Afraid I have waited too long

[AnotherStander]

AS, sorry to see that you received those D papers.

Thank you! There is more to the story that I will disclose on here some day, but for now I can't. But it's been over 5 months since she told me she would give me the papers "next week" and I finally asked her for them and she turned them over.

[nit84]

AS,

5 people in the office and 10 in the field. She would actually be my assistant as well as others but her desk is 10 feet from me. She knows everybody and considers them friends That is why I have not talked to any of them about this.

I think I could do ok with her here. Im not sure about how she would feel. The constant M topic that comes up around here I can handle but I don't know about her. We are all pretty much family and know spouses and such. Its nice if everything in your M is cool.

In a way it would be nice for W to really see me in action.

[nit84]

My W has a habit of doing that also, Saying she wants this to happen then not doing it. My MC says it is because I was always the doer in the M. I took her opinions into account and let her handle things but when she didn't I did them.

This made her feel like I was controlling.

I feel, just from things she has said(you have the money why don't you file or it is really difficult to do by myself), that she is waiting to see if I will breakdown and file. I won't but she does not know that.

She has to be the one to do it. I hope and I am not sure but I think she sees all that is involved and all that we have built up over the years and even though she wants out it is hard to just up and leave all this so she wants me to make that decision for her IMHO.

[nit84]

If I were to do something that I wanted to because I wanted to do it, without worrying what the W felt about it, that is ok, correct?

If I were to do this something and I know it will solicit a response most likely a negative one from the W should I still do it? After all it is what I want to do without worry of W feelings but is it hindering chances of R?

For instance, I want to start painting the house soon while it is still winter and I cant improve the exterior of the house right now.

I will "act if" that W will be receptive to the idea and my hope is she will.

Problem is she said back in Dec. we cant do any improvements until we see what L's say. I disagreed with this but did't start an argument because I was nowhere ready to do improvements. No movement toward L has happened as far as I know on her part.

Now that I am more prepared to start painting I would like to.

Recently W packed up some knick knaks and when the idea of putting a TV in that room came up she said it doesn't make any sense to do that now. We(she) are packing up to leave.

I don't know her plans because we don't discuss much so I couldn't even guess what they are.

By doing this work it is a 180 from before where I would just let it go and not do it(laziness).

I don't want to guess(mind read) but the W could be saying or thinking these things so that I don't do improvements thereby, justifying some of the reason she is a WAW.

When I brought up the subject last summer of starting to do these improvements I got "I have been asking for you to do this for years, now you are throwing it my face because we have to leave."

I told her back then "that isn't true, I know these things could have and should have been done sooner but you have to start somewhere and that is what I would like to do. This has nothing to do with our sitch it just needs done."

I don't blame her for thinking that I am only doing it for her but these things do need to be done.

How can I approach this in the least combative way?

[nit84]

Well I asked the W if she would be interested in that temp to possible permanent position at my company.

I acted "as if" she would be receptive to the thought. She wasn't jumping up and down but said thanks then I told a little more to her and she said "Im not sure that is such a good idea". I said "ok, just throwing it out there." and left for work.

Right before I approached the room my W was in I think she was on the phone and was hanging up. In a muffled voice I heard what I thought was "I love you" and she repeated it I assume because it was so low.

I thought nothing of and proceeded to tell the W about the job.

When I got to work. I texted her that I forgot to mention that no one here knows about our sitch so that wont be a problem.

She then texted me back. "I have to quit lying to myself and everybody about our sitch". I texted back. I don't know why you would say I am lying. I m not telling anybody cause nobody is asking."

She said "Its been 8 mths surely they have figured it out unless you are completely lying to everyone."

I said" we don't spend any time outside of work with these people so I have told them you are losing weight and they see I am but other than that not much back and forth." They may know something but aren't pressing me for information.

She replied "that Ludacris"

I said "the only reason I brought up the job is because it paid what you were making before but a shorter commute. No expectations."

To the Ludacris comment I replied "I am sorry you feel that way."

It is like she is hiding behind texting instead of confronting me with these thoughts.

Yesterday when I got home from work something was bothering her. She tried hard not to let me see her face. When I went to my room she left the house quickly I guess in case I turned around and could see her face.

Do I just let it all go?

I am a bit concerned about the "I love you" comment at 5:30a.m.

I know I cant control her and it is not a deal breaker but I am wondering if I should ask about a possible A to see if W admits to anything.

TBH the things I want to know are What is it OM is giving that I didn't? If you love him and he loves you why doesn't he ask you to move in with him? Is he M or have any kids? Does everybody but me know about this A? If there is a EA/PA I know of the person and so do some of our mutual friends. It is a trainer at the gym she belongs to.

