melissag XII - must. detach.

[25yearsmlc]

You and I are both grossed out right now. F*cking people man...

I really hope you figure out what to do. I hope you figure out a way to find peace. This sh*t storm you're in sure makes it difficult.

Thanks, 2TH.

This is going to sound weird, but I think that the timing of all this has worked out pretty well. In the sense that I really am able to handle this now, whereas I wouldn't have been a few months ago.

You know Melissa, on one hand I immediately wanted to send "HUGS" and commiserate. I certainly ache for you.

But I also had that "oh gee, that makes sense" feeling too. ALMOST relief...

for ME it makes your strategy much clearer. More on that later...


So I guess I should thank my H for getting douchier and douchier slowly, so it gave me some time to get used to it.

I truly thought, at the time that H moved out, that we were going in the right direction.

Wrong.

He is going in the completely opposite direction.

His direction is his, on HIS journey. The faster he gets wherever he is going, the sooner you will see whoever he is going to become.

And the clearer your course will be.

Perhaps (though I doubt it), someday he will come back in my direction. But that's not something I am going to even waste time hoping for right now. I have got to put my energy into my kids and rebuilding my own life.

TOTAL agreement^^. Also I would NOT tell him you know about the OW (at least not now) b/c then every step you take now will be seen as a tactic of revenge or competition.

There MAY come a time when it is convenient or strategic, perhaps for financial reasons, to tell him you know exactly who he is spending time doing and you pray her family and husband are not suffering like yours are...

(b/c he won't want to be seen as the cheating lying teenager he's acting like) But for now, I don't see any advantage and I frankly take it as a good sign that he has not filed OR told you about her.

That does explain how "really" Happy he is. That is b/c Fantasy spouses are always, consistently, perfect...

I think I know what I am going to do. I need to sleep on it, and get the answers to some details about money and custody and what happens between filing and final orders, but unless the answers are really far off from what I think they are, I am going to file.

understood

[25yearsmlc]

PS

meant to add that the reason I like that he has not told you about OW, is b/c it's NOT a sure thing. He can think and believe he is "really REALLY Happy" but he's not out in the open with her. Why is that?? He may think he is waiting a discreet amount of time...but...

IF and when he goes open with her, and that is a big IF, it won't automatically mean much, except he'll get some feedback and it won't all be good. Especially when he has kids at home...

MOST of what a WAS hears will be silence, or reluctant versions of "guess if it makes you 'happy'...

but a lot of "are you SURE you want to do this?" And "does SHE have a family TOO?"

hard to look impressive & manly then. Pretty much scoundrels and cads did in the old days, whatever name they go by now. Perhaps Like what your h used to think of his own father...(Did you h ever express how lousy a thing his dad did? And btw, if he did, he'll be sure to do certain gestures that make him feel "as opposed to" his dad. Be ready to hear who wildly different your h is, from his dad...

but remember that Most people find out a couple with a man in it, and they meet him to learn he is recently "separated/divorced" from his w and has little kids at home...most of those men, will get some bad stares. And a few disconcerting comments and questions.

Think about it. Don't some of US here, find ourselves speaking up a bit louder than we might have, before all this DB began? I don't sit there silently when someone asks me for MY opinion of their choice.

I am not on this earth to make someone comfortable with choices i don't even think will make THEM happy, let alone how hurt their family is, by their choices.

ouch...

And that is not bad news. IF and when they really hang out, his costs will go up...and if she has kids, he'll have to be a stepdad too...and that is NOT what a guy who acts like your h is acting, tends to want.

I mean, If you are going to be around kids, why not your own? It does tend to make them miss their own, more...

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks, Mimi and Betsey.

Mimi . . . it really is a fantasyland. Honestly, up until tonight, I still kept thinking "this was my fault. I f-ed up." I didn't really believe that I didn't cause this, or that my H is just purely selfish, or that he is having a MLC, or whatever. OK. I get it now. He's f-ed up. It's not my fault. No matter how green my grass is, he's looking for something greener. I cannot possibly fulfill his fantasy, because it doesn't exist IRL.

Whoah, do NOT throw away the good personal work you have been doing. Whether there is one OW or five, you'd still have to dig deep and own whatever part you have. And frankly, you were honest faster than many and you know you Do have some work...don't let his idiotic "back up plan"(which is what OW is to him) choice take you off that track.


