Instead of filing for separation, since my XH was not sure he wanted a D, we were advised to create a Memorandum of Understanding. We did all the work required to satisfy the state if we were to file for separation without doing so. It gave us both some legal tentacles (let's say if I decided to run up the credit card or he inherited $$ from his aunt) without officially going on the books. I simply had to address my fear of standing on a street corner with much less earning potential and 2 kids. Likewise, my XH grew up in a poor family and had a huge fear that I'd run up the credit cards and go buy a new Lexus. So we both took care of our major anxiety while we waited out his lengthy decision.
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My big fear, honestly, is financial, and the corresponding change in my lifestyle. Selling the house, getting a job, living on a lot lower income. That's the stuff that scares me. I hope that doesn't sound too materialistic . . . but it's going to be a lot of changes.
Melissa, I COMPLETELY understand. And your fear is valid. It came true in my case. I'm self employed and my XH makes good money. But seriously, I'm still happier. I'm not saying I didn't love going on great vacations every year - because I did. I'm not saying I don't miss not having to budget every damn penny I have, because I wish I had that kind of cash now. But I am seriously OK. My girls don't go without and it's enough for me that I'm loved by many and I don't have to go without. It's been a real gain for me to live with gratitude. I don't mean I wasn't grateful for my life before, because I was. But living humbly and doing without at times has made me feel truly blessed when things come together. I'd much rather live the way I do than to be married to someone who doesn't want to love me or be with me. No amount of income could make me feel more like a whore than to do that.
You're very educated, and I know full well that a J.D. from UVA is worth something. If you don't want to practice law, so what? Use the connections you have through their incredible alumni network to help you connect with people here. I know they work. I met my dentist 23 years ago from looking at the Georgetown dentistry alumni book. My sister has always used her USNA connections to find fabulous jobs. So be creative. Put yourself out there.
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OK. I am done pleasing my H. Not to say I will intentionally piss him off, but if he gets pissed bc I am taking care of myself, so be it.
That's not punishment, friend. That's creating and enforcing a boundary.
I don't preach spirituality here, because I believe it's a very personal issue and everyone is entitled to how they feel. But I'm a very spiritual person. I believe that God/the universe wants me to be happy. If my XH and I are meant to be together, then nothing will stand in our way of doing just that. No D decree is going to prevent that.
I know you think I'm crazy for being friends with Mr. Wonderful. But he was my friend first. I couldn't imagine losing him as a friend. He was infiltrated into my family as brother and son as well as cousin and friend. He's not a bad person. If he WAS a bad person, I couldn't be friends with him. But his big sin was falling out of love with me. I can forgive that. But his actions show that he values me as a person and loves me as such. He's still close to my family and I'm still close with his. It works for us, Melissa. It doesn't mean that he doesn't get griped with me or call me out; and it sure as heck doesn't mean that we don't argue or think each other is a d!ck or a biatch. We do. What it does mean is that I no longer expect him to fill a role that he clearly doesn't want, nor do I expect to step in and fill that role in his play. No D could ever change how I feel about him.
I was never happy about his decision to walk away and never look back. But we're all human and flawed and I truly believe that 99% of us do the best job we can. My 99% may be better than his, but I can't discount that. Some of us just step up to the plate and decide to clean up our own houses before others. It's never too late to do the work.
As far as finding another mate goes, you're also unnecessarily alarming yourself for nothing. It all happens in good time. When everyone is ready. When you get a chance, listen to Rascal Flatts' The Broken Road. I believe it with all my heart.
So, is hiding behind fear changing anything for you? What IF it comes true? How would you manage? Don't give it life, Melissa. Acknowledge it, and then make the plans you want to make for yourself. One of my favorite books - recommended by a former DBer and friend IRL - is called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffries. It's liberating!
Change is inevitable, Melissa. It's necessary for growth. The key to embracing it is to decide that you're going to make it work for you - however you can. You sure seem like a survivor, so I'm not worried that you won't discover resources you don't realize you have. And neither should you.
Hugs!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
