It's Time to Sing a Brand New Song

[Mimi00]

Back in June/July when my H BD'd, he wanted to get away from the aftermath of his BD and went see his family that lived 3 hrs away. After a week of NC and letting him breath 3 hrs away...it was July 4th and I texted him and asked what was he doing to celebrate, and if I could visit and watch the fireworks w/ him, if he didn't have plans? He said "sure, we're still family".... after reading that I changed my mind and said "sorry, I shouldn't have asked", but then he begged me to come and told me his Aunt (my favorite person in his family), wanted to see me. So I went.

I got there are found out he had told his whole family that he was getting a D. Color me embarrassed. But his Aunt was still kind to me and told me "there are two sides to every story" and we talked as normal about various things and enjoyed the evening. We were discussing a certain Chef that was in the News at the time. She loves to cook and she mentioned a certain brand of cookware that the Chef had during the conversation; how nice, but expensive it was.

Since then, every time I see that brand of cookware in stores I think of her.

Funny enough, the cookware set is the same one I asked my H to buy me for Christmas 3 years ago (he didn't get it for me)...

So the cookware set went on sale and I decided to buy myself one and one for his aunt. I was a little nervous about buying something for her; we still "like" each others pictures on FB and she comments when I post something interesting, but I was still unsure (allowing my fear of what they would think of me; like if they'd think I was weird and ask why the "ex" sending us stuff? b/c as far as they know we are D'd.)

I went against my fear and sent it anyways. She received it today and posted a photo of it on FB saying thanks. Then she sent me a private message saying how she loves it and she's speechless for the first time and in tears.

I am happy I followed my feelings and got her the set. She took care of my H when his own mother wouldn't and she's always putting others needs before her own...so I am happy I was able to do something that made her feel good.

Do you think your H is going to be happy with living his stress free life forever? Or will he want more? Who knows. I guess it doesn't matter.

Well, when we last talked (well he talked, I listened and rolled my eyes) he had just taken a vacation and said how much he "needed to just get away". I wanted to be a sarcastic jerk and say "whaaaat? you needed to get away and take a break from your utopia???? no wayyy?!!!"

Oh well.

I remember toward the beginning of my sitch, I finally understood why people contemplated suicide. I did not; I would NEVER do that bc I am too much of a weenie but more importantly bc I have two kids. But I thought, OH. Now I get it. You really can feel so bad that you see no hope and no point. Thankfully, I feel somewhat better now, but I still would never wish this on anyone.

Yes, there are some days when I think about the future and I get excited. Then other days when I think about the future and I don't know how I am going to make it, it's going to be hard work to get to where I want to be.

When H and I started a relationship I was 22 yrs old in grad school....I graduated, we married. Then his career became the focus, we moved where he would be most successful and my goals went on the back burner and new goals were created to the bettering of "US". Now it's like I am in the same position I was in before grad school, I actually make less money than I made when I was in school before my degree. Hilarious..... o_O

So yeah.... realizing I lost 7 years and I am (in many ways, not all) no better off at 30 than I was at 22...[censored]. Then to think of all the hard work I need to do to make up for lost and wasted time can be overwhelming. I too understand how people feel like they just don't have the strength to continue on. But I know I am much better off than so many people on this earth and I just have to count my blessings and keep moving. I will get to my destination soon enough.

We all will.