OK. What am I scared about? Well, before, I was scared that I would be giving up the chance to save my M. I think I am over that now. That's like holding an umbrella in a typhoon.


No...there is MORE of a chance for a recon, imo, NOW. Why? B/C an OW is a lot less mysterious than a father who likes his kids, but who prefers the single life, for more than a month.

He tied his unhappiness to the solution of OW, which was the easiest thing to come up with.

So there is no reason for him to "grow" or "work on himself". Not yet...

But then what happens when he and she flame out? And they will flame out (even if they actually married, it's something like an 80- 85% failure rate of 2nd marriages that began as extramarital A's), he'll be in a messy situation.

I am not scared to take care of kids myself. I can do that. And if I am being honest, in a lot of ways it is easier, less stressful, and more fun being with them without H.

Amen.

I am a little scared of being alone for - possibly forever. Having to find someone new, if I ever want male companionship again. Being afraid of getting dumped again. All that stuff. But that's stuff for another day, and there is nothing I can do about that anyway.

How lonely you are, will be up to you, in time. I promise YOU will have choices. But like you said, that's for "another day".

My big fear, honestly, is financial, and the corresponding change in my lifestyle. Selling the house, getting a job, living on a lot lower income. That's the stuff that scares me. I hope that doesn't sound too materialistic . . . but it's going to be a lot of changes.

It does not sound too materialistic to me and indeed changes are coming to your life. Mind you, some were anyhow b/c nothing just ...sits around in life (okay some of the men we may have once known...).

Re the business of divorce, well kids come first. Then YOU and then...maybe him. I'm glad there are assets to divide. And It seems you will handle it alright by putting your L hat on when you two do "business".
Just curious, Is there a way to file for a sep as opposed to a divorce? Not saying you should, but just asking if there are alternatives to full filing.


I would like to find peace. I'm not sure how.


if you are willing to do the work of MAKING peace in your life, you will have it. It won't land on you, however. It's like happiness, and we have to create it in our lives. No one gives it to us, no matter what a WAS might think.

I don't know if I will be able to sleep soundly at night, convinced I did the right thing, no matter what I decide. Or maybe I will, but I just can't tell right now.

Back to what 25 said about making the right decisions for my children . . . I think that getting this done is the right thing to do for them. They are in limbo too. And it has to be hard.

Maybe...be wary of projecting your feelings onto them. And do not underestimate his value in their lives. As puzzling and "unfair" as it may seem...they love that man and they NEED him in their lives. And as for limbo, they may not realize they are in it...

And on top of that, I think that no matter how much I hide it, they are smart, and they will know that I am flailing if I continue to do so.

Stop flailing. I mean, you have to be in control of your behavior at least in front of them, asap. Get it together and then keep it together.
*BTW if you ever see "Bowfinger", which is a comedy, there is a scene in which Eddie Murphy's character works hard to "keep it together" and it's a hilarious moment.

But I have thought of it often, way back when I thought I'd fall apart in front of the kids or seem pitiful. I'd make myself laugh with the "Keep It Together' mantra....anyhow, maybe you can find your own soothing phrase that helps you NOT lose it and not flail.




And if I let H run the show and continue to make a fool of me and a mockery of our M,

NO ONE IS MAKING A FOOL OF YOU or a mockery of the m. No one. You must choose to hold your head high. HE does not think you are a fool and your kids don't, and we don't...so...that fear is not based on "valid data."

He said he wants the marriage to end, although he won't use the d word. But it's not a mockery. That is your anger and resentment talking.


while I just sit there trying not to rock the boat, I will become more and more resentful. And that won't be good for my kids.

Do you see how resentful you already are, and how you are rationalizing it? AND making him responsible for it?

Where will that end? Do you see how far that can go? How harmful to YOU?

And the kids of course.

Don't be a WAS wuss.

You are in charge of your words and behaviors in front of your kids. Don't be helpless or feign it or claim you were "forced" into a divorce b/c you won't or can't live with too much ambiguity. That's not you.

..I cannot say I would not have filed if I had discovered an OW. I know my h dated, (as did I.)

But here we are. And I don't wrack my brain over what we each did while apart.

However, Melissa, If an A is an absolute deal breaker and you are positive of it, so be it. I get that. TRULY I do get it.

It does simplify things, for sure. And in that sense, your limbo is already over.

Do you see that?
.

OK. I am done pleasing my H. Not to say I will intentionally piss him off, but if he gets pissed bc I am taking care of myself, so be it.

