Thanks everyone! While I am grateful that I am no longer dealing with the very angry H that was around right before and after BD, this new kinder H is also trying. It is hard because it feels like things are back to normal. If you take away the fact that he does not live here and that ML is minimal (which I acknowledge are HUGE things), the rest of our interactions are better than they have been in years.
For two years, H lived in a world where only he existed. H only cared about his work and those people who supported his work. Nothing else mattered. I see my H making connections to the things that really mattered before his crisis. He reconnected with the kids. He has made an effort to meet up with friends that he had neglected for months. He started going to church again.
I know that he is actively trying to reconnect with me. I know for a fact (because he told me) that he is scared of losing me. However, I am also fully aware that he is trying to keep all options on the table for fear that he is going to make the wrong choose. I don't want to be his Plan B. So I will take everyone advice and continue to enforce my boundaries in a tactful and kind way.
While H is definitely cake eating, I believe that it was important to my journey to see that our connection really is still there. For a while, I thought that maybe all of the horrible things that my H said about me were true. He rewrote our history to the point that he convinced himself that he may never have loved me. I knew that he was so wrong. It has helped me to see that while I have my faults, this S and potential D are really about my H and his issues. I am sure that this points out my co-dependency problems (I just ordered the book that everyone suggests) but I honestly just needed to see that I had not been imaging the past 13 good years of our M.
I dont think that I will have any regrets or "what ifs." I have stood for this M with grace and dignity. I have done and will continue to do the hard work. I am a completely different person than the girl who sobbed in a ball on the floor the night H walked out.
And I know that I am a different person because of all of the people on this board. I am scared to think where I would be if I had not come here. So thank you all from the bottom of my heart!!
