Uh, no, I'm not busy today. The installation in Weld County got put off one more day because of the snow. So I'm sitting here doing dumb stuff because I blocked out this time for projects that are not happening today. I usually like these days.
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I just feel right now, like he is disrespecting me so much that I can't see a way to a friendship with him. I do hope that at some point, I can be where you are.
With all fairness to you, I didn't have other women in the picture to make this a non issue for me. So be fair to yourself. I can't say that this wouldn't have changed everything for me. I'm not *that* evolved.
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How did you get there? Was this after you were D for a while?
Melissa, I honestly don't know when. But aside from our first year being kind of angry, he still went through the motions of being a father to our girls and if I needed something, he might have still been resentful, but he helped out. He was fair in our mediation negotiations and approached the entire thing from the vantage point of "How do both of us get as much as we need without screwing each other and the girls?"
I recognized that behavior as one of caring and love. Maybe not love for ME, but love and respect for the 2 people who were created from something that we both believed was love. And I told him early on that no matter what paper stood between us, we were still a family. A family that didn't live together, but a family when it matters. Again, he did not set out to punish me or flaunt or live flamboyantly. He was depressed and holed up in his apartment and shutting out his friends and family - not just me. And there was no OW to muddy the waters further. So I just didn't have that mess to deal with.
And again, I speak to you as someone whose BD was in December 2002. It is February 2014. That's a lot of water under our bridges, and there was a whole lot of work done to heal in my house. You haven't been separated 6 months yet. I wasn't where I am now then either.
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Was there a period where you and your H were having limited contact, or not friends? Or were you friends throughout?
Pretty much the first year we limited our contact to topics about the girls and things that affected us as a whole. Unless he let me know he wanted to talk, I let him be. It helped.
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My H says he still loves me and cares about me, but honestly, the way I feel around him is like a piece of garbage. I think he's full of it.
Put me squarely in the camp of actions speak louder than words. In my case, my XH was yelling at me how much he resented me - yet when I lost my car keys at a golf course, he was the one willing to drive to the house to get me the spare and drive it out to me. And this was in the throes of more ugly times. That's how I knew we were gonna be okay. In fact, when he did it, I commented how surprised I was that he agreed to do it. He was busy with the girls, and I was a bonehead. His answer? "Because I can see myself doing the same dumb thing, and the only person I'd feel okay calling under the same circumstances is you."
It took time, Melissa. Good, old fashioned time.
The way I see it, you're answering your own questions. That's the only advice I like to give. If you are truly not okay with how he's living his life and impacting you and/or the kids, then I'll be the first to pat you on the back. If you haven't figured this out by now, I am a firm believer in managing "how I feel" and taking control of how I do that. Not out of punishment or fear, but out of respect for myself. At the end of the day, I have to look myself in the mirror. It's up to ME to change if I don't like looking at her or think she's a moron.
Doggone it, I'm hungry. I might have to make a break for a Philly cheese steak now... with some fries and a Tastycake.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