LCD. I like it. Perhaps I will call my H LCD temporarily until I can think of a more classy name. (Mr. Wonderful is a good one - I need one like that.)

BTW, Betsey - let me know if you go into the office tomorrow.

[paul19510]

M, regardless of your stance on H texting with this OW from a moral standpoint, its good you know, because it shows you in no uncertain terms he's done. it helps you to make further decisions. I wish my W would tell me she wants to work or wants to be out. but all I get is the damned IDK's. Very tired of that. I am pretty sure she knew when she left she was probably never coming home. She's just too scared to say so and I want to have hope for my M even though its been very broken for a long time...so there you go.... Your H may be the same and you did what I just described.

At some point I may choose to give up standing and move beyond my M if W will not choose me again and that should be OK. So many people have been warm, friendly and inviting since W left. I feel human again and I see that I'm not just worthless garbage the W threw away. its very tempting.....

I believe that your H should have been honest with you and said, "...I really don't see us together and intend to move on...." Then you would know. Of course the WAS's have their fantasies and we have ours.

I too saw my S much differently than it has been going. She'd stay in touch, we'd talk, we'd work, we'd go back to our separate places and rest from each other. we'd figure it out. NOT EVEN CLOSE. I used caps b/c it really makes me mad.

Our WAS's lack the courage or conviction or just common sense it seems to decide on much of anything. Then again, if he had told you, would you have believed it? Remember believe none of what you see and only half of what they say....(did it just get that backwards??).

You are doing great If and when you are ready, you'll make a wonderful partner to someone who will love and appreciate the person you are. that timing is for you to choose. you didn't deserve this and neither did I. yet, here we are .

((((Melissa))))

[melissag]

25, I have no idea what my H is doing with this woman, but it appears it has only been going on since Christmas, and she also appears to be married with at least one kid, so there are plenty of reasons he wouldn't have gone public with her. I guess she's a perfect person to have an A with (EA or PA, I have no idea, but obviously something), since it is not likely to be something that requires him to have any of those dreaded expectations or obligations.

As far as whether I can live with him having an A - would you even consider this an A? I mean, yes, technically we are still M. But he has already moved out and announced his intention to D me. I find it completely scummy (it occurs to me that we had Christmas Day together as a family and ML - ugh), but I am not sure it's the same as if he had been involved in this before BD.

Regardless, me leaning toward filing has little to do with the fact that I can't get over this behavior and more to do with the fact that he is telling me, by his words and his actions, that he is done, with a capital D.

Whoah, do NOT throw away the good personal work you have been doing. Whether there is one OW or five, you'd still have to dig deep and own whatever part you have. And frankly, you were honest faster than many and you know you Do have some work...don't let his idiotic "back up plan"(which is what OW is to him) choice take you off that track.

I won't. I know that I was far from perfect in our M. I have and still do own the responsibility for my part in the state of our M. What I am referring to is how things have been handled over the past four months. I will continue to work on me, for ME. I am just saying that it certainly appears that, while he initially said he was leaving because I did X, Y and Z, he is staying away because he is self absorbed and acting like a teenager. And THOSE things have nothing to do with me.

He tied his unhappiness to the solution of OW, which was the easiest thing to come up with.

Well, yes. I kind of figured it wouldn't be long (once I got over the initial naive belief that he would be doing what he said and working on himself and us) that he would find someone. Because he has always searched for external validation to prop up his self worth. I was really thinking at the beginning that he was finally going to work that out, but I guess not.

But then what happens when he and she flame out? And they will flame out (even if they actually married, it's something like an 80- 85% failure rate of 2nd marriages that began as extramarital A's), he'll be in a messy situation.

Who knows? Right now it seems unlikely that he would figure out that he needs to do the work on himself . . . I imagine he will just find someone else. For such a smart guy, he is really kind of an emotional dumb ass.

Just curious, Is there a way to file for a sep as opposed to a divorce? Not saying you should, but just asking if there are alternatives to full filing.

Hmm. I am not sure. I hadn't considered that. Thanks for mentioning it. I'm not sure how I feel about that, even if it would accomplish the immediate goal of stopping him from giving up his partnership interest. It seems like a weak stand and doesn't really change my life at all. It would only drag out actually getting D, and I am wondering whether it is better for me to just face it and do it rather than keep trying to slow things down and hope he changes his mind.

