Jusr an aside... I have sent a few mistake texts myself. Totally innocent and I always figure it out. My H probably never knew because he deleted every text after he sends it. It never pays to be sneaky... ..
Enough about that. I was just taking to some coworkers about how often it happens.
Me 44 H 42 M 10 T 12 (at time of BD) Ss 20 16 S11 (special needs)
BD 9/13 H "unhappy for years" moves to seperate bedroom 10/13 EA/PA confirmed but denied S and I move out 3/15
H called tonight and I did not answer. I was in the middle of putting the boys to sleep. And honestly I did not want to talk to him. I am sure that he will contact me later asking what is going on but I can deal with that tomorrow. It is my day with the kids tomorrow so there is nothing immediate that needs to be discussed.
Kickboxing is awesome. I don't know what I would do without my TKD training - it helps so much with aggression. Even just putting my boxing gloves on makes me instantly feel 10 times tougher and more confident. Maybe I should just start wearing them around everywhere I go . . . .
I agree with the previous posters, that you need to put your boundaries with your H back in place. I am hoping that his recent behavior (really, starting with the night he called drunk wanting to come over) is a sign that he is still invested in you and the M, but it seems that if you allow him back in as your friend, he just starts to eat cake. I guess if I was you, I would just ignore the texts of a personal nature. And maybe let his calls go to VM. If it's something important about the kids he will leave a VM and you can address it later.
By the way, a few weeks ago I got a mistake text from H that said, "God, I wish." So you can imagine where my mind went with that one. Ugh.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
3b....Just a thought on bed time calls. I would let the kids answer those. Make sure they keep it brief and if they hand the phone to you...just say "I am busy, say good bye to daddy and hang up". The one twist with this phone call is that it could be their dad calling to just say good night to them. So honestly, you don't want to appear to be the villian by not letting him talk to the kids, but you keep the boundary up of not talking to him....a win/win for you and the kids.
I love the kick boxing thing.....great way to relieve steam.
I have read more of your posts...as M noted above, IMHO your husband is cake eating big time. It also appears that he reacts the most when you your pull away (your trip to vegas and subsequent ML session) and he works to pull you back in. Set those boundaries so that he learns (don't tell him....let your actions speak instead) what your expectations are. Most people hear actions better than the listen.
As for today....When he asks why you didn't answer the phone last night (it will happen) your reply needs to be "I was busy"......nothing more. Let's work on making you stronger and that starts today. Do not fall for his questions....be stronger and let your actions mirror your values.
3,I wouldn't mindread about any of it. I'm not much into baby steps, other than to note them "hmm, isn't that interesting" because anything else brings those expectations out.
Just keep walking your walk.
Did you ever get to an AlAnon meeting?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Kickboxing is awesome. I don't know what I would do without my TKD training - it helps so much with aggression. Even just putting my boxing gloves on makes me instantly feel 10 times tougher and more confident. Maybe I should just start wearing them around everywhere I go . . . .
I found a class that fits my schedule with the kids. After I kick this cold, I am going to take the free class and see how it goes.
Originally Posted By: Lostforwords
3b....Just a thought on bed time calls. I would let the kids answer those. Make sure they keep it brief and if they hand the phone to you...just say "I am busy, say good bye to daddy and hang up". The one twist with this phone call is that it could be their dad calling to just say good night to them. So honestly, you don't want to appear to be the villian by not letting him talk to the kids, but you keep the boundary up of not talking to him....a win/win for you and the kids.
You are right LFW. I did not even think about that last night because H is not one that calls to say goodnight to the boys (not sure that he has yet). However, I should have just answered and handed the phone to one of the boys. I really do not want to withhold the boys from their dad at all or vise versa.
Originally Posted By: Lostforwords
As for today....When he asks why you didn't answer the phone last night (it will happen) your reply needs to be "I was busy"......nothing more. Let's work on making you stronger and that starts today. Do not fall for his questions....be stronger and let your actions mirror your values.
My H wound up calling and texting again last night because he was concerned that something was wrong. I just responded that I had been busy and was fine.
H called this morning to discuss logistics with the kids. This is where I always have a problem because he transitions from logistics into other subject matters. I try not to be rude and don't engage him in conversation and usually just try to bring the conversation back to logistics. I try and use the friendly neighbor technique. It was so much easier for me to ignore him when he was a jerk before and after BD. I think that I have been deprived of his attention for so long that it is hard to not get dragged back in now. But I know that I need to be stronger. He needs to earn the honor of being my friend. He is getting something from our current R and I am not getting very much at all.
Originally Posted By: labug
Did you ever get to an AlAnon meeting?
I have not had a chance to get to an AlAnon meeting yet. I looked over the website and there are so many local meetings that I was just overwhelmed. I will look into it again because I think that it would be helpful to my situation.
I reached out to an L today and made an appointment for a consultation. The L sent me an intake form and I was surprised at how much information I do not know off the top of my head and will need to research. I know the basics on everything, but need to locate additional information. My information is straight forward, but my H's is complicated because he is self employed. Although I am scared out of my mind, I know that having this information will be helpful in my journey. It will take away the fear of the unknown and will keep me from being completed blindsided if H goes and files without notice. Just keep breathing...
