Just Joining Husband possibly MLC

[Mic]

Hi
Thank you!
It helps to pour out my heart.
Yes - I never wanted my children in daycare. I was blessed to be able to take them to both jobs with me.
I did change the things he wanted but some of them I needed to change.
I am an only child and was very spoiled growing up. I don't think I ever learned how to be a wife. I am a great mom but I was not a good housekeeper. Bonus is now the house looks amazing all the time. I am proud of that. I would always choose to take the kids for example to the zoo instead of doing laundry, cleaning house. For the past few months I have been using flylady and implementing cleaning changes. Having everything organized actually makes me happier.

He never wanted to interact with my family. My mom and him did not have a good relationship. Unfortunately I would always pour my heart out to her instead of telling him. Made her hate him. Although doing things with his family was mandatory so for the past few years I would just tell him as I was leaving that I'm going to do such and such and not give him time to go. I had gotten tired of him backing out at the last moment so stopped inviting him.
I know that I contributed to a lot of the problems in the marriage. I was willing to work on them and had been. Whereas he believes he was the perfect husband that just didn't love me and needs to be free to find his own happiness and not be suffocated.
I pushed for just a separation when he brought up a dissilusionmemt but he said Absolutely Not. He feels like he is finally able to breathe now. I speak with people that are going through a divorce/separation and they all say it is the hardest thing they have ever done. For him he feels so happy and it is the best thing he has ever done. Hurts so much to be completely and totally rejected by the person that promised to be with you forever.
I am dying inside not being with my children 1/2 the time. Especially when I have always been there for them all the time. And now he has stepped up to be Mr. Dad. He felt like he just wanted to nap and not be with them/us but now that he is on his own he said he has to do it and has the energy since I'm out of his life or soon will be.
I was polite today and left within 5 minutes of him arriving. I did text him early this morning to tell him what food for the kids was needed. I debated about it but since there was a huge ice storm last night I did not want him taking our children out in the snow. I also told him that when he goes he can take his dog with him, and bring it back when he is there. I'm tired of taking care of it. I said I would take my dog when I go. He wanted this dog but has never taken him to the vet or did anything that was needed for him. (I did) I told him at the beginning of the month he's due for shots, tags etc. I felt like he always played while I sacrificed.
It hurts so much because when the BD happened in October I was in shock because I truly believed he would never leave. Then I worked on all of my issues and it was great the last 3 months except that I do see that I kept saying "Are you staying" Actually about 3 weeks in I told him to Leave if he wasn't happy and he begged for more time. Then in late December when we separated completely he said he realized he will never love me even in 10 years and he has to get out now. It will make the kids happier in the long run. A few weeks ago I told him that the oldest was crying and moping. He said I was lying and the only one sad about this was Me and for me to get over it.

I had finally felt grown up and saw what marriage should be like. Just that now it is way to late. The divorce is on it's way and I'm still in shock.
I'm also not a very patient person - Learning patience:)
Every day brings with it a roller coaster of emotions.
He is a good person. I think we both are older but needed a lot of growing up and I feel like our kids are suffering for our mistakes.
I am willing to do what it takes to save/restart this marriage but I feel it may be to far gone.
Is it always this bad when one walks out.
Another bonus is I never spoke up for the entire time we were married. I would give him the silent treatment and just try to figure out what would make him happy. Now that I know he is gone I feel that I can say what I want, argue because he's already gone. I wish I would have been my true self the entire time because what I did pushed him even farther away.

Thanks for listening!