melissag XII - must. detach.

[melissag]

That's not punishment, friend. That's creating and enforcing a boundary.

Yes. It's about time I created some boundaries, I think. I have been too afraid. And being afraid has not only hurt me because I haven't set the boundaries, but because then I disrespect myself for being afraid and not setting the boundaries.

If my XH and I are meant to be together, then nothing will stand in our way of doing just that. No D decree is going to prevent that.

That is something that plays into my decision about whether to file. If I file, it doesn't mean that we can never R. It just means that right now, our M is over. And I have no interest in Ring with the person he is right now.

In some ways, I think of D as a piece of paper. The piece of paper that says we are M didn't stop my H from leaving. So why would a D piece of paper stop him from returning, if that is what was meant to be? (And if it's because he has too much pride, then do I really want to be with him anyway?)

I know you think I'm crazy for being friends with Mr. Wonderful.

No. I don't. My H and I were best friends for several years before we started dating (though most of that time he was begging me to date him - ironic, huh?), and I am really sad about losing his friendship. I just feel right now, like he is disrespecting me so much that I can't see a way to a friendship with him. I do hope that at some point, I can be where you are. Happy with myself, and compassionate for him, and able to appreciate the things I could get from a friendship with him, without being disappointed by expecting too much.

That just seems a long way off right now. Was there a period where you and your H were having limited contact, or not friends? Or were you friends throughout?

I don't think my H is a bad person. But honestly, I don't think I know him. Hell, even he has acknowledged that he doesn't know him.

So I guess the jury is out. At some point, when I am happy on my own and not being jerked around emotionally by his every move, I will be able to look at him fresh and see who he is and what he is like.

But his actions show that he values me as a person and loves me as such.

How did you get there? Was this after you were D for a while?

My H says he still loves me and cares about me, but honestly, the way I feel around him is like a piece of garbage. I think he's full of it.

(Now ask me, deep down, do I love him like crazy? YES. But I am just not willing to put myself out there for him anymore, even as a friend, because all he does is tear me down.)