Ok folks, believe I have some good news to report. Night before last I confronted W about the OM stuff again. I told her that no matter what she says, they are friends or what ever we cannot truly be working on our M if she is texting him all the time. Of course she got mad and defensive saying it means nothing. Once again I said if it wasn't shady he wouldn't be hiding it from his W and you would not be guarding your phone like its made of gold.
After the talk she was upset so I gave he a long hug and told her I know it's still hard for you to believe I have changed this much, but the change is real.
Fast forward to last night. She met her friend for a couple drinks earlier in the afternoon and brought us home dinner. W starts getting phone calls from a blocked number every ten minutes. I told her that it's someone *67 their number so it won't show up. Then I get a call and a blank voicemail from a number I don't know. Right away I can see W is nervous and acting weird.
I ask her what's wrong and she says she has to tell me something and I need to promise not to get mad. I agree. She tells me that after our talk and talking with her friend she realized that she was only 95% committed to making us work. That she texted the OM and told him that she is 100% committed to her M and is not going to text him anymore.
This is very good news I believe and has lifted a huge weight from me. It does concern me that OM might start to stalk her or something. Kinda weird that she breaks it off and now a blocked number keeps calling her phone. I hope this was just a coincidence, but I feel it's not.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
It isn't weird at all....Your wife ended the texting and now the OM is trying to get around her ignoring him. I suggest focusing on the positive, be supportive of her, and be ready for some emotional backslides on her part.
Well that's awesome. If she is serious then it sounds like it is time to get a new phone with a new number! That will stop all " blocked " numbers, and give a fresh start. She can also let him know if it persists she'll get in touch with his wife. Of course this will be done in front of you...
Just a thought, not a sermon!
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
If she is serious then it sounds like it is time to get a new phone with a new number! That will stop all " blocked " numbers, and give a fresh start. She can also let him know if it persists she'll get in touch with his wife. Of course this will be done in front of you...
Excellent suggestion up there ^^^^
Also, as LFW mentioned...be prepared for some backsliding on her part.
In all of this...keep being the MAN you want to be! Keep the changes going that YOU feel need to change.
Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Its funny you guys mention the new phone number. My W actually asked me if she should do that. Hopefully it will not come to that. It made me feel good when W made that comment. I feel like a new man just knowing that the OM stuff is on the back burner now. I think W and I can really focus on us now and make this M what it should have been all along.
I hope to need this great advise less and less. I really appreciate everything you folks have helped me with up to this point. Its so easy to get blinded by my own thoughts and emotions when so much is going on.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
Well I couldent stay away for long! Found out W lied and is still talking to OM. Had a bad feeling in my stomach yesterday and called W out on it this morning. She confessed that my suspitions were correct. I told her that I am losing trust for her everyday and I will not go on like this. If she is serious about working on our M she knows what has to be done. I told her that I will not share my W with OM anymore and that it stops or I am done.
Guess I found the courage to do that faster than I tought possible. I cannot and will not continue to live a lie!! W said that she would end it for real this time. We are going to talk more face to face when I get home.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
Indigo Now that you have put that boundary in place – your best best is not to sway from it. You say that you are going to speak to her about it. Have you figured out what you are gonna say? Do you have any idea of how she will show you that she is serious. If it is change the number then from my own personal experience that is not going to work. My ex ended up purchasing a couple of different phones. I applaude you for standing up for yourself. A couple of pointers on how the conversation may or should go..
1) Keep your cool 2) No need to scream 3) Do not agree to anything per se – a simple “I will think about it” should sufffice. 4) Accept that chances are you are emotional and R convo’s when you are emotional usually do not bode well for the LBS. So make sure you are centered. 5) Whatever you do – DO NOT LEAVE the house this time. 6) Firm but respectful should be the approach. 7) Do yourself a favor and do not blame yourself for the entire failure here. Chance are she will want to put the blame on you. Own your chit NOT hers. 8) Realize that she owns her choices and the consequences for her choices. 9) Do not bring your D into the discussion. 10) Listen….listen very cleary to what she says. A lot of times the root of the issues is buried in what the WAS is saying. So listen.
Good luck, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I am surprisingly centered right now. I am calmly going to ask her how I can believe her this time. Changing number would not work, she knows his so that point is mute. She needs to be willing to openly share the phone records would be the only solution I can see. W claims she wants us to work more than anything. I have already told her that can't happen if she is still talking to him.
She mentioned that she is still getting calls from a block number that never responds when she answers and said she thinks it OM's W. She watches enough life time movies to know where crap like this can lead.
I really hope this goes smooth. I have the strength to tell her to leave if she does not stop this. I will not leave the house. If she wants to fine.
Wish me luck. I feel proud of myself for finally standing up to this situation.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
I am calmly going to ask her how I can believe her this time.
I would have some suggestions - the issue here if you think about it...is what is it that YOU need to see from her. Not what she is willing to do.
Quote:
W claims she wants us to work more than anything
What DO YOU need to feel this?
YOU need to have these answer for yourself or you will constantly battle with the trust issue.
Hey Mach....J3B...AJ...could use some input here.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
