melissag XII - must. detach.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks, Mimi and Betsey.

Mimi . . . it really is a fantasyland. Honestly, up until tonight, I still kept thinking "this was my fault. I f-ed up." I didn't really believe that I didn't cause this, or that my H is just purely selfish, or that he is having a MLC, or whatever. OK. I get it now. He's f-ed up. It's not my fault. No matter how green my grass is, he's looking for something greener. I cannot possibly fulfill his fantasy, because it doesn't exist IRL.

Whoah, do NOT throw away the good personal work you have been doing. Whether there is one OW or five, you'd still have to dig deep and own whatever part you have. And frankly, you were honest faster than many and you know you Do have some work...don't let his idiotic "back up plan"(which is what OW is to him) choice take you off that track.


OK. What am I scared about? Well, before, I was scared that I would be giving up the chance to save my M. I think I am over that now. That's like holding an umbrella in a typhoon.


No...there is MORE of a chance for a recon, imo, NOW. Why? B/C an OW is a lot less mysterious than a father who likes his kids, but who prefers the single life, for more than a month.

He tied his unhappiness to the solution of OW, which was the easiest thing to come up with.

So there is no reason for him to "grow" or "work on himself". Not yet...

But then what happens when he and she flame out? And they will flame out (even if they actually married, it's something like an 80- 85% failure rate of 2nd marriages that began as extramarital A's), he'll be in a messy situation.

I am not scared to take care of kids myself. I can do that. And if I am being honest, in a lot of ways it is easier, less stressful, and more fun being with them without H.

Amen.

I am a little scared of being alone for - possibly forever. Having to find someone new, if I ever want male companionship again. Being afraid of getting dumped again. All that stuff. But that's stuff for another day, and there is nothing I can do about that anyway.

How lonely you are, will be up to you, in time. I promise YOU will have choices. But like you said, that's for "another day".

My big fear, honestly, is financial, and the corresponding change in my lifestyle. Selling the house, getting a job, living on a lot lower income. That's the stuff that scares me. I hope that doesn't sound too materialistic . . . but it's going to be a lot of changes.

It does not sound too materialistic to me and indeed changes are coming to your life. Mind you, some were anyhow b/c nothing just ...sits around in life (okay some of the men we may have once known...).

Re the business of divorce, well kids come first. Then YOU and then...maybe him. I'm glad there are assets to divide. And It seems you will handle it alright by putting your L hat on when you two do "business".
Just curious, Is there a way to file for a sep as opposed to a divorce? Not saying you should, but just asking if there are alternatives to full filing.


I would like to find peace. I'm not sure how.


if you are willing to do the work of MAKING peace in your life, you will have it. It won't land on you, however. It's like happiness, and we have to create it in our lives. No one gives it to us, no matter what a WAS might think.

I don't know if I will be able to sleep soundly at night, convinced I did the right thing, no matter what I decide. Or maybe I will, but I just can't tell right now.

Back to what 25 said about making the right decisions for my children . . . I think that getting this done is the right thing to do for them. They are in limbo too. And it has to be hard.

Maybe...be wary of projecting your feelings onto them. And do not underestimate his value in their lives. As puzzling and "unfair" as it may seem...they love that man and they NEED him in their lives. And as for limbo, they may not realize they are in it...

And on top of that, I think that no matter how much I hide it, they are smart, and they will know that I am flailing if I continue to do so.

Stop flailing. I mean, you have to be in control of your behavior at least in front of them, asap. Get it together and then keep it together.
*BTW if you ever see "Bowfinger", which is a comedy, there is a scene in which Eddie Murphy's character works hard to "keep it together" and it's a hilarious moment.

But I have thought of it often, way back when I thought I'd fall apart in front of the kids or seem pitiful. I'd make myself laugh with the "Keep It Together' mantra....anyhow, maybe you can find your own soothing phrase that helps you NOT lose it and not flail.




And if I let H run the show and continue to make a fool of me and a mockery of our M,

NO ONE IS MAKING A FOOL OF YOU or a mockery of the m. No one. You must choose to hold your head high. HE does not think you are a fool and your kids don't, and we don't...so...that fear is not based on "valid data."

He said he wants the marriage to end, although he won't use the d word. But it's not a mockery. That is your anger and resentment talking.


while I just sit there trying not to rock the boat, I will become more and more resentful. And that won't be good for my kids.

Do you see how resentful you already are, and how you are rationalizing it? AND making him responsible for it?

Where will that end? Do you see how far that can go? How harmful to YOU?

And the kids of course.

Don't be a WAS wuss.

You are in charge of your words and behaviors in front of your kids. Don't be helpless or feign it or claim you were "forced" into a divorce b/c you won't or can't live with too much ambiguity. That's not you.

..I cannot say I would not have filed if I had discovered an OW. I know my h dated, (as did I.)

But here we are. And I don't wrack my brain over what we each did while apart.

However, Melissa, If an A is an absolute deal breaker and you are positive of it, so be it. I get that. TRULY I do get it.

It does simplify things, for sure. And in that sense, your limbo is already over.

Do you see that?
.

OK. I am done pleasing my H. Not to say I will intentionally piss him off, but if he gets pissed bc I am taking care of myself, so be it.

LCD. I like it. Perhaps I will call my H LCD temporarily until I can think of a more classy name. (Mr. Wonderful is a good one - I need one like that.)

BTW, Betsey - let me know if you go into the office tomorrow.