In some ways, I think of D as a piece of paper. The piece of paper that says we are M didn't stop my H from leaving. So why would a D piece of paper stop him from returning, if that is what was meant to be? (And if it's because he has too much pride, then do I really want to be with him anyway?)
M - Have you read the book "Surprised by Love" By Dr. Jay and Julie Kent-Ferraro? The book tells the story of their marriage, his affair and their divorce, and their reconciliation from both perspectives. It shows how much of a fog the H was in (his A was with an exotic dancer). They actually get D and wind up falling back in love and get remarried. It was helpful for me to hear the H's perspective and to hear how he justifies his actions. The W recognizes her role in the downfall of the marriage (too much focus on kids, SSM, not enough stroking of H's ego) yet also acknowledges that her H was to blame for how he reacted. W had stayed home to raise the kids and helped build her H's very successful career. She talks about her decision to sell their large home and to pull her kids from private school and to change her entire life style. Her H literally put her through the ringer and she handled it with the utmost grace and dignity (he accuses her of making up the fact that she has cancer to get him back, which she was diagnosed with at BD). She was also the one that eventually filed for D. If you have no read it, I would recommend it. It showed me that you can go through all of this horrible stuff and still have the possibility of R.
