I reached out to an L today and made an appointment for a consultation. The L sent me an intake form and I was surprised at how much information I do not know off the top of my head and will need to research. I know the basics on everything, but need to locate additional information. My information is straight forward, but my H's is complicated because he is self employed. Although I am scared out of my mind, I know that having this information will be helpful in my journey. It will take away the fear of the unknown and will keep me from being completed blindsided if H goes and files without notice. Just keep breathing...
Hi 3, thanks for all your posts on my thread! I am running out now for IC (and will respond more later) but wanted to pop in and give my support on the L appointment. As I have been told, making an appointment to see an L, and find out what your future would look like in case of D doesn't mean you have to DO anything, but it will give you some valuable information.
And yes, meeting with an L and talking about getting D is kind of scary to do, but it will hopefully alleviate some of your fears around what could eventually happen.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
When I spoke with H this morning, he mentioned that he may try and swing by the house before I got home (it was my night with the boys) to see them for a bit. I told him that would be fine and that I should be home around normal time. H called again when I was on my way home and I could tell that he was in the car. He was calling to see if he still had time to swing by if I was going to be late. I told him that I would be home at normal time. I knew that he was hoping that I would ask him to come over, but I did not. I normally would have asked him over but I cant let him do that anymore. I am always respectful of his nights with the kids. I already agreed to allow H to have the kids on Thursday night for the next two weeks since he will be out of town on Friday. I know that H was sad because he has not seen the kids since Friday night, but I also feel like that was his decision to be gone pretty much the entire month of February. Although one trip is for work, the other two are fun weekends with the guys (superbowl and then drinking weekend at a lake house). I even went out of my way to ensure that our weekend trip away coincided with his trip so that he did not miss three weekends with the kids. And then he went and booked the third trip. He is an adult and I cant feel bad about the decisions he made.
I told H that he is free to call whenever he wants to speak to the boys. I reminded him that sometimes bedtime is crazy and I often lose my phone while trying to bath and get my three little crazies to bed, so if he calls before bed or just gives me a little heads up in advance I will make sure to have my phone with me.
I am hoping that I can find a good balance. Hoping that things will continue to get easier with time as we find our new normal.
Hi there 3, I just wanted to say that I have finally updated myself on your threads and kind of balled my eyes out. Just realised that your sitch and mine are almost identical and I'm crying as I type. Same age, 3 babies almost same ages, H's with drinking issues, A with co-workers that involve addictions and them not being there for us when we needed them the most. BD July 13. Oh crap and I thought I had come a long way, just felt like I have re-read my journal. Good on you for being able to post. I can do it from time to time but have real trouble putting myself out there so much. Please keep going and posting as I'm going to keep reading nice and closely. (())
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Good job all around....and yes "I am busy" is a great response to almost any conversation with your H. It makes him think about what you are doing and better yet....The more you are actually BUSY the better off you will be.
As for the unscheduled visits...(or manipulation to get you to invite him over), he needs to learn on his own that this is a reality of the situation. Once you have become separated, you don't get to see the kids every single day. It s@cks, but choices have consequences and this is one of them. What I found with the X, is that she would come over on Wednesday's to see the kids. She would talk with them for about 5 minutes and then they would disappear to do their thing. She would then take the next hour to talk with me.....which is not something I wanted. Why would I want to hear about what was going on with her day, her week, or what she wanted to complain about at the moment? Eventually I told her to start taking the kids elsewhere to hangout with them (we have a beautiful park in town...a great place to do things with the kids). Once I did this, her visits ended pretty quickly as her visits really weren't meant for the kids, but to keep an eye on me.
You are doing great....Keep your head up.
GM-Please post....Post a lot. You are basically a newbie and posting is like chicken soup for the soul.....actually better than that, like beef stew with a desert of chocolate cake for the soul.
Stay strong 3. He is very clever at quietly pushing until he gets his way. Someone previously mentioned this and I, too, believe he is stringing you along and cake eating.
You may have a more difficult time with boundaries since he is kind of sneakily getting past them when given the chance. I feel that he is still very invested in the M and family, but very confused. Stay strong, 3, and hold your ground in your very tactful and kind way. You'll feel better about yourself for it.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Thanks everyone! While I am grateful that I am no longer dealing with the very angry H that was around right before and after BD, this new kinder H is also trying. It is hard because it feels like things are back to normal. If you take away the fact that he does not live here and that ML is minimal (which I acknowledge are HUGE things), the rest of our interactions are better than they have been in years.
For two years, H lived in a world where only he existed. H only cared about his work and those people who supported his work. Nothing else mattered. I see my H making connections to the things that really mattered before his crisis. He reconnected with the kids. He has made an effort to meet up with friends that he had neglected for months. He started going to church again.
I know that he is actively trying to reconnect with me. I know for a fact (because he told me) that he is scared of losing me. However, I am also fully aware that he is trying to keep all options on the table for fear that he is going to make the wrong choose. I don't want to be his Plan B. So I will take everyone advice and continue to enforce my boundaries in a tactful and kind way.
While H is definitely cake eating, I believe that it was important to my journey to see that our connection really is still there. For a while, I thought that maybe all of the horrible things that my H said about me were true. He rewrote our history to the point that he convinced himself that he may never have loved me. I knew that he was so wrong. It has helped me to see that while I have my faults, this S and potential D are really about my H and his issues. I am sure that this points out my co-dependency problems (I just ordered the book that everyone suggests) but I honestly just needed to see that I had not been imaging the past 13 good years of our M.
I dont think that I will have any regrets or "what ifs." I have stood for this M with grace and dignity. I have done and will continue to do the hard work. I am a completely different person than the girl who sobbed in a ball on the floor the night H walked out.
And I know that I am a different person because of all of the people on this board. I am scared to think where I would be if I had not come here. So thank you all from the bottom of my heart!!
I am so impressed with you and how you seem to have really gotten it together over the past few months. And I love that you feel you won't have any regrets. That's kind of where I am trying to get too . . . my codependency is probably what is keeping me stuck, and I think that probably most of us here could stand to read the book. It sure couldn't hurt.
It seems like you are really in a great place right now. You are confident in your life and happiness without H, if it comes to that, yet you have the patience and compassion to allow your H to work out his own issues. I think that knowing you will be OK without him will really help you to stand for your M without getting steamrolled.
You are doing great - thanks for the inspiration today, I needed it!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
