melissag XII - must. detach.

[Underdog]

Melissa,

No coffee yet because I had to leave early to pick D16 up yesterday and now she's home sick. Tomorrow?

Sigh. I hope Bug or 25 come over here to help me get you to put down your glasses and go blindly for a few minutes.

I didn't say "you shouldn't feel" hurt/angry. You've just got the semantics down wrong.

He can't make you feel that way. Own it! It doesn't mean that he's not a jerk. It doesn't mean that he doesn't intend to hurt you. It may be his goal.

So you say instead, "I'm hurt (or whatever emotion) because H said X."

You didn't say, "That hammer made me hurt." You'd say, "A hammer felt on my foot and I was hurt."

Your H does things that hurt you. Check. But he doesn't make you feel anything.

I can't count the number of times I begged my H to just acknowledge my feelings as valid. But, and he has admitted this (and thinks it's OK), he would play judge and determine whether I was allowed to feel hurt (or angry, or whatever it was).

Okay, the real question I want to ask you is why you continued to play this game with him, when you knew how it would turn out? The 2nd question I want to ask you is why you gave him the power to decide whether or not you're entitled to your feelings?

Now, I'll tell you that I had to learn this the hard way. And I didn't get it until I got it. Since you seem to learn from real life situations, I'll share this with you. Because it took me time in therapy to "get this".

My mom, whom I love, has issues of her own and is really good at deflecting shame outward. (Though she is not narcissistic, this is the cornerstone of classic narcissistic behavior.) She also blames others for making her feel angry. She's better now that we're grown, but she's never been one to go into C to figure her stuff out. I seemed to be the person who got the deflection the most: I'm the oldest and I am outspoken and I would fight with her. My sister is 2 years younger, and although she wanted to be the fighter, she saw how miserable things were so she just watched. And my mom has a very codependent R with my heroin addicted younger brother.

You know me as the person who yells out the emperor is naked. I've always been that way. It's how I stay real with myself. My mom isn't like that, and when I called her out on stuff that was not cool and often not even in line with her Christian beliefs, I received it back in spades. She'd yell stuff at me that deflected her shame and it always came back to me. Then I would say, "she makes me feel awful." And I'd lament how I couldn't have an honest conversation with her without it coming back to me somehow.

I'll jump to the end of the story. While I don't yell out the emperor is naked much with her anymore, I just leave her be. I choose not to put myself in situations where I know how it will go. It's like expecting a cat to bark.

In the middle was a lot of therapy. It's NOT MY FAULT that I can't have the type of conversation with my mom that would allow her to be vulnerable and get closer to me. IT'S NOT MY FAULT that she thinks I'm unreasonable for wanting that. It sure as heck DOES hurt that she does this. But I realize now that it's not her fault I feel the way I do. It's mine. Therefore, I had to choose coping strategies that put me in the position of not having to go there. Does it make me angry that she does it? YES! But does she make me feel angry? NO! The solution lies in what I do to deal with someone who doesn't want us to move closer together.

I say this with the caveat that I love my mom and she's there for me. She's a good mom. But she lacks the ability to do this work or she just isn't willing to figure out why she does this. Maybe she doesn't see this as a problem. The truth is, it's a problem to me alone, and therefore, it's my responsibility to manage how I feel.

There are people out there who have no empathy, Melissa. They don't choose to grow. They don't want to see their own flaws, let alone fix them. They don't want to learn how to be fully themselves with others. Nobody can make them do what they don't want to do. And while it's not exactly fair that they blame others, they can't make you accept it unless you're willing to do it.

Make sense?

[3boymom]

Knowing (well, not knowing, but signs pointing to) that my H has found himself someone to replace me just plain hurts. Just the overall feeling that I am a piece of garbage to my H.

I know this feeling all too well. I am pretty sure that I screamed it at my H when I found out about his A. So, I completely understand the feeling of being disposable to someone who promised to love you and protect you forever. I hurts a TON.

And it is okay to cry. The decisions that you are having to make are difficult. If you did not have a bad day here and there, I would be worried. The good thing is that you are having many more good days than bad.

However, GM is 100% correct. Your H is on a search to fill a void within himself. The OW is just stroking your H's ego, likely making him feel like a teenager again. He will continue to bounce around looking for external sources to make him happy until he runs out of people to blame or things to try and finally looks within himself.

[Georgiabelle]

Oh Melissa....I'm sending you a hug. I'm only about 7 weeks into this process and I had been doing fairly well until a blow out Sunday night. I've been a crying machine. It's perfectly normal to have good days and bad days and you seem to have many good days. Still, it's okay to cry.

I agree with the others. This is a painful reality that can be difficult to digest. We ALL have issues in our marriage and both parties contribute to those. But I genuinely believe that when people experience a MLC, that is all within the MLCer. You could have made him muffins every day and greeted him in a Victoria's Secret Angel costume every night with a martini and he would be in the EXACT same place. He's on a quest for happiness but he doesn't realize that he has to start within himself.

