The other issue I wanted to address is the issue of D and thank you all for your comments about her. I agree that this is not the place for her to be (within his sphere) at the moment. If I trust in God I know that he has guided us out of his house so that we are in some way protected from the craziness that is ensuing. The one thing that has troubled me with WAP has been the emergence of porn. He has done this privately (covertly) but i have caught him twice over the last 15 months. He has been very angry with me and told me that it is none of my business.- that it has nothing to do with me.I know that some people have mentioned this aspect in relation to the DEPRESSION that goes with MLC and also may be connected to the affair/OW. Do any of you have any further insight into the role of porn/depression/affairs/MLC? Thank you I x
My XH also started using porn on his computer in the months leading up to BD.
Totally out of character for him. And not even 'standard' porn.
I was horrified to find he'd been searching, amongst other things, for 'schoolgirl' stuff. We had a 16 yo daughter at the time - and he left all the sites on his search history tab even though our 2 kids used his computer every night to play and do their homework.
His mlc was triggered by family deaths (highlighting his mortality) and the fact that our daughter was starting to date boys. He was crazy jealous. He was relatively young when she was born and by the age of 41, was desperate to re-live his own adolescence and the early adult years he believed he'd missed out on as a young father.
It's all so ghastly. We are truly better off out of it, and so are our children.
Your posts mirror exactly the behaviour I have experienced from my XH. I'm frankly amazed at the similarity that these guys display. For example, like your H, mine never asked about my close-to-death father even when i took the hospital call in front of him and even though he had been my father's best friend and proxy son.
It gives me some comfort to keep hearing that mlc is so formulaic. Reminds me over and again that this is not about me, and there's nothing i can do to change him.
innishannon, It's best to go dark for now and allow him time to reflect on himself and his self medications. Yes, porn is also one of the ways to self medicate. Depression can bring about all sorts of self medication, unfortunately we never know which type of "drug of choice" they will use.
Again, my advice is to leave him alone. I know you have very strong feelings for him, but you've got to let him go physically, mentally and emotionally. He needs this time to find himself. As you are aware, there are no guarantees one way or the other that he will want to reconcile w/you at a later date, so it's best to live your life as if he may not return.
I am going to suggest that you take some time and do some research on the net about depression. Also Jed Diamond has written some wonderful books as well. I'll locate the thread that I created many years ago w/some helpful books on it and post the link here for you to review.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you everyone. I went to work today and spoke with my boss - he is a wonderful man and has agreed that I can work from home to fulfil all of my work responsibilities for the next week or so. We drafted a plan of action and he was happy with that. He could see that i needed some more space. I do believe that God was stepping in. So I am grateful. MLW - thanks for your feedback - I am so sorry to hear that you have gone through similar upset - similar aspects of the script. I know how hard it is. I too am amazed ay how many similarities there are between all of us in terms of what we experience etc. Job - thanks for the link and for the reminder. I DO NEED TO DETACH. You are right, I have strong feelings and I am a very feeling person to begin with. I know that there are no guarantees. It is hard to acknowledge that but I have ti accept it with grace and understanding of the bigger picture. I drove home from work today and sobbed. I asked God for assistance, for help in finding my own strength, my own calm and peace. To let WAP walk his own path without disruption and trusting in the process. I wish i was stronger but I have to remember it is less than 5 weeks since BD. I will read all of the suggestions re Depression, Job. I do think the more educated I am in this area the more calm I will find. The fact that WAP has himself admitted to being depressed is a good start. I will post more later - re thoughts etc. Thank you for your support everyone. Ix
Re the porn issue my WAP was , perhaps more heartbreakingly, not looking at open internet porn so much but one particular photo (intimate) of a woman who he said he was seeing before I ever met him. He apparently took the actual photo??? So the difficulty in all of this is not that the porn is of people who you will never meet, never know. Faceless, nameless etc. Even though that is hard I could find some understanding. But the fact that he knew this woman??? I found that SO hard. He didnt seem to understand that at the time. Mind you this was about 1 month before BD.
