Newbies introduce yourself /moderation notes

[JDM]

Hi I am new here and found this site my accident will looking for any information that I can find on the web for guys who's wife has cheated but will not totally end the affair. I found a thread by wont_stop and have since registered. My Boom came on 11-13-13 when my wife of 20 years told me over the phone, while visiting her sister in LA, that she had found someone else. I knew we were having problems and was telling her that I had realized that I has a big part of the problem from some things that I was learning from the bible study that I was attending, and I was apologizing to her for. She said no that she was also the problem and when she told me what she did I would not want to stay with her. Well my heart went into my stomach and I felt sick because I felt I knew what she was going to stay. I pulled my truck into a parking lot. She told me she had started a relationship with a co-worker but it had not went all the way yet but there were some physical acts exchanged. Well I lost it and started crying and the conversation went on and off for several hours. I forgiver her and tell her I don't care and I want to just save our family and work things out. I went home and was up all night I checked up on the OM online and scheduled a flight to LA for later that week. I confront OM on phone next day tell him to leave my W alone.

The time in LA was crazy a lot of crying, mostly me, she was cold and mostly unremorseful. Says that she is dead on the inside or her feelings are gone. I agree to leave LA after a few days to finish a business trip I had scheduled already.

We meet at the end of the week back at our home airport. I am an emotional wreck and I think now make all sorts of mistakes. I am very clingy and upset. I plead and beg. We have a huge fight at one point. Then a week or two later I notice that she is very distant. I send the boys out to get something to eat. I confront her she tells me I am still smothering her and she needs space and does not want to talk about it, but I persist. She admits she has now slept with OM because I pushed her to him because I am so emotional and she needed comfort! I forgive her again. At some point the boys come home and she says his name during the fight. She leaves during the fight. Our boys ask me about the name. I do not answer and say that mom needs to be home to talk about everything and answer questions also. She comes home and the whole truth comes out. This is sometime after Thanksgiving I think early December I had kept everything from them up to that point and did not want them to know. She now blames me for wanting them to know.

Fast forward a little I decide to snoop and set up some voice recorders in the house and hear a couple of conversations between her and OM where she is basically going to hang in for several months to finish some schooling and setup a few things and then leave. I call the marriage counselor because I do not know what to do at this point and think that I no longer want to continue because she had agreed to end the affair and has still been lying. Councilor advising me not to say anything until we are in our next session. I feel like this is a blind side and she would be pissed and I am pissed and can't wait to the for the next session. I call and say that I think it would be better for me to step out of the picture because she is having such a hard time making up her mind. That night I tell her that I heard the conversations she obviously looses it and leaves. She calls later and asks if I am going to fair in the D and I say yes. I had always planned to be. She was my first love and I still never really did not want nor do I want a D now, but on that night I did not no what else to say or do. I had been sleeping on the other side of the house. I wake up with her sitting on my bed. She starts to apologize and goes back and forth from apologizing to accusing me of everything. I have from the begging of all of this admitted my part and felt that affairs take two. My actions caused part of the problem. I was not meeting an emotional need or maybe several. Don't get me wrong she committed the act and going outside the M is never an option, and now I know how much it hurts I would never wish this on ANYONE!!!!!!! She tells me she does not want a divorce and wants to try to work things out. She does not want to throw 20 years away, but is confused and torn with her feelings. It is now the February and the status according to her is she is working out her feelings is not seeing OM and hardly talks to him.

I feel like I am in limbo all of the time. I feel like I am in competition with the OM. I have moved back in to our bedroom for the last two weeks. I just do not know how much more time I am suppose to give her for her to make up her mind. I feel hurt and disrespected by this situation. She has said that one of the past problems with our marriage is that she did not understand why she was not lovable and could not figure out what was wrong with her. I told her not being able to make a decision on this relationship has made me ask the same questions about myself. This is a summary and I have left out a lot of details and facts I am sure, but I am at a loss. I do not want to put my family through a D and I do love my W. She is the only woman that I have ever wanted in my life and every time I think about walking away and loosing our history and what we built I feel lost and sick. Any advise is much appreciated. I have read the list of DBing rules and the 180 concepts and I am getting the book. Thanks in advance this is by far the most painful thing I have ever felt in my life.
JDM