Chinks in the Armor & still Standing on that Hill

[Pudmuddle]

Hello all!

Haven't been around for a while, because it was all just so quiet and boring. Living with my mlc'er who never speaks about much, just likes to status quo. But as of yesterday, here is a new update:

I was in my room, as usual. H comes home from karate and comes wandering upstairs to ask me about the dogs and where are they. He starts talking about his karate class and how one girl really hurt his arm tonight. So I asked if he's okay and where did it hurt.

Then blammo, the question: Have you thought anymore about going to a mediator?

wth? So I gather myself and calmly say: Well, you know what? I forgave you the first time, I forgave you the second time, but I can't forget. I can't live with someone who won't work on themselves, won't work on our marriage and runs away every time things get tough. I no longer want to be your plan B. So I'm over this "marriage".

His only response, was a slight dog-faced look and then 'Ok so will you go down to the courthouse and sign papers with me?'

I said 'You do what you think you need to do. I'm over it."

so there you have it...and I'm not even crying. Shaking a little, but I feel ok at the moment. Might be in a little shock right now too.

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So that's where it is right now. I do feel really good about the things I said and the way I said them. Even as I wake up this morning it felt so right to do it this way.

I have a sneaking suspicion, since this was so out of the blue with no prefacing R talk that he is being prodded by someone to make these things happen. He has not been of his own mind lately and totally buys in to what others say and tell him to do. The sad life of someone with low self esteem and confidence.

This is no longer someone I want to be married to, not this guy. This is not the person I knew and loved for so many years. I can no longer tolerate his not wanting to attempt to work on anything, mostly himself. Not a pretty picture.

I feel good, have had the help of a few valuable friends here in DB land, that have helped me break down walls around my heart. I feel freer than I have in years. I'm back to me, liking me and who I've become. Strong, beautiful and not afraid of my own feelings anymore.

I hope all my friends here are doing well. I really need to catch up and post again more often. I wish you all well!