Well, this is a crappy day. I find that I don't cry too often anymore, but when I get going . . . ugh.

I don't even know what is upsetting me. I think it's just a combination of things. Definitely the prospect of filing something is upsetting to me, on a number of levels. Knowing (well, not knowing, but signs pointing to) that my H has found himself someone to replace me just plain hurts. Just the overall feeling that I am a piece of garbage to my H. Regretting the things I did in the M that led to my H leaving. And looking at how much of myself I lost in the M is really hard. Wondering how I could ever consider another R after going through what I am, but thinking the alternative of being alone forever is also terrible.

I think I need to get myself together and go out and do something. I don't think it helps that it is below zero here and I am hunkered down at home.

me: 44 XH: 42
M 11 years
D10 and S8
Bomb drop 9/27/13
D final 7/1/14