Sending you a hug (with some non waterproof mascara on it:)

[Underdog]

Aww, Melissa... hugs for you because I'm sorry it's a yucky day that has you crying. It is definitely cold as hell and I'm still in my robe and pajamas while D16 is sleeping in MY bed.

I think I should come out and say it like Gineen did, but this time I'm yelling the emperor is naked. Your H has some faulty wiring, Melissa. Somewhere in there is a damaged little boy for whatever reason, and he's not willing to heal those parts of himself that hurt - it's so much easier to run away and blame others than to accept responsibility for why his life isn't working.

And like Gineen said, with that type of personality chip malfunction that he has, I doubt there is anything you could have done to get him to step up without some intensive behavioral therapy.

Still, it's up to you to fix the broken parts of yourself and heal them. It's a good thing, my friend. Because the hurt lets you know that you're human and fully alive, and it hurts because you DO love. You're capable of it. You're willing to do the work. If you work hard on addressing those things, you're going to be a lot happier because of it too. It's liberating and freeing once you know that you have the tools and skills to manage your own emotions and actions. But you start running by taking one step. And that first step is identifying the *why*. It's not for the faint of heart to go boldly where no man has gone before. Or at least where you haven't been as of yet.

Once you're successful at identifying those underlying issues, you'll not settle for being in Rs where someone else says jump and you say "how high" at your own expense. It's not love if it hurts you to give them what they demand. You deserve love, my friend. You really do.

Hugs. And more hugs.

Betsey

[bluesgal]

Hey Melissa- So sorry about your sad day. Just caught up on your sitch and sounds like you've got some tough choices. You're a tough gal and you know what has to be done to take care of you and the kids. Cry away. It just feels good sometimes.

[paul19510]

Hi M. You didnt do anything the caused all this. It takes 2. My W said as.much today. I asked that very question. Why are you throwing me away...? She said it wasn't anything I did or didn't do. She said she just feels this way Bc of our diffferences. You're going to be fine one day very soon. Keep your feet moving. You've got a wonderful life waiting for you

[2ndTimeHurt]

Hey m.

I was reading the last 2 pages of your sitch and it really sounds like the advice you're being given is straight from the 4 agreements and pathwaytohappiness.

"I don't think I agree that nobody can make me feel anything. For example: when my H tells me that, since he bailed on our M and moved out of our house, he is the happiest he has ever been - that makes me feel hurt. I don't see a way around it. I mean, I can tell myself that it has nothing to do with me. Yes. But it still hurts. I can no more control my emotional pain than my physical pain, can I? You would never say, "that hammer that fell on your toe doesn't hurt unless you let it." Umm, no. It hurts. How is H saying that not H making me feel hurt?"

Emotional pain is different than physical pain. It actually relates to the free will podcast I mentioned to you a long time ago. You need awareness and will power but awareness is key. If mr bond read your comment he would flat out say you have a choice. Choose not to feel that way. The pain you describe above relates to not taking things personally as well.

I know you have awareness and will power. You can get to a point where you will be less affected by what others say or think about you.

My ex said something very hurtful to me a few days ago. I was truly hurt to the core. But after reflecting I'm not going to take it personally. In fact I'm looking for positives in it. If I had super awareness and will power at the time she said it, I probably wouldn't have been hurt by her comment. At least I had some latent awareness to not feel hurt by her comment.

[labug]

Melissa, I've said it here I think, I was a basket case for the first 6 months after H left. Totally out of character for me, and even looking back I'm surprised at the level of my devastation.

I hit the proverbial bottom, (I had been circling for awhile) the only way to go was up. This is difficult, painful work and it can be very threatening and frightening to take that really honest look at ourselves.

I know this sounds trite but trust the process.

To build a new person we first have to deconstruct the old. I can remember wracking sobs crying in the shower and hours of staring at the ceiling wondering, why me? I oftentimes thought I must be a really bad person. I wasn't, I was just really lost.

But OMG, how great life is now. Hang with this and get your T involved.

Now this:

Okay, the real question I want to ask you is why you continued to play this game with him, when you knew how it would turn out? The 2nd question I want to ask you is why you gave him the power to decide whether or not you're entitled to your feelings?

I had the same or similar question.

Also, what changed when you got married that he suddenly didn't recognize your feelings or was he always this way and you thought he would change?

Betsey's example about feelings and who's responsible is great, and I think a key is to recognize exactly what it is you're feeling and challenge yourself to accept it and deal with it. Ask yourself why you're feeling that way. It's almost never about what's going on in the moment and it's usually old stuff within us.

I want to say one other thing, this is not about why your H left. Who knows why he left, not your issue.

His leaving was the catalyst for this opening, giving you the ability to create a very new life for yourself and change the dynamic in all your Rs.

You're probably thinking "But all my R are fine except this one!" That may be true, but you've been given this opportunity, this awakening, why not take advantage of it?

[labug]

Just read Betsey's last post, I think we said much the same thing. Sorry to rehash.

[3boymom]

M - I hope that your conversation went well with the L and that your day turned around a bit for the better!