Wishing You Were Here and then Setting It On Fire

[job]

Portia,
I don't consider your posting a downer. I consider it growth. You are recognizing your potential, how people see you and yes, how they rely on you to be at their beck and call and jump when they snap their fingers. I'm very sorry that someone called and you weren't there lickety split. They tend to forget that we have lives too. I know all to well how you feel about such things. As for your friends/family going out to have fun, but only think of you when they want or need something...boy do I know how that feels.

As for Skippy, he got his ego kibble fix and has gone back into the rabbit hole for a bit. He'll be out and about again soon...because spring isn't that far off and he'll need another ego kibble before then. As for your mutual friend, maybe she's busy and just hasn't had time to drop you a note or a call. If she's living in an area where the weather has been crazy this year, she could be busy shoveling snow or the power is out...not making excuses, but people do tend to fall off the grid every now and then.

Spring is around the corner and I think that you will begin to foster new friendships/relationships as the weather becomes warmer. What type of interests do you have? Think of areas of projects and hobbies that you would like to do and that's where you'll find some classes or group meet ups that will help you w/meeting new people. Portia, I have no doubt that when you are ready, you will soar.

[nero]

hey hi-

you don't need to apologize and think it's a "downer" - reality. your words described me to a "t". funny huh?

To them, I am still the same Portia who is there to handle all of their problems and no matter how busy I am, I will drop everything and answer their calls - how do I do this? how do I fix this? Family is the worst for this.MY MOM & SISTERS STINK IN THIS RESPECT- I'M SOOOOOOOOO ON THAT PAGE WITH YOU MAN...

Perhaps if there was some reciprocity, I would not feel so used. But they don't find me when they all go out and have fun, but they sure don't lose my number when they want something.

(GETTING MY HEAD RIPPED OFF ON PHONE IN HOSPITAL (no less) this was me too - ...... so I did not get back to them as quick as they liked - how angry and snarky they were at me!

I think a big reason why I still miss Skippy is because we were there for each other. Favours did not matter, because we had a mutual relationship. And I miss that. Having someone on my side. Trusting someone to be on my side.

holy crow is all i can say- do you ever describe my life perfectly. if you tell me that you have four sisters and you're second inline - i'm gonna plotz.

ya try to go about your life making time for others, helping when and if you can- thinking it's important to have "family" and to preserve it- what a bunch of hooey that turns out to be..... it's all about 'WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR ME LATELY". is that all there is???? is that all there is to love? is that all there is to family? (i'm working hard to NOT be this negative at the end of the day about it- i'm not there- can ya tell????)

i miss having my own life with my own support guy in it. i miss someone ON MY SIDE TOO -MORE THAN i can say. i still have the "tie" of something with h - i still feel that if i crashed and burned he'd be "there" (somehow- somewhat - hope i'm not too nuts) . maybe it's just because for soooooo long i've felt it- i can't dig it out of my soul. i don't know really - i THINK if i ended up in a hospital he'd come- . if i broke down on the road tomorrow he sure wouldn't get here in time... if i never came home today- he sure wouldn't know or probably care- oh mannnnnn.........

it's an awful realization that my existence in my family's life is merely that of a "sh!t picker-upper and fixer and conduit to each other". i'm off the job- and at this moment really feelin the anger these guys spew out when I DON'T FULFILL their needs has turned me off sooooo totally. i'm rather "down" on family.

maybe me being a bit needy (philosophically) last couple years- has seriously inconveniencd them because i'm not ALL ABOUT THEM. as i used to be. idk why i'm like that- just was. now, just am not so much. i wonder how people can be "its all about me" so much that they actually wreck their r with someone that truly cares about them and their happiness?

i wonder howcome we end up here, scratching our heads and thinking how the heck can caring be "bad" and send the message that we're crappola and they're the imp;ortant one, important life? just happens i guess.

i don't want to be ratty- i still think i need to send out the message i'd like to receive in life- i'm sooooo sorry that caring & being "nice" means people have to interpret it as me being a doofis.

oh well- i always knew i could be a jerk sometimes. who isn't? - so i don't feel offended necessarily at being thought of in less than glowing terms. i never felt i had to be viewed as some big fancy something- i just would have liked to feel that whatever i do or am "matters" & is appreciated. i do not like the pressure tho, to be rotten and screamie and join them to interact successfully with them. it seems to be that exactly here- - either get "awful" and make my point by "drawing blood" (to quote my baby sister!!!??? what an awful attitude? no?) - or feel unheard here and cr@pped on. idk -

