I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

AnotherStander, Thank you for calling me out on that! I mean I see the benefit of bettering myself, but there is a huge part of me that wants her to see it. I guess I struggle with patience on all of this. The idea of this stretching out for weeks, months, years, well, it just feels like being an ant on Everest.

Like tonight, she is staying "elsewhere" and I knew I was coming home to an empty house,(not including pets). It still kills me, and makes the mind wander, where is she, what is she doing with him. It just makes me sick!!! I get home usually between 10-11pm. So, its not like I can go out, and I am wound up so I cant sleep. Nor do I want to.

Its like you were saying about what you did early on. I mean yeah, I was kinda hoping that there would have been some comment or reaction to me not coming home until late. I mean I can see it was good for me, to go out. I am more of a homebody these days. I don't go out with friends at night, I stay home. I mean most of my friends are married with kids, lol. Like I said I never said where I went to watch the game, but really I just went to my sisters house, which was great. I can see that it might help with me getting used to going out again. That staying home and watching the game with her, was not wanted or really going to improve anything.

Your comments, about how many times did she call/text. I mean dead on, and that's hard. I guess I am still reeling that this is happening. I think, wow, and I might have to go through that for along time. I mean I walk this line, where sometimes I am fine. If I stay busy, like right now, typing this, instead of snooping, I am better.

Let me first say, I do want my marriage to work. I still love her with all of my heart. At the same time, being honest here, there is a part of me that feels like, "why does she get to out and have fun, and fool around, and I am stuck here". I wont go dating, I still wear my ring, and the idea of perusing another woman turns me off. I have no interest in that, I guess really, I just feel like, "I don't deserve to be treated like this, while she is out doing that and I have to remain true". At the same time, I want to do whatever it takes to save our marriage. I don't want anybody else.

You know you just saw right through me. All those feeling I have of disbelief of what she is doing, I was hoping she would have a similar reaction to what I did. Its two sided, I know it is to better me, but I also want her to see. I know she will may what I am doing and is possibly watching, and that this takes time. But again, I am impatient, lol. I want her to see it now!

I really had no idea how wrapped up in her I am/was. Not having her around, its like missing a part of myself.

But, I can tell I needed to hear that. Isaw your post and was like, "oh cr*p! He just saw right through it, lol" I needed that. I did have the illusion of what might happen. It was hard to decide whether to stay her or go out that night. Even though I had those hopes, I am glad I did. Being here would not have helped things at all.

I'll keep reading, and figuring out what how to get on top. Though about taking a trip, just to get out of "this", thought it might give me a break to come at it fresh. Get a break from all of this negativity, and come back refreshed. However I don't know how relaxed I would be. Think I might just be worried, like is she bringing him in my house, or will I come home and find my house empty. So not sure yet about that idea. We'll see. Ill just keep on keeping on for now.