melissag XII - must. detach.

[labug]

I'm not really waiting for the other shoe to drop - I feel like it has already dropped. H has made his intentions clear. So the only issue now is whether I file or wait for him to file.

He hasn't filed, the other shoe hasn't dropped. Doing it yourself takes away that uncertainty and gives you the control. In no way am I saying don't file, just think about it, make sure it is what you want.

It's so funny, if you guys knew me before this whole divorce crap took over, you would be stunned at what a mess I am now. I don't think I have ever in my life made a decision based on what someone else thought I should do. Until the past four months. Anyone who knows me well would have laughed to know that a lawyer told me to get a backbone yesterday.

I wouldn't be stunned, we've all been there.

Is facing the truth about my H and my M, and filing for D so I can make sure that this is done the right way, and I get what I deserve, courageous like I think it is? Or is it bitchy and controlling and vengeful like H would have me think? (And would he be right??)

Did your H say that? About what? You haven't filed yet. You have a very strong judge in your head, where does that come from?

The first time I met H's Dad, we all went to lunch together. Now mind you, I am not socially inept. I get along with most people and really don't have any enemies. Most people like me and I make friends easily. Well, we had a nice lunch, and after lunch, H and his Dad went to play golf. When H got home, he informed me that his Dad said (in a negative way) that I "have strong likes and dislikes." Huh? I don't even know what that means. I guess because I have a personality and opinions - H's Dad also does not like H's SIL, because she is smart and has opinions.

I don't see the negative in that statement.

Anyway. My H didn't say, "oh, screw him, who cares what he thinks?" (or better yet, keep what his Dad said to himself.) He said, "well, it's true, you know."

Again, I don't see the negative. It's good to have likes and dislikes as long as you don't expect everyone to have the same. You're a strong, intelligent, accomplished woman, it's OK if YOU think "Screw him, who cares what he thinks."

I mention that because it's just the way that H has judged the fact that I am strong and self confident and not afraid of conflict. He views that as me being a "pain in the ass" or "having strong likes and dislikes" or "always insisting on getting my way" or whatever it is. See, because H is a chameleon and a pleaser and he views his inability to make hard decisions (or even easy ones) as being "flexible," which is what he thinks all people should be.

Could a little bit of both be true? I ask because this sounds a lot like me in the early days of my situation. Been there, done that.

I don't think my C is pushing me into anything. I mentioned to her that I might try to slow things down with the D process, and she thought that it might be better for me to not do that. But I don't think I would let her opinions sway me.

Good.

The lawyer, yes. I think that she has a very good point about H's partnership interest. If I fail to file because I am trying to be some "nice person" or because I am too fearful of what might happen (H will get pissed, things will be hard financially, etc.), and then H files AND dumps his partnership interest, THAT I will regret. I can tell you that for sure.

I don't know anything about any of that, totally our of my frame of reference. I just know not to let other people make my decisions for me. I think it's in your best interests to not make fear-based decisions.

There is a fine line, IMO, between standing for your M, and being an idiot. I feel like I am now getting into idiot territory.

I'm not saying continue to stand for your marriage, if you're done, you're done. Just slow down and make the best possible decisions for you.

Who decides if it's idiot territory? Again, there's that judge.

You only have to answer to you.