Mimi . . . it really is a fantasyland. Honestly, up until tonight, I still kept thinking "this was my fault. I f-ed up." I didn't really believe that I didn't cause this, or that my H is just purely selfish, or that he is having a MLC, or whatever. OK. I get it now. He's f-ed up. It's not my fault. No matter how green my grass is, he's looking for something greener. I cannot possibly fulfill his fantasy, because it doesn't exist IRL.
OK. What am I scared about? Well, before, I was scared that I would be giving up the chance to save my M. I think I am over that now. That's like holding an umbrella in a typhoon.
I am not scared to take care of kids myself. I can do that. And if I am being honest, in a lot of ways it is easier, less stressful, and more fun being with them without H.
I am a little scared of being alone for - possibly forever. Having to find someone new, if I ever want male companionship again. Being afraid of getting dumped again. All that stuff. But that's stuff for another day, and there is nothing I can do about that anyway.
My big fear, honestly, is financial, and the corresponding change in my lifestyle. Selling the house, getting a job, living on a lot lower income. That's the stuff that scares me. I hope that doesn't sound too materialistic . . . but it's going to be a lot of changes.
I would like to find peace. I'm not sure how. I don't know if I will be able to sleep soundly at night, convinced I did the right thing, no matter what I decide. Or maybe I will, but I just can't tell right now.
Back to what 25 said about making the right decisions for my children . . . I think that getting this done is the right thing to do for them. They are in limbo too. And it has to be hard. And on top of that, I think that no matter how much I hide it, they are smart, and they will know that I am flailing if I continue to do so. And if I let H run the show and continue to make a fool of me and a mockery of our M, while I just sit there trying not to rock the boat, I will become more and more resentful. And that won't be good for my kids.
OK. I am done pleasing my H. Not to say I will intentionally piss him off, but if he gets pissed bc I am taking care of myself, so be it.
LCD. I like it. Perhaps I will call my H LCD temporarily until I can think of a more classy name. (Mr. Wonderful is a good one - I need one like that.)
BTW, Betsey - let me know if you go into the office tomorrow.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
