

[paul19510]

journal: I had a good time at S12 hockey game and D13 came along. She's bee spending more time with me lately.

D16 showed me the text exchange between W and her. D commented that W is selfish. I didn't tell her but I agree. W relayed to D that the rest of us seem to be moving along without her. Did I miss the fact that she left?!? Were we all supposed to sit around and cry? W told D she cries herself to sleep at night.

When I spoke with W this morning I cried. I told her, my tears are not a sign of weakness. I am strong. She said she knew that. W seems "blank". Almost like what others describe. I told her that I had enjoyed holding hands, going to eat and ML. She said she wished she could feel those things and felt mad knowing she did not. Strange. Being a H and father has ben my privledge. I told W, I will be a H again someday. I want to enjoy that life again. I know that someone will care and want to be my partner. I told her, I had wanted that person to be her, but she doesn't seem to want the job.

My emotions are all over the place and I'm exhausted. I will sleep good tonight.

As of now, I feel sorry for W and want to protect and help her. There's nothing I can do and nothing she wants from me anyway. I haven't told her and she has no idea. I think she regrets some of the decision(s) she's made because it made her life hard, but she doesn't miss me and will not return. I don't want the same broken person back anyway. we'd just fall apart again. off on my own journey I guess.