((((((Melissa))))) don't need t say much more. While my W hasn't said the words her actions have spoken for her. You H seems to have been clear in both ways.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Oh jeez. When I was at the L's office, she repeatedly told me that my H clearly had an OW. I wasn't super convinced that there was a particular OW, but yes, acknowledge he is definitely looking for one.
Then I started thinking . . .
And yes, I went and looked at the messaging activity on H's phone (we share a cellular plan).
Hundreds. I mean hundreds, if not thousands of texts between him and this one same number. Starting in the wee hours on Christmas Eve, and continuing strong up through today. At all times of the day. Morning, afternoon, night, 2 a.,m. You name it.
So naturally I look up the phone number. It's a woman from his gym. (Shocker. Not.) I knew her name sounded familiar but was trying to place which one it was . . . so I looked her up on FB. She is married.
Uggggghhhhhhhhh.
Look, I don't think it's mindreading or assuming to conclude that this is not a casual friendship. There are days when the texts are flying ALL DAY LONG. I have no idea what this woman's marital status is (other than it says she is M on FB) - maybe she is also S. I sure hope so, because otherwise that is so wildly inappropriate, and I am so grossed out. Eh, even if she is S, I am still grossed out.
Like I said to 3 earlier . . . sometimes snooping is helpful. You know honestly, this doesn't even hurt me that much. (It does, but it's not a punch in the gut like it would have been a month or two ago.) But it helps me to really and truly understand what's up with my H.
Melissa <= facing reality.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
You and I are both grossed out right now. F*cking people man...
I really hope you figure out what to do. I hope you figure out a way to find peace. This sh*t storm you're in sure makes it difficult.
Thanks, 2TH.
This is going to sound weird, but I think that the timing of all this has worked out pretty well. In the sense that I really am able to handle this now, whereas I wouldn't have been a few months ago.
So I guess I should thank my H for getting douchier and douchier slowly, so it gave me some time to get used to it.
I truly thought, at the time that H moved out, that we were going in the right direction.
Wrong.
He is going in the completely opposite direction.
Perhaps (though I doubt it), someday he will come back in my direction. But that's not something I am going to even waste time hoping for right now. I have got to put my energy into my kids and rebuilding my own life.
I think I know what I am going to do. I need to sleep on it, and get the answers to some details about money and custody and what happens between filing and final orders, but unless the answers are really far off from what I think they are, I am going to file.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
So sorry Melissa. The grass is always greener in the fantasy land of our WASs minds.
I hope w/ whatever you choose to do moving forward, you'll begin to have peace of mind & direction, more and more.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
You know that moving forward is happening, no matter what forces it, right? It's totally understandable and okay that you're scared. Just make sure you know what you're really scared of. Living alone? Check. You're doing that, and a good job there. Being responsible for the kids without emotional support? Check. You got that covered too. Not having financial resources? What exactly terrifies you? Then just do it anyway.
No, it didn't change things for me at all. I told you that story to show how far my XH was willing to go to maintain his P/A stance. What made me unhappy was the fact that he accompanied it by saying, "I'm giving you the D you want anyway." Not that he filed, but that he didn't own his feelings.
I really feel this is not relevant anyway. Remember, I dragged his ass to the mediator within 3 weeks of him moving out. I needed to have a very clear agreement between us how we were going to manage our money and clearly stipulate our rules of engagement. So for the 2 years I was in marital limbo, I was not living with the fear of "what if..." It's what *I* needed to manage my own anxiety. We have a disabled daughter, and I needed to know whether or not he was going to get with the program or run away completely. It was a 50-50 proposition at that time, at least in my head. And we created the rules for our family that worked for us. When we didn't agree, Bill took control and gave us legal framework that we could renegotiate. I won some rounds, and he won others.
So by the time he filed, I already knew I could take care of my household by myself. I already knew what it was like to have to make big girl decisions without his moral support. I already knew that I would come out okay no matter what.
So I kind of feel that I got my fears relieved by managing where my true anxiety lay. Make sense?
I completely agree with what Paul said. Totally and completely. I will just advocate for making sure that whatever you choose, you're at peace. I realize you don't want to break up your family. But because the least common denominator appears to want that, you have to choose your battles and make sure that you look out for yourself and the kids too. If you had to choose "pissing your H off" at your expense (or worse.. The kids) who would you choose to please more? In case it isn't obvious, isn't Melissa the one who should have Melissa's back?
Anyway, that's my $.02. I don't have much more in my wallet to give you anyway.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Mimi . . . it really is a fantasyland. Honestly, up until tonight, I still kept thinking "this was my fault. I f-ed up." I didn't really believe that I didn't cause this, or that my H is just purely selfish, or that he is having a MLC, or whatever. OK. I get it now. He's f-ed up. It's not my fault. No matter how green my grass is, he's looking for something greener. I cannot possibly fulfill his fantasy, because it doesn't exist IRL.
OK. What am I scared about? Well, before, I was scared that I would be giving up the chance to save my M. I think I am over that now. That's like holding an umbrella in a typhoon.
I am not scared to take care of kids myself. I can do that. And if I am being honest, in a lot of ways it is easier, less stressful, and more fun being with them without H.
I am a little scared of being alone for - possibly forever. Having to find someone new, if I ever want male companionship again. Being afraid of getting dumped again. All that stuff. But that's stuff for another day, and there is nothing I can do about that anyway.
My big fear, honestly, is financial, and the corresponding change in my lifestyle. Selling the house, getting a job, living on a lot lower income. That's the stuff that scares me. I hope that doesn't sound too materialistic . . . but it's going to be a lot of changes.
I would like to find peace. I'm not sure how. I don't know if I will be able to sleep soundly at night, convinced I did the right thing, no matter what I decide. Or maybe I will, but I just can't tell right now.
Back to what 25 said about making the right decisions for my children . . . I think that getting this done is the right thing to do for them. They are in limbo too. And it has to be hard. And on top of that, I think that no matter how much I hide it, they are smart, and they will know that I am flailing if I continue to do so. And if I let H run the show and continue to make a fool of me and a mockery of our M, while I just sit there trying not to rock the boat, I will become more and more resentful. And that won't be good for my kids.
OK. I am done pleasing my H. Not to say I will intentionally piss him off, but if he gets pissed bc I am taking care of myself, so be it.
LCD. I like it. Perhaps I will call my H LCD temporarily until I can think of a more classy name. (Mr. Wonderful is a good one - I need one like that.)
BTW, Betsey - let me know if you go into the office tomorrow.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
