separated 8 weeks still on the journey

[paul19510]

My previous thread won't let me update it. I guess is stuck (like me...ha ha). Thanks all for your thoughtfulness and responses.

Although my current Sitch is 8 weeks old, this is nothing new for me and W. We've been separated before, been to 2 MC and have struggled for years. I got the DB materials late in 2012 and began to work on plans and myself. I can feel a change in me over the past 8 weeks. A friend of mine pointed out today that W's WAS behavior is in a sense controlling behavior (e.g. sit right where I left you and don't move or I'll never come back...) I was scared. one of my biggest fears is/was abandonment. its not anymore. I'm still working thru it, but I survived.

W's life has changed somewhat during this time, but for the most part she simply deleted me from her day to day routine and now lives with her parents while making very big efforts to avoid having to be here with me and the kids. I now only exist in a place and time that she determines for herself.

I want a W (or at least an intimate partner) who will hold my hand on a date, someone who will go to dinner or a movie with me and actually suggest that we do so once in a while. someone who doesn't mind ML and cuddling. I want to go flying (I am a pilot) and enjoy the tree colors changing in the fall. 17 autumns have passed and been asked for with no trip together. I want a W that will be happy to spend 1 or 2 weekends a year at a bed and breakfast. 8 Years have passed since we did that and the last one was a huge fight because I asked to ML on night 2. I want a W who would be glad to share dinner with me even if the kids decide that they'd like to have cereal and don't want to sit together. W would say, they don't want anything, I'm going to the barn. or, I'd be making something and offer her food...response, No thanks. only to return 10 minutes later and make her own food and sit without me. This is not new. You may say that I am rushing to judgment on this, but I believe I need to tell W that I feel differently about our M than I did before.

The time alone has shown me that nothing really changed from when W lived with me. She just lays her head down somewhere else. I still take care of the kids the pets and the house.

I still want the things I listed above from my intimate partner. maybe some things I'd be willing to compromise about but today NONE OF THEM HAPPEN EVER.

We currently have no relationship outside of the business side of our marriage. That's not a marriage to me. it is not a new thing or a surprise. this has been much the same for a very long time. I just kept telling myself, If I could be a better man, a better H, then she'd see. then she'd spend time together or come to kids games.

Whether I wait another 2 weeks or 2 years, W is not likely to tell me she likes holding hands, going away with me or spending time eating a meal together. maybe I'm missing something...I don't drink or do drugs, I work hard for my family. I felt left behind and hurt and I pulled back from W. I'd love to fix that going forward. She's not talking.

I will not eat scraps from the table. I want her to know that I understand that now. Perhaps its time to let her know I've looked into alternatives and I am ready to proceed.