melissag XII - must. detach.

[labug]

Melissa, I've said it here I think, I was a basket case for the first 6 months after H left. Totally out of character for me, and even looking back I'm surprised at the level of my devastation.

I hit the proverbial bottom, (I had been circling for awhile) the only way to go was up. This is difficult, painful work and it can be very threatening and frightening to take that really honest look at ourselves.

I know this sounds trite but trust the process.

To build a new person we first have to deconstruct the old. I can remember wracking sobs crying in the shower and hours of staring at the ceiling wondering, why me? I oftentimes thought I must be a really bad person. I wasn't, I was just really lost.

But OMG, how great life is now. Hang with this and get your T involved.

Now this:

Okay, the real question I want to ask you is why you continued to play this game with him, when you knew how it would turn out? The 2nd question I want to ask you is why you gave him the power to decide whether or not you're entitled to your feelings?

I had the same or similar question.

Also, what changed when you got married that he suddenly didn't recognize your feelings or was he always this way and you thought he would change?

Betsey's example about feelings and who's responsible is great, and I think a key is to recognize exactly what it is you're feeling and challenge yourself to accept it and deal with it. Ask yourself why you're feeling that way. It's almost never about what's going on in the moment and it's usually old stuff within us.

I want to say one other thing, this is not about why your H left. Who knows why he left, not your issue.

His leaving was the catalyst for this opening, giving you the ability to create a very new life for yourself and change the dynamic in all your Rs.

You're probably thinking "But all my R are fine except this one!" That may be true, but you've been given this opportunity, this awakening, why not take advantage of it?