Feels like I've been away from this forum for ages!
H anger spewing and volatility has resulted in him moving out. His idea-I agreed.
He left in tears saying he had a lump in his throat the size of a grapefruit. Said if I ever need anything I can call and count on him. WHAT???
He slept in a hotel on Friday night, then in his truck on Saturday night. I know this because he has contacted us a couple of times.
He was trying to come home already on Sunday, making silly excuses like, I can pick up this (unneeded item) or that and bring it over. His texts were very sad sounding.
Then Monday night we spoke on the phone and he was sobbing and screaming (cycling back and forth). "I didn't want any of this. I miss the kids. There's no way out. I feel trapped everywhere I go. It's all your (my) fault." He was cursing God and challenging him. He was driving around avoiding sleeping over at his (loser) buddies house again. (I think H is embarrassed)
He doesn't understand (remember) that when he's home, he wants to leave, and when he's gone, he wants to come home. I told him I was there for him-He said no you're not. I told him I cared for him-He said no you don't. I told him I hope he can search inside himself and find his happiness-He said maybe I should search inside myself.
He misses the kids he never calls or texts. I just don't get it.
I should mention that he was late for work again. Twice in 1 week. He is a MESS. Historically, H has been late to work a couple of times since I've known him in 20 years. He takes his (unfulfilling) job very seriously.
The good news: Him being out of the house has helped me make huge strides in detachment. I've even been..wait for it...HAPPY a couple of times that he's been gone and I feel that weight off my shoulders. No more tip-toeing. No more waiting for the anger to lash out. We are at peace at home. H is out somewhere spiraling.
As I've researched, I'm now wondering if I should be posting in the MLC section since H is following script 100%. I've been afraid to look at MLC info due to fear. Well-it stared me in the face. H is deep in MLC. I know it doesn't change my current stance or how to handle myself and my life. I know that this is a marathon-but now I fear the cycle and more crazy behavior to come.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
I don't think I have to change forums. I like where I am right now with some great people.
I am feeling "concern" for my H. But I am no longer worrying and fretting and snooping and obsessing.
I am feeling happier. I am not my old happy self yet.
I am feeling better about moving forward with my life and doing things I was holding back before while still trying to control the situation.
I have let go of the rope.
Ah, that feels good.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
It sounds like your H is completely lost right now and has no idea how to find whatever it is that he is looking for. Clearly that is all your fault. ??
I am glad that you have been able to find some peace in your home and even some happiness! I sure hope your H gets it together, but yes, that is on him not you.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Blues - While I am sad to see that your h is in the middle of a crisis, I am glad that you are able to find some piece and happiness at H. It is a nice feeling to no longer have to tip toe around and live in a battle field. After BD, I was desperate for H to be at the house. After I found DBing and started to get in gear, I could not wait for H to get out of the house. I remember locking the front door behind him, exhaling and enjoying every second of just being ME. It was refreshing. It still does not take away all of the sadness and anger. I cant see any good coming our of interactions with your H in his current state. He wanted to desperately leave and find happiness "out there." SO let him go look. We all know that he is not going to find it. Focus on yourself and the kids. You cant fix your H.
Blues, wow your H is a hot mess! My first thoughts when reading your post were same as labug's- he sounds depressed. And I don't mean just feeling a little down, but clinically depressed. Do you think he may be suicidal? I hear some of the warning signs in what you described, but you're the one that sees and talks to him so you'd know better. Obviously we're not doc's here and can't diagnose mental illness, but you might Google "warning signs your loved one may be suicidal" and read some of the material to get a better idea of what to watch for. Unfortunately he's not in a mode where he's interested in listening to you, so if you think intervention is required then you might seek the help of a counselor.
You might want to look up rH's and Raine's threads over in the MLC forum. Yes, your H is deep in MLC chit and spouting perfectly straight from the big ol' MLC manual. We have a secret stash of our well-worn out MLC manual over in the MLC forum that we'd be happy to loan out to you.
Blues- agree with everyone here. Your H is sick and it sounds like he could use some professional help. I was thinking the same thing as AS. Are there any friends or family members he would listen to since it cannot come from you?
At the same time it is great to hear you are experiencing some happiness. You deserve it.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
To me, H isn't suicidal or presents any suicidal ideations based on the above comments alone. He's just deeply mired in MLC chit and he needs to work through it himself. Unfortunately, his comments are part and parcel of the MLC journey. I should know as a reformed MLCer badass.
Julie,
I am sorry to inform you that MLCers aren't interested in listening to the LBS, family or friends at all. They just want to be left alone and not have anyone correct or contradict them. The best thing [and the most loving thing] to do with the MLCer is to allow them to walk on the yellow brick road by themselves as they are in a crisis that may last several months to years. Mine was 5 years.
