melissag XII - must. detach.

[labug]

Could a little bit of both be true? I ask because this sounds a lot like me in the early days of my situation. Been there, done that.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean here.

"it's just the way that H has judged the fact that I am strong and self confident and not afraid of conflict. He views that as me being a "pain in the ass" or "having strong likes and dislikes" or "always insisting on getting my way" or whatever it is. See, because H is a chameleon and a pleaser and he views his inability to make hard decisions (or even easy ones) as being "flexible," which is what he thinks all people should be."

That sometimes you could be a PIA and sometimes he was a wishy-washy pleaser.

-and-

There were sometimes that you were standing on principle and he was being flexible.

Or any combination of the above.

The more you judged yourself the more you felt judged by him, the more you got locked into the your roles and here you are. (I know you've had tons of homework thrown at you but look up Karpman drama triangle author Forrest, it's a short read)

It all depends on perspective and our character. To be able to hear what others say, look at our behavior and if what they say has some validity, change something -or- to look at our behavior, realize we're OK with it and say/think, Thank's for you your input but I'm good.

Are you working with your C about why you judge yourself so harshly?

FIL story: My FIL and I had a similar R to what you describe. He was the MAN of the house who came home from work, sat in his chair and MIL waited on him hand and foot. I was appalled. (judging)

He was also a pontificator, no one had ever done anything quite like he had. (judging)

I felt that he didn't appreciate my razor wit and intelligence.(judging) He and I sparred a bit, both trying to prove how right we were. I had something to prove.(weakness)

I finally figured out I was looking for something from this man that I was never going to get...and why did it matter? I was also judging him, which was not my place. I had to figure out what was off inside me, that made it matter. He didn't dislike me, I didn't dislike him (well, maybe a little) and the kicker was he LOVED, LOVED, LOVED my children and was a wonderful grandfather to them.

He could have his opinion of me (and to this day I don't really know what that was) but it didn't have to be my opinion of me. (Q-TIP Quit Taking It Personally)

So I took off my gloves. I accepted him for who he was, saw the good in him and let the rest go. He had no power over me.

You R with your FIL may be different but this is how we give our power away by getting all wrapped up in what others think of us.

There was also a little anger with my H at these times that he didn't STAND UP and rescue me with his Dad. H was confused. He knew his Dad, he had accepted how he was long ago and was able to see him for what he was but still love him as his Dad. H couldn't understand why I just couldn't let it go.

I now get it, I wanted someone to take care of me and heal wounds that were visible only to me.

I needed to rescue myself.

Melissa, you are a strong and beautiful woman (no matter how tall you are, or how much you weigh, with or without botox). Don't give away your power.