Job - have been reading as much as I can from the thread you posted to me re depression - this has been so helpful. thank you. I now realise that this is EXACTLY what has been happening re WAP. I have no doubts whatsoever. He admitted himself that he was depressed in BD. I thought it was just a line he was using but the more i read the more I think that was the one bit of clarity he was able to give to me.... However, from what little I know, since BD he seems to be a lot happier - self medicating with OW, rejuvenation etc... Surely depression doesn't go so quickly. Is this running still part of depression? He blamed me fro the depression he has/had so that in itself is surely telling? just trying to work through this slowly but surely Any advice would be welcome.....post BD are they still going through the depression - even though they are acting relieved etc? I x
The depression will be present for a very long time. They self medicate to make themselves feel better and yes, they appear to be relieved, but again, the depression is there throughout the crisis. It's the main ingredient of the crisis. Depression takes on all shapes and no two people suffering it will behave the same way. A man's depression is very different from a woman's.
I'm posting a link to an older thread of mine as to my thoughts on why they run. I hope that you'll find some answers there. The people who posted on this thread had some very thoughtful postings that may offer up some info that may help you. If you take a moment and look on the forum for Smurf's thread w/some of the resources, you'll find other wonderful and informational threads by others as well as some of mine.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job - will have a look at this now - I have been reading about male depression this morning and it is so insightful - educating ourselves this way offers so much comfort and sense to what seems nonsensical. I have ordered a few books via Amazon so I look forward to reading those too. informing myself about the nature of male depression explains so much of what we have gone through in the last 12-15 months - I can now understand his withdrawal, detachment, his irritation, his blaming/projection....even BD to a certain extent (trying to accept OW too but it is harder at the moment).Before I just couldn't understand what was happening - I suspect that once I felly accept and understand this root cause of MLC, combined with the specifics of my WAP and his past - I will find the freedom to detach.... Thank you so much for your support - it means so much at this time I x
Have been reading a lot about depression as suggested and it has been really informative....I have found a few quotes - interested to know more about peoples experience with this sort of thing.......
"The longing to leave one’s intimate partner brings out something that isn’t much discussed in descriptions of depression. It is the active face of the illness. We often focus on the passive symptoms, the inactivity, the isolation, sense of worthlessness, disruption of focused thought, lack of will to do anything. But paradoxically the inner loss and need can drive depressed people to frenzied action to fill the great emptiness in the center of their lives. They may long to replace that inadequate self with an imagined new one that makes up for every loss. "
And this one......
The reason I post that here is to perhaps point to how depression, as what is believed the underlying condition throughout MLC, may be a factor in the MLCer's drive to fill the void they feel within themselves. Even desperately so, at an aggressive pace. Can anyone say "OP" and "replay"?
Yes, I can say replay and OP...they long to find something that will excite them and make them feel alive. Many of mlcers will state that they feel smothered or will die if they continue to live under the same roof w/us. It's actually the depression talking.
.......notice how they "find" that passion to pursue what they think they want. What they don't seem to realize (the depression coaxing them) is that the passion is coming from within them. They think the passion is coming after the fact, as a result of this new change, new love, new apartment / job / car.
That chemical released in the brain is doing the same thing for them as the alcohol or other drug is doing. Allowing them to avoid the depression. The booze gives them passion and fills the void, or the OP does...
Depression seeks to avoid by reaching out for external stimuli.
The whole "I can't go back there" is them thinking that a metaphor is reality. "There" being their fear of the void of depression. But they relate it to being literally us, or the M, or our old house, or whatever... "There" changes as they loose their current passion for something / someone and the run to the next.
And the depression blocks their ability to see what was, before depression struck. It's a moment in time which is all the history they can focus on. And all their history begins to be re-woven around that specific moment. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Would be very interested in hearing peoples thoughts about these.........I know in my heart, soul and mind that this is my WAP. The more I think about the way he was detaching - the spacy looks he was giving me - the disconnect - the irritability - the lies and deceit - the OW playing into his hands (singing student, adoring etc) - he even said himself that he has felt a "worry" and "pressure" about all of this - that the relationship caused him "great concern"...that he was "depressed but I ma the reason for it..." etc
Another interesting bit is that I spoke to a good friend last night who knows OW...she said that she has, to the best of her knowledge , always been quite a decent person. She has been unhappily married for some years - 4 children but all pretty much grown up - my friend suspects that WAP has fed her (OW) BS about the actual status of my relationship with him..........certainly not divulged how he dropped the bomb. OW knew of myself and D - she knew that we all lived together - so she cant be given TOO much sympathy here.... My friend also agreed that there may be more than one OW in WAPs case - and that, in her own words, he is "heading for a fall - he will hit the wall - sooner rather than later....." I x
