melissag XII - must. detach.

[melissag]

25, I have no idea what my H is doing with this woman, but it appears it has only been going on since Christmas, and she also appears to be married with at least one kid, so there are plenty of reasons he wouldn't have gone public with her. I guess she's a perfect person to have an A with (EA or PA, I have no idea, but obviously something), since it is not likely to be something that requires him to have any of those dreaded expectations or obligations.

As far as whether I can live with him having an A - would you even consider this an A? I mean, yes, technically we are still M. But he has already moved out and announced his intention to D me. I find it completely scummy (it occurs to me that we had Christmas Day together as a family and ML - ugh), but I am not sure it's the same as if he had been involved in this before BD.

Regardless, me leaning toward filing has little to do with the fact that I can't get over this behavior and more to do with the fact that he is telling me, by his words and his actions, that he is done, with a capital D.

Whoah, do NOT throw away the good personal work you have been doing. Whether there is one OW or five, you'd still have to dig deep and own whatever part you have. And frankly, you were honest faster than many and you know you Do have some work...don't let his idiotic "back up plan"(which is what OW is to him) choice take you off that track.

I won't. I know that I was far from perfect in our M. I have and still do own the responsibility for my part in the state of our M. What I am referring to is how things have been handled over the past four months. I will continue to work on me, for ME. I am just saying that it certainly appears that, while he initially said he was leaving because I did X, Y and Z, he is staying away because he is self absorbed and acting like a teenager. And THOSE things have nothing to do with me.

He tied his unhappiness to the solution of OW, which was the easiest thing to come up with.

Well, yes. I kind of figured it wouldn't be long (once I got over the initial naive belief that he would be doing what he said and working on himself and us) that he would find someone. Because he has always searched for external validation to prop up his self worth. I was really thinking at the beginning that he was finally going to work that out, but I guess not.

But then what happens when he and she flame out? And they will flame out (even if they actually married, it's something like an 80- 85% failure rate of 2nd marriages that began as extramarital A's), he'll be in a messy situation.

Who knows? Right now it seems unlikely that he would figure out that he needs to do the work on himself . . . I imagine he will just find someone else. For such a smart guy, he is really kind of an emotional dumb ass.

Just curious, Is there a way to file for a sep as opposed to a divorce? Not saying you should, but just asking if there are alternatives to full filing.

Hmm. I am not sure. I hadn't considered that. Thanks for mentioning it. I'm not sure how I feel about that, even if it would accomplish the immediate goal of stopping him from giving up his partnership interest. It seems like a weak stand and doesn't really change my life at all. It would only drag out actually getting D, and I am wondering whether it is better for me to just face it and do it rather than keep trying to slow things down and hope he changes his mind.

And do not underestimate his value in their lives. As puzzling and "unfair" as it may seem...they love that man and they NEED him in their lives.

Yes. I don't view filing for D as taking him away. In fact, he will wind up with more parenting time.

In fact, I don't view me filing as me pushing things forward at all. I view it as taking the reins on something that is inevitable. H has made it clear that he wants to move forward with "this thing." I don't think it matters at all to my kids whether I file or H files. It may come a bit sooner if I file, but I'm guessing not much.

Stop flailing. I mean, you have to be in control of your behavior at least in front of them, asap. Get it together and then keep it together.

Oh . . . by flailing I mean in my head. Certainly not in front of my kids. I mean, just the constant indecision and wondering what is going to happen, and letting H pull the puppet strings. The "should I say/do X or is it going to piss off my H? Will I push him farther away if I do Y?" etc. I don't think it is good for my self esteem.

NO ONE IS MAKING A FOOL OF YOU or a mockery of the m. No one. You must choose to hold your head high. HE does not think you are a fool and your kids don't, and we don't...so...that fear is not based on "valid data."

Hmm. Is that something I am making up in my head? I think the only way my H doesn't take me for a fool is if he is too self absorbed to even consider it. Personally, I find it humiliating that my H is doing things publicly that are contrary to being a married man. It's like being M means absolutely nothing to him.

I know, I am resentful. I don't want to be resentful. That's why I think I need to take a little more control over this and show a stronger side. Because I think what is most fueling my resentment is the fact that I have spent so much time and energy trying to save this M, trying to be kind and respectful and supportive of my H, and generally just being accommodating to whatever he wants, and all I get back from him are lies and insults. It feels like being a doormat. It's not my personality and it makes me feel weak.

I believe that your H should have been honest with you and said, "...I really don't see us together and intend to move on...." Then you would know. Of course the WAS's have their fantasies and we have ours.

He did say that at BD. Then he said all the other BS about being hopeful and blah blah blah, and THEN, months later, he said "I want to move on" again, along with "nothing has changed," as though he had never said any of the other stuff. I guess that was just P/A crap? Or maybe just stringing me along until he felt more comfortable being out on his own, and finding an OW to continue feeding his ego.

Paul, I am sorry that your W is being so wishy washy. For a while I thought that wishy washy was better than definitely wanting a D, but it sounds like you have been going through this for many years even BEFORE BD, so I can imagine that you have grown tired of it.

Still, maybe your W is using her time to be introspective and really figure things out. Or maybe, if she hasn't yet, she will.

Paul, you are doing great with your sitch, going on with your life without W and doing your best. I know that if your W doesn't figure things out at some point, you will. I don't think you will allow yourself to be unhappy forever. And you shouldn't.