Loooool you guys are too funny! I love it. Thank you Kate and Lois .
Thank you NLW and KG for your support and love!
I am at my conference with my students now in euros. It's freezing. I don't have a lot of time to write this week but will check in as often as I can and get to other threads as much as I can this week.
Kids and h seem happy and good.
I have much less anxiety I must admit than I have had in previous years leaving the kids with him.
Before I left, h did not stay in the house with us. The night before I left we got went to our friends' house and he drove me home and ended up staying their late and crashed there. I would suppose it's a big step for him to stay at home when I am there.
We'll see. Actively keeping expectations and stinkin thinkin at bay. Keeping gratitude and compassionate at the forefront. Even if I have to bring them there kicking and screaming.
Will come back later.
Love to all
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I like what kg,heather and ruby say. I am back to classes too so not much time, but will check in Stay warm Friends!
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Ugh. Three more days left at the school conference. I love it. But the anxiety is creeping in... I miss my kids. And the weirdness of h being with them while I am out of the house is creeping in. Meaning: my family are at home together and all I want to do is be with them. But the only reason they are together is because I am not there. Me being there will send him away again.
Oh what's wrong with me? How can I feel so blue after all of the small positives that have happened over the months? Should they have added to the PMA I was nurturing?
There really is no place like home
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I came back home on Saturday night. H didn't leave. He stayed/slept the house. Sunday was my bday and he and th kids planned games ( tug of war, bobbing for apples and jump roping!) and a cake. Was really fun. Then my girfriends had invited me out at night for dinner. Before I left, h said he had invited the guys over and when I am done with dinner I should bring the girls back home for a few drinks with the guys.
H left today and he sounded like he was planning to stay here again when he comes back ( he stayed in the guest bedroom).
So, I have not said anything about this to him. I am trying to just observe and be steady emotionally ( I did do a mini happy dance and a prayer of thankfulness and gratitude in private). To be honest- I don't know what this is yet so I am continuing on my path as usual.
A few observations: he seemed comfortable at home. Still at arms length with me but we talk more in a friendly way.
I was on the phone with my parents and said I was coming to visit them in march. Afterwards he said 'oh so you are going to country x in March? I didn't know!'
I thought that was a bit strange- I didn't know how to answer so I just said 'you're welcome to come!'
It made me realise how far I have come. Planning my life without him in it. And it seemed normal.
I'm also aware of how 'complete' it felt to have h back home. My gosh are the kids different. I don't think h would have taken the decision to stay unless he was really ready- he wouldn't do that to the kids... I think. So I will wait and see if this becomes the new norm when he comes back ( so many new norms on this journey).
I'm pretty sure OW is almost out of the picture. I don't think it's time for that conversation yet.
The biggest thing I have realised is the change in me. I never knew if I had truly let to of the past and h and I feel like I have. Because now - today- I can see how good my life is and how much I enjoy my days now. That's not because of h- he may add to it one day - he may not- the core is always there though that no one can take away.
I can start seeing things in hindsight much clearer now. I can see H's struggles and journey in a more rationale way and mine as well. I can see how he was headed for disaster no matter what. I can see more clearly what I was going through as well. I know in the past I couldn't have done things differently because I didn't know any better. But now I do. And it gives me a confidence in myself I never knew I had. I even had a moment of empathy for the OW- I was disturbed a bit that I could feel something else for her besides contempt - I was a strange feeling.
What matters to me- I am sure of that now. My family. I don't know if my M will be rebuilt but I know I am coming through the darkness and it is freeing, scary and exciting. A place I have not experienced yet.
I am working on losing weight - I have wanted to for awhile ( the last few kilos from pregnancy still- yes it's been a long time) and now I feel I can focus on that in earnest. These past three years have been so focused on my emotional and mental growth. And I know there is still so much more to learn- I just feel now I can work on my physical health as well.
I'm gonna go now- I'm still feeling the effects of celebrating my bday- I think I must have thought I was turning 23 instead of 43 the way I carried on with the toasts and the drinking..! Oh well.
I sense h is still troubled and will be for awhile .. He is trying to find his place, himself. Time will tell.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
As for your h, continue to give him space and time. He's still feeling his way along and trying to figure things out for himself. I do think your changes have been great and he may very well feel more comfortable in the home right now. Letting go is very liberating and he may sense that you have dropped the rope a bit.
Keep the focus on you and your children. I think you are doing great!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job for your birthday wishes and words of support and encouragement. It means so very much to me. I'll keep going on my path. I agree that he is still feeling his way through. I need to keep my focus on me and the kids. No looking backwards.
Thank you again Job x
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Busting, happy belated Birthday. I finally have some time to post. I’ve been reading along and see some baby steps. I have hope for your sitch. It is taking your H a long time, but I think he is realizing that grass is not greener on the other side.
Keep on keeping on .
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
So I found out that ow was around in town while I was away. H went out with her and a big group of people one night. That's what I kmow. I don't know what I don't know.
H is distant again since he left but he accused me of treating him differently when he is here and when he is in Dubai. At first I thought it was me projecting my fears - of course he went to Dubai with ow. Then he made me feel like I was judging him. And not being fair - that maybe he had left ow and I should give benefit of the doubt. Then I heard this news and I thought he is cake eating again (still) .
So I am not sure. I think I continue to focus on me and the kids and wTch and observe. It's all very interesting.
Is he finding his way? Is he an evil manipulating man? Who knows
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
