melissag XII - must. detach.

[melissag]

Melissa, I honestly don't know when. But aside from our first year being kind of angry, he still went through the motions of being a father to our girls and if I needed something, he might have still been resentful, but he helped out. He was fair in our mediation negotiations and approached the entire thing from the vantage point of "How do both of us get as much as we need without screwing each other and the girls?"

I recognized that behavior as one of caring and love.

I would say that about a normal person, but what I have come to learn about my H, is that everything comes back to him. Either because it made someone else like him, which props up his self worth (since remember, he has none inside), or because he could tell himself he was a good person. I am not just H bashing here. It really is true. That's why he would get so angry with me. He would do these little things (like run out and get me salad dressing when noodles forgot to pack it in the to go bag) and then he would be angry because he didn't get what he wanted out of me. (Usually that was sex.) He wasn't doing them just to be nice. He was doing them to get me to do something for him. We used to have season tickets to the Nuggets, Broncos and Rockies. And from time to time we would have tickets we weren't going to use. I always wanted to give them to the Make-A-Wish Foundation or CHC or something. He wanted to give them to friends. Because if he gave them to friends, they would then like him and think he was a cool guy. Having some anonymous kid from MAW get the tickets didn't do anything for him.

So if he is fair during the mediation, or if he agrees to switch nights with the kids with me, or whatever, I don't even trust that it's out of love for anyone but himself.

I guess he has a long time to prove me wrong.

I truly gave him the benefit of the doubt (much more than I should have) for so long . . . and he just keeps proving he doesn't deserve it.

Put me squarely in the camp of actions speak louder than words.

He is having some sort of A while we are still married. 'Nuff said.

In fairness, I will acknowledge that on Friday night, when we all went to the Nuggets game, he did do a nice thing. I had changed my coat and left all my cash in the pocket of the other coat. So when I got there, I had no cash for parking. H was walking over, so he stopped at an ATM for cash, and then hopped in the car with us to park. Still. I don't believe anymore that he does it for anything other than his own benefit.

If you haven't figured this out by now, I am a firm believer in managing "how I feel" and taking control of how I do that. Not out of punishment or fear, but out of respect for myself.

That is where I want to be. That's why I think I am going to file for legal S. Because I think that filing for D is just me trying to make a power move. And doing nothing is just trying to hope that he sees how "nice" I am, and gives me the opportunity to get screwed.

S is right in the middle. It fulfills my need to protect the partnership asset, and to have some financials and parenting time set up, without having to feel the moral (?) discomfort of filing for D.

So what is it you want to accomplish? If it is to move on for YOUR Sake, so be it.

It's really just to make sure that H doesn't get away with giving away a valuable marital asset.

So be ready for your h to "feel freed" ...at first....

Oh, he seems to feel quite free already . . .

25, you said that your H dated, and so did you. How do you distinguish that from him (or you) having an OP? Is it because of the timing? He didn't do it until you were legally S?

I just don't believe you will be single long IF YOU do not wish to be. So don't let fear of being alone (which we all have!!) stop you from anything.

Who saw Frozen? When Kristoff is lying on the ground, his sled in flames 100 feet below, having almost been eaten by wolves and then nearly falling off a cliff, and he says, "this has ruined me for helping anyone ever again"? That's how I feel about dating right now. Ugh. I imagine (hope) that I will change my mind, but I've gotta say, my standards are WAY high. I will have so little room for tolerating BS, I can tell you that.

Plus, I sense you are a babe and a half, so there's that...

Ha. I only said I'm not ugly is all. Look, I am 5'3", hot much of a babe can I be? Maybe after I get a few Botox injections in my laugh lines.

Thanks for the confidence, though. I guess I talk a good talk. LOL.