Luke, I can relate to some of the struggles you're having with your D15 as I'm going through similar issues with D17. I think Sandi posted some great thoughts on this. I would like to add that DB'ing is for your W, not your kids. When your kids treat you coldly, you've got to do all the work yourself and keep reaching out to them. My D17 has run very hot and cold ever since W moved out, at first it really hurt my feelings because I already had a lot on my plate dealing with a WAS. But I eventually discovered that like Sandi said she's modeling her mom's behavior. The cold treatment starts whenever she's at her mom's, but her mom has said she's cold towards her when she's with me, so at least she doesn't discriminate, LOL! I think they're just at an age where this is very hard to accept and deal with, as they get older and mature a bit they'll soften their stance. My D19 is away at college so not home much, but she definitely doesn't ever do the cold treatment like D17 does.
So be patient, reach out to her, know that you're going to have to do all the work, and when she goes cold then respond by being that much more loving and caring towards her. When I say "reach out" what I mean is initiate conversations, text her, send her funny pics (I text the kids a lot of photos of our dogs doing silly stuff), take her to lunch/ dinner, discuss the next vacation with her and get her input, take her to the movies, hug her, kiss the top of her head or cheek, ask about her boyfriends. She may act like she hates it but inside she loves feeling cared about.
one interesting thing the Christmas trip debacle led to was a discussion with my D, about traveling. She prefers to stay at home, especially over Christmas, while I prefer to travel and escape the Swedish winter. She values having her brother at home then, togetherness, and escaping from the daily world a bit (which tends to stress her out).
We discussed where she could imagine going to again, and she said Japan (we went there a long time ago, all 4 of us, a year after my W left our bed), so maybe a trip there is a possibility. Taking a friend with her there would definitely be an extravagance, but is not outside the realm of possibility - we'll see.
Writing my D a letter is an interesting idea. I do tell her that I love her (my phone or text sign off is "love and kisses") and that doing so and helping her "is my rule", and we do have a nice time together when we can be without my W. My W is such a dominating presence sometimes, though, that this can distort things.
Having a good relationship with D is important to me. She is the only nearby person that gives me love sometimes, which is so wonderful when it happens. My leading her manifests itself mostly as doing stuff together, such as a day skiing in a few weeks. Going to the new Disney movie Frozen is another possibility.
Thanks for the further ideas and pointers on working on this. I'll see if I can cobble together a letter and get back to you.
L
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
That's all good to hear, Luke. I want to ask you to think about something, and you may not understand my point. When I read your posts, I get the impression you see traveling as a solution to many things that are lacking in your life. You don't know how to communicate with your family and you don't know how to show your love........and you give them expensive trips to do it for you. It's like this has become your LL. You use travel to escape the loneliness and sadness in your life. But these trips may not be the love language of your family. In other words, they may not see your love for then by traveling to some wonderful place in the world.
My parents were not able to give me nice vacations. In fact, we had very little material things when I was growing up. My parents had to show their love for me in other ways. What would you do if you could not travel with your family? How would you express love to your children?
If we learn anything while we are on this board, it should be that it's not so much about what our LL is......but it's learning the LL of our S or our children. If we don't learn how to relate our love to them, then they believe we don't love them.
Now I have told you this before and even told you to forget about "trips". They may be the answer for you, but not your daughter.
Signing off with " love & kisses" can been seen as nothing more than part of the signature closing. It's what you say in the body of the letter that really counts. For God's sake, can't you just sit down and tell her what she means to you........without bringing another trip into the discussion?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
There's a 5LL book for children and teenagers. You might want to pick up a copy for yourself so you can learn a few things along the way in relating with your children.
As for texting, I'd like to say that Sandi has a point about "hugs & kisses" as a generic ending. When my mother texts me and my sisters, she ends with a variety of ILY's such as "I love you madly", "To the moon and back" etc. When I see those types of ILYs, I get the warm fuzzies and know that I am truly loved by my mother. I sense it and feel it!
