melissag XII - must. detach.

[melissag]

OK, one more. (And thank you, 25 and Underdog, for the discussion and insight on this topic.)

I talked to the paralegal at my L's office about filing for separation rather than divorce. It would have the same effect in terms of H's partnership interest, and would get the issues (financial, parenting, etc.) ironed out, which I think I need to do for the purpose of setting boundaries and knowing more about my future (like what car can I buy since I have to give mine back in three weeks at the end of the lease - gal). In CO, it's almost the exact same process and timing and everything, but the end result is S instead of D. (You can convert it to D after a 90 day waiting period, or with consent of both the parties, I believe.)

BUT . . . I would not have filed for D. I am just legalizing the current S. And if H wants to file for D, he can go for it. I know I can't stop him, but I can't shake the feeling that I don't want to be the one who files for D.

Is it dumb to do that based on principle? I really think it might help me sleep better at night.

What am I not thinking about here?

[3boymom]

In some ways, I think of D as a piece of paper. The piece of paper that says we are M didn't stop my H from leaving. So why would a D piece of paper stop him from returning, if that is what was meant to be? (And if it's because he has too much pride, then do I really want to be with him anyway?)

M - Have you read the book "Surprised by Love" By Dr. Jay and Julie Kent-Ferraro? The book tells the story of their marriage, his affair and their divorce, and their reconciliation from both perspectives. It shows how much of a fog the H was in (his A was with an exotic dancer). They actually get D and wind up falling back in love and get remarried. It was helpful for me to hear the H's perspective and to hear how he justifies his actions. The W recognizes her role in the downfall of the marriage (too much focus on kids, SSM, not enough stroking of H's ego) yet also acknowledges that her H was to blame for how he reacted. W had stayed home to raise the kids and helped build her H's very successful career. She talks about her decision to sell their large home and to pull her kids from private school and to change her entire life style. Her H literally put her through the ringer and she handled it with the utmost grace and dignity (he accuses her of making up the fact that she has cancer to get him back, which she was diagnosed with at BD). She was also the one that eventually filed for D. If you have no read it, I would recommend it. It showed me that you can go through all of this horrible stuff and still have the possibility of R.

[3boymom]

Is it dumb to do that based on principle? I really think it might help me sleep better at night.

I would confirm with the L herself that it will protect you financially. Assuming that it does, I think that you have the compromise that you have been looking for. You protect yourself and your kids. And you can sleep better at night not having filed for D. It will allow your H to make decisions about his career and future and he can always proceed with the D. You may get some backlash from H, but we are only focusing on what M wants!

[melissag]

Yes, I asked the paralegal to run the S idea by my L and let me know her thoughts. She said she would do so this afternoon.

Now going to IC, maybe I will be able to gain some clarity there . . .

[Underdog]

Melissa,

Uh, no, I'm not busy today. The installation in Weld County got put off one more day because of the snow. So I'm sitting here doing dumb stuff because I blocked out this time for projects that are not happening today. I usually like these days.

I just feel right now, like he is disrespecting me so much that I can't see a way to a friendship with him. I do hope that at some point, I can be where you are.

With all fairness to you, I didn't have other women in the picture to make this a non issue for me. So be fair to yourself. I can't say that this wouldn't have changed everything for me. I'm not *that* evolved.

How did you get there? Was this after you were D for a while?

Melissa, I honestly don't know when. But aside from our first year being kind of angry, he still went through the motions of being a father to our girls and if I needed something, he might have still been resentful, but he helped out. He was fair in our mediation negotiations and approached the entire thing from the vantage point of "How do both of us get as much as we need without screwing each other and the girls?"

I recognized that behavior as one of caring and love. Maybe not love for ME, but love and respect for the 2 people who were created from something that we both believed was love. And I told him early on that no matter what paper stood between us, we were still a family. A family that didn't live together, but a family when it matters. Again, he did not set out to punish me or flaunt or live flamboyantly. He was depressed and holed up in his apartment and shutting out his friends and family - not just me. And there was no OW to muddy the waters further. So I just didn't have that mess to deal with.

And again, I speak to you as someone whose BD was in December 2002. It is February 2014. That's a lot of water under our bridges, and there was a whole lot of work done to heal in my house. You haven't been separated 6 months yet. I wasn't where I am now then either.

Was there a period where you and your H were having limited contact, or not friends? Or were you friends throughout?

Pretty much the first year we limited our contact to topics about the girls and things that affected us as a whole. Unless he let me know he wanted to talk, I let him be. It helped.

