melissag XII - must. detach.

[melissag]

I think your anxiety over the unknown is taking over. Please be aware of that and try not to make decisions based on that. Sometimes we want to control things and get on with it so we don't have to wait for that other shoe to drop. Slow down and be careful. I know you have a lot of fears, money being one but you have to do what's right for you, no regrets.

So don't let his actions or your L or your C push you into doing something you're not ready for. They have pieces of your best interests at heart, that don't have all of it. That's yours. From you posts it seems like you sometimes make decisions based on what you think others think you "should" do.

I'm not really waiting for the other shoe to drop - I feel like it has already dropped. H has made his intentions clear. So the only issue now is whether I file or wait for him to file.

It's so funny, if you guys knew me before this whole divorce crap took over, you would be stunned at what a mess I am now. I don't think I have ever in my life made a decision based on what someone else thought I should do. Until the past four months. Anyone who knows me well would have laughed to know that a lawyer told me to get a backbone yesterday.

This whole thing with H has really f-ed me up. I don't feel confident about my own choices anymore. I don't feel confident about my personality anymore, because H said it was so defective in so many ways. And I guess I am kind of buying it. And I have done so much work on myself, and I do feel more like myself than I have in a long long time, but I still have that awful nagging feeling sometimes that my H is right and I suck. And then I don't trust myself.

Is facing the truth about my H and my M, and filing for D so I can make sure that this is done the right way, and I get what I deserve, courageous like I think it is? Or is it bitchy and controlling and vengeful like H would have me think? (And would he be right??)

The first time I met H's Dad, we all went to lunch together. Now mind you, I am not socially inept. I get along with most people and really don't have any enemies. Most people like me and I make friends easily. Well, we had a nice lunch, and after lunch, H and his Dad went to play golf. When H got home, he informed me that his Dad said (in a negative way) that I "have strong likes and dislikes." Huh? I don't even know what that means. I guess because I have a personality and opinions - H's Dad also does not like H's SIL, because she is smart and has opinions.

Anyway. My H didn't say, "oh, screw him, who cares what he thinks?" (or better yet, keep what his Dad said to himself.) He said, "well, it's true, you know."

I mention that because it's just the way that H has judged the fact that I am strong and self confident and not afraid of conflict. He views that as me being a "pain in the ass" or "having strong likes and dislikes" or "always insisting on getting my way" or whatever it is. See, because H is a chameleon and a pleaser and he views his inability to make hard decisions (or even easy ones) as being "flexible," which is what he thinks all people should be.

And so, truthfully, what is keeping me from filing are two things:

(1) The inability to accept that this person is really my H, and my dreams for our M are really gone; and

(2) What my H will think of me if I file.

Then there is also (3) the financial fears, but those will come to pass or not regardless of who files.

I don't think my C is pushing me into anything. I mentioned to her that I might try to slow things down with the D process, and she thought that it might be better for me to not do that. But I don't think I would let her opinions sway me.

The lawyer, yes. I think that she has a very good point about H's partnership interest. If I fail to file because I am trying to be some "nice person" or because I am too fearful of what might happen (H will get pissed, things will be hard financially, etc.), and then H files AND dumps his partnership interest, THAT I will regret. I can tell you that for sure.

There is a fine line, IMO, between standing for your M, and being an idiot. I feel like I am now getting into idiot territory.