And do not underestimate his value in their lives. As puzzling and "unfair" as it may seem...they love that man and they NEED him in their lives.

Yes. I don't view filing for D as taking him away. In fact, he will wind up with more parenting time.

In fact, I don't view me filing as me pushing things forward at all. I view it as taking the reins on something that is inevitable. H has made it clear that he wants to move forward with "this thing." I don't think it matters at all to my kids whether I file or H files. It may come a bit sooner if I file, but I'm guessing not much.

Stop flailing. I mean, you have to be in control of your behavior at least in front of them, asap. Get it together and then keep it together.

Oh . . . by flailing I mean in my head. Certainly not in front of my kids. I mean, just the constant indecision and wondering what is going to happen, and letting H pull the puppet strings. The "should I say/do X or is it going to piss off my H? Will I push him farther away if I do Y?" etc. I don't think it is good for my self esteem.

NO ONE IS MAKING A FOOL OF YOU or a mockery of the m. No one. You must choose to hold your head high. HE does not think you are a fool and your kids don't, and we don't...so...that fear is not based on "valid data."

Hmm. Is that something I am making up in my head? I think the only way my H doesn't take me for a fool is if he is too self absorbed to even consider it. Personally, I find it humiliating that my H is doing things publicly that are contrary to being a married man. It's like being M means absolutely nothing to him.

I know, I am resentful. I don't want to be resentful. That's why I think I need to take a little more control over this and show a stronger side. Because I think what is most fueling my resentment is the fact that I have spent so much time and energy trying to save this M, trying to be kind and respectful and supportive of my H, and generally just being accommodating to whatever he wants, and all I get back from him are lies and insults. It feels like being a doormat. It's not my personality and it makes me feel weak.

I believe that your H should have been honest with you and said, "...I really don't see us together and intend to move on...." Then you would know. Of course the WAS's have their fantasies and we have ours.

He did say that at BD. Then he said all the other BS about being hopeful and blah blah blah, and THEN, months later, he said "I want to move on" again, along with "nothing has changed," as though he had never said any of the other stuff. I guess that was just P/A crap? Or maybe just stringing me along until he felt more comfortable being out on his own, and finding an OW to continue feeding his ego.

Paul, I am sorry that your W is being so wishy washy. For a while I thought that wishy washy was better than definitely wanting a D, but it sounds like you have been going through this for many years even BEFORE BD, so I can imagine that you have grown tired of it.

Still, maybe your W is using her time to be introspective and really figure things out. Or maybe, if she hasn't yet, she will.

Paul, you are doing great with your sitch, going on with your life without W and doing your best. I know that if your W doesn't figure things out at some point, you will. I don't think you will allow yourself to be unhappy forever. And you shouldn't.

[labug]

25 has some very good things to think about.

I'll be brief. If this, what shall we call it...dalliance of your H's is a deal breaker, so be it. I have an idea I would have filed in that case but I wasn't in that position so don't really know.

I think your anxiety over the unknown is taking over. Please be aware of that and try not to make decisions based on that. Sometimes we want to control things and get on with it so we don't have to wait for that other shoe to drop. Slow down and be careful. I know you have a lot of fears, money being one but you have to do what's right for you, no regrets.

So don't let his actions or your L or your C push you into doing something you're not ready for. They have pieces of your best interests at heart, that don't have all of it. That's yours. From you posts it seems like you sometimes make decisions based on what you think others think you "should" do.

Slow down, dig deep, what does Melissa want? What's good for Melissa?

((( )))

[labug]

Oh and one more thing...I know you've heard this before, this is really about saving you and sometimes, marriages are saved.

There are lots of success stories on this board, very few of them include saved marriages.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=paul19510]M, regardless of your stance on H texting with this OW from a moral standpoint, its good you know, because it shows you in no uncertain terms he's done. it helps you to make further decisions.


How on earth can you say it shows he's done? MANY of the reconciled marriages here, involved affairs...

Just had to say that. To ME, having an OP in the mix may well end it FOR THE LBSer,

( we do have our pride and for many, the trust is irretrievably broken, particularly with repeated or long term affairs (that go on for years while the cheater flat out denies it)

but to say an A means the WAS is "more done" is not something that the data supports as far as I know.

It's also a bit counter intuitive to me. I think when there are deep problems in a marriage OR a spouse, the spouse who can walk away and has NO other person waiting in the wings, is MORE PREPARED to live alone and be "done" than the WAS who is having an A.

