melissag XII - must. detach.

[melissag]

3, thank you for the book recommendation. I ordered it on my Kindle! I read the first few chapters waiting in the pickup line at school (don't even get me started on the fact that I had to sit in the line long enough to read three chapters), and I like the way it has the different perspectives.

Yes, 3, our Hs do have some similarities, that's for sure. And we have some similarities - we are both super smart and awesome.

My guess is that your H will never willingly disclose his A to you or anyone else in "real life". He may tell a few friends that will enable this behavior. But my guess is that no one that was a part of your life together will find out. Because they will call him out on his poor decision. And that would bruise his ego. You have mentioned that your H is very concerned about his ego and his image. I am sure that he will want to keep his "family man" image going for as long as possible.

I don't know. H sure has been full of surprises lately. He may be self absorbed enough that he thinks that other people will think he is cool if he has a girlfriend like, 5 minutes after separating from his wife. His user ID on match.com is the same username he uses for everything, including his email address, so it's not like he's trying to hide it. I truly think that he has it in his head that he is entitled to do whatever he wants for his own happiness, and that there is nothing wrong with it whatsoever. I don't know about the M status of the OW (other than she is married), but I am guessing he wouldn't want it getting out for that reason. I am sure that is probably part of the reason it is so exciting.

I don't understand why your H is having an A if he is so obsessed with nobody finding out. Doesn't that give him a hint that maybe he is ashamed of what he is doing? I don't get these guys. Truly.

When it is no longer a secret and a R in the open, expectations and obligations are immediately attached. Your H (and mine) does not like expectations and obligations.

That's a good point. It's why I can never imagine being part of a secret relationship. It would make me feel so sh!tty, like I'm not good enough for anyone to know about it. Who would put up with that? (I mean, unless she is also married and thinks it's really fun and exciting too.)

This really explains his sudden change in direction between Thanksgiving and New Year. Your H is enamored right now and is acting like a complete alien. However, that does not mean that your H, the H that you married, will never return. All you know is that right now, you don't want to be with the current version H. And that is ok.

Yes. It was more Christmas and now. The last time we ML was on Christmas Day - the same day the texting bonanza began. I feel really gross about it now. Then I went to CA for a week, and they texted all week long, and when I came back was when he told me we should start making permanent arrangements. So the timing really does line up.

The thing is, 3, I wonder whether the H I thought I knew really ever existed. From what he has said to me, his behavior was him trying to be a certain person, and he just never was. So does that mean that he has never been the kind of person who thinks having an A while M, with a M woman, is inappropriate? I just don't know. I have no idea who he is. I guess I will see in time.

My hope is that one day he will wake up and see the destruction that he has caused and take ownership for it. My H is not there yet, although I can see that he is not as blind as he once was.

What was your H like before all of this started? I know that for a few years pre-BD he was horrible. What about before that? Was he a great guy? Did he change? I am just not sure whether my H can ever change "back" into something good. Maybe he's just not good at all. Is yours?

At this point I am not holding my breath that my H will ever see or care about the destruction he has caused. For two reasons: (1) the way he is behaving shows me that he is completely self centered and cares not one whit about anyone else; and (2) his father has done much worse, and seems to have zero remorse whatsoever. I used to tell myself that he wouldn't follow in his father's footsteps, but ummmm, so far he has. (My L almost scolded me for having married him to begin with. She said she sees it all the time. The Dad cheats/leaves/abuses, the kid says no way will I be like that, and lo and behold, ends up just like that. I just pray that I can somehow keep my little boy from carrying on the legacy.

[quoteAnd my guess is that your H has NEVER thought about the idea of you being with OM. Right now, he is fully consumed by his own life. He was unhappy and is focused on becoming happy. He probably thinks that you will be sad and stuck and will not move on. [/quote]

Yes, he probably does. And no, he probably hasn't. I don't think he thinks of anything other than what pleases him at the moment, honestly. It won't make me go out and find some guy to go out with, but yes, I might throw something in there like 25 said she did with her H.

He never considered the possibility that I would move on and would not be sitting around waiting for his family dinner once a week.

I remember reading your post about that convo and my mouth just gaping open in shock.

At least your H would bring the diaper bag. My H still does not bring one when he takes the kids, including S1. At least I no longer have to deal with the consequences. I have no idea how our Hs have been able to succeed in their careers.

That's the annoying part. My H would say "I don't want to be responsible" or "I'm not capable of planning things." And then he would do it at work. And I would say, well how do you do it at work? Ummmm. IDK?

M - You are handling this so well. I really believe that we are meant to find out certain information at specific times to help us with our decisions and to keep us moving forward on our journey.

I am not sure what is going on. I haven't even shed a tear about this OW thing. I was up most of the night thinking about OW and D and S and all that, because it's a big decision, and because I can't understand why this OW would be so stupid as to be M and then have a secret whatever you call it with a man who is M. Ew. So I was thinking about it all, but I just don't even feel that hurt. It was like I somehow just knew this was going to happen. Or maybe nothing surprises me anymore? or maybe I just don't even get hurt now because I know this has nothing to do with me.

Now, if he brings my kids around her, THEN you will see me roar.