M - I see so many similarities between your H and mine, with the only real difference being that your H waited until after S to get an OW. Your H has probably chosen this OW because she is attached (married with child) and he can have fun without any expectations and obligations. You already know the story about my H's OW. Our Hs do not want a "normal" woman in their late 20s/early 30s that are ready to marry and start a family. They are living in the moment and in this lovely fantasy land. As 25 pointed out, these A do not last forever. People cannot live in a fantasy land forever.
My guess is that your H will never willingly disclose his A to you or anyone else in "real life". He may tell a few friends that will enable this behavior. But my guess is that no one that was a part of your life together will find out. Because they will call him out on his poor decision. And that would bruise his ego. You have mentioned that your H is very concerned about his ego and his image. I am sure that he will want to keep his "family man" image going for as long as possible. My H would DIE if anyone knew about his A. I think that is why he wound up with the current OW. Seriously, no one would believe that he would have an A with her because her life is a mess.
He probably wont tell anyone about the A either because one of the best parts of the A is the secrecy. I know that my H was getting a high off of sneaking around. When it is no longer a secret and a R in the open, expectations and obligations are immediately attached. Your H (and mine) does not like expectations and obligations.
This really explains his sudden change in direction between Thanksgiving and New Year. Your H is enamored right now and is acting like a complete alien. However, that does not mean that your H, the H that you married, will never return. All you know is that right now, you don't want to be with the current version H. And that is ok.
My guess is that your H is not fully thinking through his plan. I am sure that part of his motivation for proceeding with the D is because he thinks that it will make him less guilty about the OW. We all know that there will be consequences of your H's decision that he has not even thought about yet, beginning with having to tell your kids and see their responses. My hope is that one day he will wake up and see the destruction that he has caused and take ownership for it. My H is not there yet, although I can see that he is not as blind as he once was.
And my guess is that your H has NEVER thought about the idea of you being with OM. Right now, he is fully consumed by his own life. He was unhappy and is focused on becoming happy. He probably thinks that you will be sad and stuck and will not move on.
I vividly remember the moment when I realized that my H had not fully thought through our situation. He was telling me that if we got a D, he would tell his new GF/W that he was going to come to my house once a week for dinner with myself and the kids. H said that he would only marry someone that would be ok with that situation and that he hoped that I would be ok with that situation. I told him that (1) it would be hard to find a new W that would be ok with that situation; (2) I would not be ok with that situation and (3) what if my new H would not be ok with that situation. My H was stunned. He seriously could not comprehend the idea that I would remarry. Although he had thought about this "perfect best of both worlds scenario" he never thought about what may happen with me. He never considered the possibility that I would move on and would not be sitting around waiting for his family dinner once a week.
Originally Posted By: melissag
This is totally my H . . . he never thinks through things, and it's because he doesn't want to. He has told me many times that he prefers to just live his life not worrying about anything, and just take it as it comes. (Since he moved out, he has gone ahead and just written checks for things without telling me or keeping track - he doesn't even know the password to look at our account online.) Which is all fine and good for him. The problem comes in when there are other people counting on him.
Illustration: when D9 was a baby, he would just grab the diaper bag (or maybe not even do that) when taking her somewhere. He never checked to see if there were diapers or wipes or whatever in there. So we would be somewhere, and we would have no pacifier and D9 would scream. Or, as happened once, I removed her poopy diaper and then found there were no clean diapers in the bag. (Granted, this is not the end of the world, but isn't life a little easier without dealing with baby crises like these?) So I suggested we make a little list to make it easier, and he could just peek in the bag when he grabbed it and make sure we had what we needed. He said no. He doesn't want to check a list.
At least your H would bring the diaper bag. My H still does not bring one when he takes the kids, including S1. At least I no longer have to deal with the consequences. I have no idea how our Hs have been able to succeed in their careers.
M - You are handling this so well. I really believe that we are meant to find out certain information at specific times to help us with our decisions and to keep us moving forward on our journey.