The "A" is the escape hatch for the undecided, the straw that broke the back, etc and has the promise of better things and it's a lot faster for that person to disappoint, to reveal their true selves, (& that the grass is NOT greener over there with them)

than for a WAS who is so unhappy with his/her life that they'd choose to be alone rather than with their families,

It makes it SLOWER to reconcile, maybe... but I absolutely know couples who reconciled after an affair.
[b]
I'm not positive, but my guess is that most of the couples HERE who have Recon, had affairs involved.

Just wanted to comment on that original statement.

The clarity an affair discovery provides, to ME, is when there were fewer signs of trouble in the marriage, and the explanation for the separation becomes more apparent. I think it tends to lessen our questioning. So, yay for that.

As long as it does not end our personal efforts at becoming better partners and parents, then the clarity is advantageous.

IF it makes us b!tter people instead of bEtter people, that is a compounding tragedy.

It eliminates the chance for a reconciliation, it stops the progress of the LBSer as a person, and it hurts everyone.


.

[25yearsmlc]

25 has some very good things to think about.

well, (cough cough) if you say so... Labug is a genius, obviously...


I'll be brief. If this, what shall we call it...dalliance of your H's is a deal breaker, so be it. I have an idea I would have filed in that case but I wasn't in that position so don't really know.

I want to echo parts of this^^. First, We do NOT KNOW if this is a PA. It's something inappropriate, and it suggests a strong interest in her, on his end and perhaps an interest in him on her end.

But since he isn't open about it, I have to assume there are no plans for the big reveal.

Second, Melissa, there are some horror stories YOURS DOES NOT Fit

which I am now referring to, wherein a WAS "announces his TRUE love" to the world, and introduces the OP into their family and social circles AS IF IT EXPLAINS everything! Like the families will slap their foreheads and say "Ah, But of course!"

They brag, cluelessly, (& often times cruelly,) about their "real love" and they want others to share in their joy!

THAT is the type of thing that is so tough for the LBSer to experience, let alone get past, B/C it takes the personal breach of trust, into the public eye.

Your h has not done this, yet. And we hope he won't and as you point out, there are good reasons for him to withhold this information, for now...but it's not indefinite. If he thinks it's love, he'll be "really happy" to tell others, sooner than you think. You may even negotiate better while he thinks you don't know b/c he wants to keep it hidden.

Like agreeing up front, on YOUR END< that YOU won't "bring new OM into the kids lives unless it's a serious R, and of course only with a man who would LOVE The kids as their father does"... (I told my h that, btw. You know, to reassure him that I would be sensitive to the issue. It sure seemed to stun him. Like he may have contemplated that I would date, but did not seem to realize what that might eventually mean, as in, I bring the man home to meet the kids and get their buy in. As in a step father...

But yes, if this is a deal breaker, I'm not judging. I also can tell you'd make a distinction between a one night stand or drunken romp, and an ongoing deceitful r with OP, which is an A. Your h is not in a clearly defined r with her, yet. Whether it's a dalliance, a total fantasy, or a full on affair, we don't know!

IF I'd been in your shoes, (and this is NOT a suggestion, just an observation), IF I believed it was a PA, I think, but do not "know", that I would have filed. I don't think I'm proud or ashamed of that. It's just what I believe about myself. Thankfully I did not have that issue to confront.

If my h had a "public" affair as I described above^^, and later was sorry and wanted to reconcile, I probably would never know b/c I'd have filed and moved on. (In which case my h probably would never tell me of his wishes. HIS pride would have kicked in.)


But an affair that few people knew of, AND that he regretted...who knows? I don't.

Cross that bridge if you come to it, when you come to it.


I think your anxiety over the unknown is taking over. Please be aware of that and try not to make decisions based on that. Sometimes we want to control things and get on with it so we don't have to wait for that other shoe to drop. Slow down and be careful. I know you have a lot of fears, money being one but you have to do what's right for you, no regrets.

So don't let his actions or your L or your C push you into doing something you're not ready for.

THIS^^^^ IS GOLD ADVICE. Please consider it thoroughly.

Melissa, Right now two women, Labug and I, are telling you to just slow down a bit. We have been around here a long time and we both are reconciled.




They have pieces of your best interests at heart, that don't have all of it. That's yours. From you posts it seems like you sometimes make decisions based on what you think others think you "should" do.