My H says he still loves me and cares about me, but honestly, the way I feel around him is like a piece of garbage. I think he's full of it.

Put me squarely in the camp of actions speak louder than words. In my case, my XH was yelling at me how much he resented me - yet when I lost my car keys at a golf course, he was the one willing to drive to the house to get me the spare and drive it out to me. And this was in the throes of more ugly times. That's how I knew we were gonna be okay. In fact, when he did it, I commented how surprised I was that he agreed to do it. He was busy with the girls, and I was a bonehead. His answer? "Because I can see myself doing the same dumb thing, and the only person I'd feel okay calling under the same circumstances is you."

It took time, Melissa. Good, old fashioned time.

The way I see it, you're answering your own questions. That's the only advice I like to give. If you are truly not okay with how he's living his life and impacting you and/or the kids, then I'll be the first to pat you on the back. If you haven't figured this out by now, I am a firm believer in managing "how I feel" and taking control of how I do that. Not out of punishment or fear, but out of respect for myself. At the end of the day, I have to look myself in the mirror. It's up to ME to change if I don't like looking at her or think she's a moron.

Doggone it, I'm hungry. I might have to make a break for a Philly cheese steak now... with some fries and a Tastycake.

Betsey

[Underdog]

Melissa,

Make sure you talk to a CPA or your tax person before you do anything. You cannot file married filing jointly if you file for S or D, so make sure you know where you stand financially before you do anything that has tax implications.

Betsey

[melissag]

Thanks you guys!! Much to ponder and respond to! On my way to IC, so will mull and discuss more later. Don't know what I would do without you all!!

Betsey, stop by the drive through Starbucks on your way home tonight (I don't want to post details so hope you can figure out which one) - I left you that coffee I said I'd buy you. (Really it should be a steak dinner but sadly Elway's has no drive through.)

[25yearsmlc]

fwiw the


reason I filed for a sep was b/c I feared that my h would mortgage our home to invest with his "heroes" up on the tundra. I would have probably filed for divorce when the assets became threatened, like you Melissa, are suggesting. But MY LAWYER said not to b/c she saw "hope" for us reconciling (I picked a good L).

Here, the Sep froze assets and accomplished what I really wanted, which was protection of marital assets.

So what is it you want to accomplish? If it is to move on for YOUR Sake, so be it.

I don't know if filing for a D would have made h feel better/worse or anything but the Sep filing "made" him date openly.

So be ready for your h to "feel freed" ...at first....

and feel freer yourself if it helps. I found that it did, and so did dating, to be honest. I ended up usually liking my h just fine after a date but I also met some good fun men.

I just don't believe you will be single long IF YOU do not wish to be. So don't let fear of being alone (which we all have!!) stop you from anything.

It's not that accurate.

Plus, I sense you are a babe and a half, so there's that...

[Underdog]

LOL! Okay, there's a Starbucks I go to when I'm heading to my hair appointment. Wait, that's 2, depending on my route of choice (up Colo Blvd, next to B&N) or on Leetsdale, which has the drive thru. But my office is right near the Dumb Friends League. And there are a couple I hit depending on my route! (Two are drive thru's and both are on Hampden Ave). Then there are 3 kinda near my house, only 1 of which is a drive thru.

BTW, I love Elways. But Shanahan's is closer to my house and my friends say it's just as good. I wouldn't turn down either. Or... Bella's on Leetsdale and Monaco. My former boss and I go there every couple of months. When he wants tiramisu, he likes Maggiano's. Since my D19 works at the one in the DTC, we usually go there to harass our favorite waiters. I'm hungry! Damn it!

I just read through some other stuff on filing, so my next piece of advice will be to make sure you check on your health insurance too. This is all coming back to me now. We didn't file for legal S because his company would have forced me off. Check first! Know what you have to work with...

Hope IC helps. I'm too cold and numb to do anything productive today...

[melissag]

Our health insurance isn't through H's employer, and if you file for S or D, there is an immediate injunction preventing any change in insurance without written consent. So we are ok there. I spoke with our insurance co a while back and we can just split off I to two policies and split the cost without reapplying. Phew. The rest of the insurance will be a nightmare bc it's all bundled up with all kinds of cross policy discounts.

This whole thing is going to cost a ridiculous amount of money. Smh.

I should look into the tax aspect of S, thx for mentioning it.

It is none of those Starbucks, haha. it's the drive through on Colo. Not far from B&N. Sorry, I imagined your office being farther west - didn't know how loudly I was arguing the day you could hear me from your office.