Otherwise- glad to be me todaya- glad to be aliveand healthy - glad to still have my christmas tree up and a rtoof over my head- etc.

xxoo sorry you feel like this too- idk what it is. don't go changing tho- i think we HAVE TO be us, how the heck could it work to be something we don't like? gotta go down slugging man- onward & upward.... (and to think my family used to be the most iomportant thing in my life- my r with h was also- how times change) (it's hard to change one's inner self & etc- we'll find our way- im pretty sure the universe will make it alllllll clear in the fullness of time ( ta da...

hey- just had a thought- maybe sisters and mothers have to get icky and we become disenchanted and detch a bit- maybe it's part of "life" in the sense that things always do change and we always do have to "let go" of people (the things of youth?) - when they die, when we all age and change a bit- maybe it's just necessary for the detachment process. ya think??? well, or something like that?

have a great day

xxo

i don't know why i'm "like this" - just trying to get along til the universe presents me with my "new life" - sort of thing.

[Portia]

Job and Nero,

Thank you for your support. I don't like to indulge in pity parties however small, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. I am still playing catch up with my life after the past year and at this moment, I don't handle pressure as well as I used to handle it.

I am sure I will get that back but being nagged because I did not jump to fast enough was irritating beyond belief. I have a large extended family and no less than three called that week to ask a favour. I have a unique skill set that they all want - and heaven forbid if I wasn't around they would actually have to pay someone to do what I do.

You both described so well how I feel. And I am not surprised to see that strong ladies such as yourselves have experienced similar things.

I don't have to tell you that it isn't that we mind helping - it's the cavelier treatment of the people who are asking. Worse if they are family because they are harder to boot out and avoid.

Job, I don't know if Skippy will contact me again. Probably, I guess. I am not really sure I care, touch and go, touch and go. Maybe put more accurately, if he does not get in touch, I won't be all that fussed. I have been living without him for a long time now and taking care of myself. Marking the time between contacts has become more an afterthought.

Thank you for the compliment. If I can't soar figuratively, I at least intend to soar literally - I am trying to decide where my next travels will take me. A place far, far away!

[nero]

hey hi-

i think it's a good thing to just get here and rant sometimes. waaaay better out than in. i have a HUGE THEORY that seems to be borne out by reality- that people wh o keep all their grudges, ideas, nuttinesses, EVERYTHING INSide- lose perspective in the end.

even just day to day feelings- things get out of control if they never see the light of day. i'm pretty sure my sister that died of alcoholism- an overriding t hing with her- her privacy.

same with h- if he could talk, maybe if he had talked about it all long long before now, and throughout his life, he would feel soooo - well, whatever he feels. be so wacked out. he's said things soooo dopey and childish- i can't help but think he's held this junk badk and in since he was a little kid. my sister too- it's too much to sort thru and hold in every single thing in life tht happens.

much much better to get it out- wipe it away- get input- hear yourself- gain that perspective.

i say- let 'er rip- say it all- even the wacky stuff-

it give s us insight and perspective. and sometimes- a laugh. some of the junk i say sometimes- i have to laugh , it's soooo jerky and exo5ic.

i'll take that laugh any where i can get it.

okay i'm outa here- xx

[BrightFuture]

Portia, sorry I was not posting to you for some time. I understand your feelings. These touch and goes are tough. However small, this is still a rollercoaster. I’m getting to the point where I think I’m torturing myself by accepting these crumbs and maybe it is better to just end it already. I just cannot bring myself to do this last step.

Where is your next travel destination? I cannot wait to hear.

[Portia]

Can't agree with you more, Nero. I will take a laugh any day of the week!

The ghouls in my head have come out to play. I am trying to learn my triggers and I believe that when life becomes very stressful, that is when they start to whirl. Has anyone else noticed this? Sadly, the more I try to work on my stress level, the more stressed I get. This time of the year - finacials, year-end stuff is not helping and needs to be done. And then there are the family members who believe they have me on joint retainer for advice and services.

