One baby step at a time...

[2ndTimeHurt]

Tonight was a weird one. My ex wanted to see our son so I picked her up from the gym because it was getting late. It's a quick drive but a long walk so I didn't mind picking her up. She wanted snacks so she picked us up some stuff. I appreciated the gesture. As we're walking into my place she asked me how my dating site is going. I was kinda stunned because I didnt tell her I had one, I only mentioned the dating sites from the last time we broke up. Anyway, I got a sick feeling because the last time she mentioned something like that was because she didnt want to feel guilty being "happy". She wants me to have someone to ease her guilt. She actually told me she doesn't want to feel guilty that she is "happy". I hate these bad déjà vus.

She tells me about how he is just like her in that they're both care free and not jealous people. What made me scratch my head was she asked me what was the right thing to do regarding having family time. Her mom disapproves of her spending time with me. Thinks it will confuse my son. I want to tell her mom to mind her own business. But my ex is adamant she wants to have family time. That's a 180 for her from 2 weeks ago! Anyway, why is she asking me; if I think it's a good idea, she doesnt care about what her mom thinks and her new boy toy doesn't get jealous. What's the problem?!? She confuses the hell out of me sometimes. She says she's gonna ask for advice on this. Just weird man. For someone who does what they want when they want why can't she figure this out on her own?!?

At least she admitted she's living in a fantasy world. I even told her Ive waited to hear those words from her. Too bad she was meaning it in a different context. She wants her new toy, my son, me and my future partner to all get along like a happy extended family!! I just said no one knows the future. That comment upset her. She thinks that comment means we're getting back together. As I'm sure you guys know, what I mean is I want to be happy with whatever happens in the future. I just want to be happy and I know I will be with whatever happens. I've been down this road before.

So during this stupid conversation she initiated I just had to tell her something. Something that I knew would upset her. But it was so upsetting to me I just had to say it. She told me before that I'm the only person she knows that makes her feel so awful, annoyed, depressed etc. I told her straight, that comment hurt me so bad and that I wouldn't even want to be with someone who feels that way about me. She just had that sad look on her face. From that point on I was determined to be happy for the rest of the night.

We headed downstairs to play with our son. This is when she decided to have a shower. Wtf? Just weird. My compassion/pity hat went on here. How warped do you have to be to do this? It's like she's possessed or something. I just told myself I'm going to be happy and get my back stepped on because it hurt from work today. She comes back from her shower and I'm playing with our son. She comments on how awesome the shower head is and we make friendly chit chat. We played with our son for a bit and it felt good having the 3 of us doing that. She says that her feet need a massage. Here's where I do something stupid. The part of me that wants to piss the other guy off comes out. I call it being the wedge. So I decide to pull a wedge move. I start rubbing her feet. And she's enjoying it and I'm thinking to myself, how could her new dude approve of this behaviour? My ex must definitely not be thinking straight. Oh well, I'm in wedge mode. Btw, all the other nice things I do for her are not to be confused with this wedge tactic. I'm genuinely being nice to the mother of my child and truly enjoying any family time my son gets. I must've massaged her feet for like 20 minutes. I'll be honest, along with working on myself and trying to become happy, I' can't promise I won't pull out the wedge move again.

Anyway, we put our son down for bed and by this time it's really late because she was enjoying her foot rub so much. We had a really good family bonding experience. Usually I read him like 9 books but my ex wanted to read to him. He says "no, daddy read!". I didnt want her to feel left out so I tell him mommy and daddy will read together. So we read some books at the same time and it felt really good doing that.

So he's sleeping now and I want my back stepped on. She gets on my back and man did it feel good. It's probably bad for my back but it felt good. After that she decides to give me a 2 minute Pilates session. Strange indeed.

I think my mind is a jumbled mess. I've spent 2 years brainwashing myself into becoming a better person. Namely my anger and having true empathy for my ex. Those 2 things are making it hard for me to heal quicker. Is that even valid? Should I not want to heal as quickly as possible? After hearing what my ex was talking about tonight I just want to be angry to help with killing all the other million negative emotions I'm feeling. I want to know that her new r will blow up in her face. Why do I want to find peace in knowing that her new r won't last? That he's not mr perfect and she has way too much baggage for a normal guy to handle. I know I'm not supposed to care what she does but I care that she finds out on her own that he is in fact a douchebag. I want that déjà vu again. I want him to screw up this perfect persona because she will let him have it. I'm such an ass for wanting this but I think my anger/fear wants to come out.


Ok. Time to settle down. It was nice to get that all out there. Ill go back to living life like my mother Teresa poem....

Oh, here's a real question. Should I 180 and talk about om? I did this last time but this time I'm trying to just keep things non r stuff. The only difference is that when I talked about who she was dating in the past I was also dating. The only positive I can think of by me talking about om is that it will prevent talks like tonight from happening. Or maybe it will seem less like a secret to her and maybe the excitement will wear off. There are many negatives though.