I think it is foolish and dangerous to paint all MLCers with one broad brush as a bunch of no-good narcissists. Many do come out of the experience much stronger and integrated...like rH and Raine's husbands. Not to mention moi.
This is why I stress that the MLC journey is as individualistic as the person going through it as you all well know.
I acknowledge that my xh always had the behavior that he shows now and shared my experience and realization. There are others here, and more to follow, that will believe their WAS is simply in MLC and will ignore the behavior that has persisted for years. It's hard to face the truth.
Wonka, every person is precious and has inherent worth. I don't know who your comments were directed at, but if it was me, that was unfair and far from what I've written.
It is terribly sad when people suffer from whatever it is. However, those of us that are harmed by the behavior, whether a temporary phase or not, have the right to be safe. We're precious, too.
Like everyone else here, I'm contributing to the general discussion about MLC. Wanted to throw in my .02 cents at the excellent dialogue. These comments were not directed specifically to you.
It's so hard dealing with someone who does not think and feel like a healthy person. I find that I have to adjust my normal response and actions. I'm on hyper alert when I am in contact with him. I hate it.
I received escrow checks following my refinancing that were made payable to xh. Ugh! After the hours of attorney time it took just to get xh to sign a simple title document the thought of contacting him for his signature again was dreadful. But, with a settlement conference coming up I thought that maybe he wouldn't want another strike against him. I guess I was right or maybe not. It's impossible to know. Xh quickly and cordially responded to my email. He suggested that I leave the checks on the porch (I signed them over to me so he can't run off with them) and he would come by to sign them and leave the February support check as well.
I fully expected him to make a claim for the money or refuse to sign or just ignore my request all together. When he is nice it's hard not to allow myself to get sucked back in, believing he is different than he is. I have to keep everything on a business level, but what I really want to do is respond with warmth and kindness. I can't. He sees that as weakness and the whole cycle starts again. I have to remind myself that until he has intense therapy he won't change. Even then, with his type of disorder, the prognosis is poor. But, I believe he has moments when he is genuine, without motive. I just don't know when they are. So, my guard has to be up at all times. It's so hard to be this way with someone I loved for so long.
Xh inquired about seeing the boys when he stopped by. They don't want contact with him. I know it hurts him, but he doesn't understand the hurt he has caused them. The little bit of contact he wishes he had with them is for him, not them. He doesn't understand their feelings or want to care for them in a fatherly way. That became very apparent in counseling. So, like me, the boys are guarded. They want to love their father, but understand that they won't get real love in return. He's not capable. It hurts. We pray he will get he help he needs so that some type of relationship can be formed in the future. For now he is still stuck in a destructive cycle. He is nice to try and get a response that he wants, but turns mean when he doesn't get it. He then rants to the attorneys and me. We just went through this is December. He sent a nasty email to my attorney that was full of blame. Two days later he wishes me a happy new year full of peace and happiness. That was amazing coming from someone who is the cause of so much grief and turmoil.
I am so glad that I kept my guard up. The follow up sarcasm has started already. It's part of xh's antisocial personality disorder. I'm so glad I don't have to live with it anymore.
How are you and the boys doing? How is your father doing?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, we're all doing well. Thank you for asking. I've been busy working on my home, making it a reflection of who lives here, what we like and value. We're also busy planning for college and have a list of those we'd like to visit, in state and out. S17 will apply in the fall.
Life feels good and normal until I have to deal with xh or the legal proceeding. We have a settlement conference next week. It's the last one before trial. I wish xh would come to his senses, but he's moving forward, still believing that he's owed something. He doesn't see himself, his actions or the consequences.
Xh is still hiding information. This month he used the checking account he shares with OW. He blacked out her name and their address. So silly. I have title documents that show this information. They are no longer having an affair. We're divorced. Why prolong the fantasy? Also, he paid part of support by cash. I wonder why? Does OW not know what he's court ordered to pay? Does he not want the full amount to be traceable? Or does he have additional income paid in cash that he's not reporting? (I know the answer - he's a gambler). Dumb move considering we're going to court and I will ask my attorney to bring it up.
I try not to spend time and energy on the above, but it does take me off track momentarily.
I just need to post so I don't get further sucked in by xh's craziness. The Jekyll and Hyde cycle makes my head hurt. Today's email started out "I don't blame you for harboring resentment and animosity toward me..." Which I don't by the way. Then he goes into a full explanation of his expenses and how little he has to live. This scenario is very different from the rant several months ago. Suddenly he isn't sharing the mortgage with OW. Now she only helps out. I don't buy it. When I made reference to their shared bank account and dual income he quickly explained that they have a joint account for paying a few household expenses. Right. So the boys and I are now a household expense since our support check was drawn from that account. He also accused me of costing him $65k since he couldn't buy the original house he wanted and had to buy a more expensive one. Wait. I thought the entire down payment came from OW. And, wasn't this the house that he tried to hide from me? Wow! Yet he couldn't buy it because of me. I guess he doesn't consider attempted mortgage fraud as a reason the deal fell through. I'm sorry about the sarcasm. I don't typically speak this way, but, dang, I'm tired of the lies and blame.
GM - I know I have written this before, but my xh displays a very similar, but less extreme set of behaviours.
To this day I honestly do not know if he recognises his lies and inconsistencies, In my case I am fairly sure it is a borderline personality disorder. Does it matter? Well, it does mean that it isn't personal. My therapist identified my xh as having a BPD some years back, and it took me a while to accept the diagnosis. Sadly, like paranoia, the sufferer doesn't fully realise what they are doing. It isn't an excuse.
My xh gets caught in whopping stupid and pointless lies which he explains away to his own satisfaction (I assume) but no-one else is fooled for a moment. For example he has told me that he has a really good relationship with his youngest son. He either believes this, which is strange, as he doesn't have this relationship. Or he knows he doesn't and is lying about it, while knowing that I talk to my son on a regular basis. Either way it is nuts, and as you say, crazymaking.
I now assume that everything he says is untrue, with little bits of truth in there. And, as I understand it, untreated, these personality disorders get worse as time goes by. My xh truly believes that there is nothing wrong with him, and it is everyone else who has a problem. Which is a little strange, given the evidence.
Although the loss of my marriage was the hardest thing I have lived through, I am relieved not to be married to the man my xh has become. As you may know I am currently being sued by my xh on a very flimsy case. But it is time consuming, draining and expensive even to defend.
Bea, I am so sorry that your xh has proceeded with the lawsuit. I know first hand how draining and expensive it is, but try to maintain the peace and joy you have found.
My biggest fear is that even after we settle our property my xh will continuously drag me back into court over some perceived right.
I have layed out the facts for my xh, but he insists on calling me a delusional liar. It doesn't matter to him that I have a solid paper trail with his name, signature and handwriting all over it. I'm still a liar. How can he confidently walk into court next week and believe he has done nothing wrong? He plans to show that it is me who has harmed him. This is all part of his disorder. Bea, like you, I am sad that my marriage is over, but am relieved that I finally understand who my xh really is and that I don't have to live with his abuse and craziness anymore.