I know W does not have to tell me and probably wont. She might become upset I think I could handle that and not get upset or defensive back maybe even validate some of her feelings, even though inside it will be crushing me.

I am just torn between W knowing I know and W thinking I don't or anybody doesn't and her sneaking around making it fantasy.

If it is out in the open would that make the OM back away so he doesn't have any problems on his end if there is a W or Children? Or possibly even my W backing away because now she has to face the embarrassment, If her family ever found out it would be a total shock for a couple of foolish but unmentionable reasons, or consequences of an A? I would not go out and shout it from the roof tops but just the fact that I could might be enough to make her ponder if it is worth it.

I know if the A continues than it would be impossible to R unless it ceased.

If other people know about this A. I also want them to know that I was not the one who chose to go outside the M and I still want to make this work.

[nit84]

If the W wants starts a R talk but I feel I am not ready or caught off guard what is the best course of action?

It felt like I was caught a bit this morning in the text exchange referenced in my previous post. I think I handled it ok but could maybe have done better.

Our pattern has been about every 7 to 8 weeks we have a M/D discussion initiated by my W. We are there now so I just have a feeling after this morning and the stress of not having much money will bring out her frustrations and they will be directed at me, of course.

[nit84]

Well I scheduled my first apt with a DB coach for tomorrow. I believe it will help me but until the appt I hope the W does not come home tonight and get fired up because the utility bill that she forgot to or just didn't pay last month came in the mail today so it will be double this month. I have already given my portion for last months bill so that plus half this months will be her responsibility.

In the summer and through the fall she was very good about paying the bills in a timely fashion. Since about Thanksgiving she has paid them but not as early as usual and forgetting last months utility bill is a first all together since we have been M. I imagine, not only did it have to do with the holidays and me moving back home but also she saw her financial crisis coming.

I didn't expect the W to jump for joy when I mentioned the job opening I guess to her it was like I was cornering her with it by even thinking about telling her.

I guess in a way it was me throwing it in her face that she doesn't have a job. In reality, all I was trying to do was allow her the opportunity to take it or just say no. No expectations came with the mention, she never would have known about this if I didn't tell her.

If I didn't tell her and she caught wind of it then it would have been my fault she doesn't have a job because if I had only told her about this opportunity she would have certainly taken it. It is just the way she would spin it. Damned if I do and Damned if I don't. I suppose that is how most of us in here feel though.

[nit84]

I had an awesome time with my DB coach!!

I feel more encouraged than ever that one way or another this will work out for me.

I think once I get some ideas on what to do that are specific to my sitch I will really be able to DB correctly and possibly be able to R with my W and begin to work on a new better and stronger M.

I hope I am not getting overly excited but it feels good that I am putting a plan into motion that has proven results not that every M will be saved.

[nit84]

I picked up a couple books yesterday. 5LL and One by Gottman.

I started with 5LL. I had about 4 A HA!! moments then I got emotional because If I only knew what these were earlier in my M things would have been so much better!

These really are simple things. Its not easy Im not saying that, but if you pay attention to how your spouse acts in certain siutations and you understand why you yourself get upset when your spouse acts or says something to you. It make it much easier to communicate your needs to your spouse and be able to provide for her needs.

It stinks because I was reading this book 10 feet from the door where my W was. I so wanted to knock on the door and say "you got to read this." I wouldn't actually do it but If we ever do R I think it would be a book to discuss together.

Any thoughts on that? I know I need to keep DR for myself and that it why I don't even have it in the home.

Is it the same with 5LL. I wont overtly leave it out but if W would happen to find it would that be bad thing?

[KGirl]

I'm not sure exactly where your W is in terms of interest in working on the relationship or not based on your recent posts... I'm not a vet by any means, but I'll share my experience. I pressured my H to read a Gottman book at the beginning of all this when he was pretty clear that he was unhappy and was done, didn't think anything would change, etc. He just used the book to further justify why we shouldn't be together - "All of the examples where he predicts divorce are just like us, the warning signs have already come, there's no hope" etc. So, if your W is in a place where she has not voiced intent to try and work on the relationship, my concern is that if she spots books or "happens to find them", that she may see it as some kind of tactic, or even if she does read them, she may focus on the negatives and use them to justify her stance. If you were to R or be actively moving in that direction, then I do see 5LL as very helpful! I found it helpful personally just to identify where I didn't meet my H's needs and have been trying to incorporate when appropriate.