Slow down, dig deep, what does Melissa want? What's good for Melissa?

((( )))

[Underdog]

Melissa,

Yep, I'm in the office today. What a crappy drive in! Fortunately, I'm armed with coffee and a space heater at my feet.

25, I'm going to paste something about Colorado law on filing for separation and divorce:

Article on Colorado divorce vs separation

Instead of filing for separation, since my XH was not sure he wanted a D, we were advised to create a Memorandum of Understanding. We did all the work required to satisfy the state if we were to file for separation without doing so. It gave us both some legal tentacles (let's say if I decided to run up the credit card or he inherited $$ from his aunt) without officially going on the books. I simply had to address my fear of standing on a street corner with much less earning potential and 2 kids. Likewise, my XH grew up in a poor family and had a huge fear that I'd run up the credit cards and go buy a new Lexus. So we both took care of our major anxiety while we waited out his lengthy decision.

My big fear, honestly, is financial, and the corresponding change in my lifestyle. Selling the house, getting a job, living on a lot lower income. That's the stuff that scares me. I hope that doesn't sound too materialistic . . . but it's going to be a lot of changes.

Melissa, I COMPLETELY understand. And your fear is valid. It came true in my case. I'm self employed and my XH makes good money. But seriously, I'm still happier. I'm not saying I didn't love going on great vacations every year - because I did. I'm not saying I don't miss not having to budget every damn penny I have, because I wish I had that kind of cash now. But I am seriously OK. My girls don't go without and it's enough for me that I'm loved by many and I don't have to go without. It's been a real gain for me to live with gratitude. I don't mean I wasn't grateful for my life before, because I was. But living humbly and doing without at times has made me feel truly blessed when things come together. I'd much rather live the way I do than to be married to someone who doesn't want to love me or be with me. No amount of income could make me feel more like a whore than to do that.

You're very educated, and I know full well that a J.D. from UVA is worth something. If you don't want to practice law, so what? Use the connections you have through their incredible alumni network to help you connect with people here. I know they work. I met my dentist 23 years ago from looking at the Georgetown dentistry alumni book. My sister has always used her USNA connections to find fabulous jobs. So be creative. Put yourself out there.

OK. I am done pleasing my H. Not to say I will intentionally piss him off, but if he gets pissed bc I am taking care of myself, so be it.

That's not punishment, friend. That's creating and enforcing a boundary.

I don't preach spirituality here, because I believe it's a very personal issue and everyone is entitled to how they feel. But I'm a very spiritual person. I believe that God/the universe wants me to be happy. If my XH and I are meant to be together, then nothing will stand in our way of doing just that. No D decree is going to prevent that.

I know you think I'm crazy for being friends with Mr. Wonderful. But he was my friend first. I couldn't imagine losing him as a friend. He was infiltrated into my family as brother and son as well as cousin and friend. He's not a bad person. If he WAS a bad person, I couldn't be friends with him. But his big sin was falling out of love with me. I can forgive that. But his actions show that he values me as a person and loves me as such. He's still close to my family and I'm still close with his. It works for us, Melissa. It doesn't mean that he doesn't get griped with me or call me out; and it sure as heck doesn't mean that we don't argue or think each other is a d!ck or a biatch. We do. What it does mean is that I no longer expect him to fill a role that he clearly doesn't want, nor do I expect to step in and fill that role in his play. No D could ever change how I feel about him.

I was never happy about his decision to walk away and never look back. But we're all human and flawed and I truly believe that 99% of us do the best job we can. My 99% may be better than his, but I can't discount that. Some of us just step up to the plate and decide to clean up our own houses before others. It's never too late to do the work.

As far as finding another mate goes, you're also unnecessarily alarming yourself for nothing. It all happens in good time. When everyone is ready. When you get a chance, listen to Rascal Flatts' The Broken Road. I believe it with all my heart.

So, is hiding behind fear changing anything for you? What IF it comes true? How would you manage? Don't give it life, Melissa. Acknowledge it, and then make the plans you want to make for yourself. One of my favorite books - recommended by a former DBer and friend IRL - is called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffries. It's liberating!

Change is inevitable, Melissa. It's necessary for growth. The key to embracing it is to decide that you're going to make it work for you - however you can. You sure seem like a survivor, so I'm not worried that you won't discover resources you don't realize you have. And neither should you.

Hugs!

Betsey