I don't like when the ghouls come and stir things up. Most of the time, I am fairly accepting of the fact that there will be no closure to this R. I'll never understand it and likely the scar of it will never completely go away. And if that realization isn't comfortable, well, I can push it away and turn my attention to something else.

But these last few days, Skippy has been on my mind more than usual. I am itching to text him. I have not felt like this in a long, long time. Job said he would be in touch and the ghouls are whispering, when, when? I miss my best friend. I am still so bloody ANGRY at him. I want him to feel the loss of me and his part in it, but don't quite trust the universe to teach him that. I feel small for not being able to wish him happy. I don't. I am working on it, but I don't.

My head knows that even if he is in touch, likely it would be a touch and go and meaningless. That even trying to be friends after all this is pointless, especially if we remain long distance. That even if he is with the GF or has another, that he is now free to do so. But when the ghouls swirl....

I feel stupid for not having ditched him out of my life already. Worse, I wish there was some reassurance that things might work out after all. I hate the ghouls.

[Whiterose]

Oh Portia. I'm sorry. Sometimes demons grab hold of our emotions and they can be so hard to shake. I deal with them on an hour by hour basis. Sometimes I win, sometimes they do, keep the end goal in your heart.......that's a happy you. Hugs

[Portia]

Bright,

Thank you for stopping by! It looks like we were cross-posting.

These touch and goes are tough. However small, this is still a rollercoaster. I’m getting to the point where I think I’m torturing myself by accepting these crumbs and maybe it is better to just end it already. I just cannot bring myself to do this last step.

You took the words right out of my mouth. Why can't I pull the plug? He was awful to me. I now don't trust anything to do with him. It haunts me to think that this was not the first time he cheated on me especially during our long distance relationship. I am not afraid of the future, but still cannot take the last step. The fact that I even want anything to do with him after all that has happened makes me wonder about me.

Thanks WR. Hugs to you, too. I did not have to tackle the legal stuff and I admire you for doing it with such strength and grace.

I believe it was Bright's thread that there was a discussion regarding whether it is harder to deal with a death than to deal with this MLC/betrayal. I don't know about worse, but I think the betrayal is harder to understand - it is a person who we trusted making a deliberate succession of hurtful choices whereas death is not generally a choice.

Now, I question everything. Let the MLCer re-writes history to make themselves feel better about their choices, all I can wonder is how many times I was lied to before. The female "friends" that were more.

I guess only time will put him further in my rearview mirror. I can't see that after all this time and now a month without contact that he even wants to begin to try, not with me, anyway.

[BrightFuture]

Oh, Portia, don’t make more out of than it is. I have the same thoughts about H having the affairs under the disguise of female friends. I just found out that it was not the case. Yes, I snooped again, while I was in our vacation home. I think he was telling the truth that these women I suspected as OWs were just friends.

I know how frustrating it is to get the silence after some attempts for a contact. It is just part of the process. I was recently re-reading the AliSuddenly’s treads. Her sitch was unique, because she had some mutual friends who constantly reported on her SO. She, like you, went through some times of no contact. It doesn’t mean that Skippy is not going to contact you. Who knows what is going on with him right now.

I want him to feel the loss of me and his part in it, but don't quite trust the universe to teach him that. I feel small for not being able to wish him happy. I don't. I am working on it, but I don't.

This… I seem to be unable to wish H happy too, and I’m working on it. I trust in the universe though. What goes around comes around.

I feel stupid for not having ditched him out of my life already. Worse, I wish there was some reassurance that things might work out after all. I hate the ghouls.

And this… I guess we both need more time.

[Pudmuddle]

Heya Portia,

Catching up.

My thoughts about this: "I want him to feel the loss of me and his part in it, but don't quite trust the universe to teach him that. I feel small for not being able to wish him happy. I don't. I am working on it, but I don't."

I don't feel like I could wish him happy either. Here's the way I look at it: He is not in a happy place, is not a happy man, is not the person we saw and loved, or is he someone right now who knows what happy is. It's hard to wish someone happy when they have no desire to make anyone else around them happy. We wish the person they WERE or COULD BE to be happy, but not the miserable, selfish people they are now. Harsh, maybe, but that's the way I see it.

I see a lot of feelings in you Portia, that have yet to be released. Find a way to let those out, you will heal faster. It does take time to admit to ourselves what is going on, especially when fighting our heart versus our brain. You will get there my friend. You are one strong lady that I admire.