On to Divorce and still litigating...new life.

[labug]

So sorry, Floyd.

[FloydMan]

Just sooo tired of being beaten up.

[golf mom]

I'm so sorry, Floyd. Boy, do I understand. I'm so tired of dealing with all the legal stuff. Do you now what it will take to settle? Is there something that she's holding out for? Are you in a position to give it to her so you can be done? In my sitch it's money. Xh is having trouble keeping up with expenses so his solution is to try and force a sale of my house, hopefully getting a chunk of equity, so he can live comfortably in the house he bought with OW. This is insanity. Hang in there. Truly, it won't last forever. At some point this will just seem like a blip on your long journey.

[Lostforwords]

Floyd,

Hang in there brother...focus on those kids. Being a great parent will get you through the BS.

As for life being fair, unless I missed a forum email or something, last I knew it wasn't. Life is what you make of each moment and if YOU make each moment great....Then life will be great in all the insanity.

GM-Side note....In my state you would probably own half the house he lives in with the OW....Just saying in case your lawyer hasn't thought of that. Unless you are already divorced of course, but I am not familiar with your situation.

[FloydMan]

For her it is 2 things...money and control. She tried to get $90k from me in equalization of assets. The math does not equate as they used fake numbers and did not disclose everything. Now it is about $30k as they now agree to that. Ow ever, she ran up $30k from our accounts after separation and I could not close the accounts as they were joint and needed both signatures. I paid for mortgage payments and the car (payments) to protect my credit as she was not contributing. So it should be even. They are trying to scam the $30k I paid out. I made an offer for a chunk of that just to close it, but is rejected. On the control front we have 50/50 on the kids but wants control over the schedule at her convenience and the choice of the vacations. She still is not responding to current expenses I am paying for like dentist bills etc. the bill is running up again.
Tons more controlling things with kids and putting hem in the middle. She told the kids about a vacation on my time and is supposed to get my approval first...I was wanting that time for trip. So she manipulates with guilt and kids. Long long story. More crazy accusations. Is trying to protect image. I think it is more about winning for her than being fair. I just want equity. She wants she want and she wants. However she owes she owes she owes,

[Lostforwords]

Floyd...I like you man and I do agree your situation with the courts is out of control.

My worry for you is that you are allowing her crud, her ongoing manipulation, and the stress of everything to control you. I see it on a lot of your posts to others....You give sound advice, but the tone it is delivered in spews wonton anger and frustration. This stuff will carry on for your beyond your current situation....unless you get it under control for yourself.

Come here and let the steam come out, but then build on it in a positive manner. At some point you have to let Floyd become the central character of your story, let go of the things you don't control, and move on. Let the lawyers battle it out. I would go as far as suggesting you double post from now on. One covering the lawyer BS...letting the steam out and then a second post highlighting the highs of your day.....whether it was a hot date or fun with the girls. Compartent each side of the situation.

[FloydMan]

Yes Lostforwords...you are absolutely right on it all.
It has been a long, hard few weeks (couple years) and it's not over.
The $100k divorce will go on and on and will escalate more $'s and more stress.
She knows what buttons to push....just so cruel. Nice didn't work. Amicable didn't work. Battle didn't work. Indifference...thought I tried, but maybe not or not enough or long enough. It is more about winning for her rather than reason or logic. Control obsessed she is. You're right, gotta control myself. Thought I tried that too.
Fun with the girls would be great...though it is all the father and duty stuff lately. No time for the fun part. That is what is bugging me too I think. I don't know. Soooo tired.

[ericmsant2]

Floydman,

I caught up on your thread….

She just wants misery for me, to frustrate me and to see me fail.

It may not be that way for her. She may just be scared and trying to get every nickel she can. Chances are this has more to do with HER than YOU. Although, when you are on the receiving end it sure does not feel that way.

She's a bully and will always be one

Sounds like my XW. Believe it or not, she may have learned this from YOU. I am not being critical of you – not at all. Just that in HER eyes – YOU may have been the bully to her. So since she is incapable of seeing her role in this; she defers to what SHE BELIEVES she needs to do. Be a bully. My XW is still this way, even after years. Your best bet – stay away from her.

but coparenting is next to impossible

Look up parallel parenting. Chances are you will be using this approach for a LOOOOONNNNGGG time. It is not the greatest, but when that is all you got, that is all ya got.

The only part that cares or wishes her well is that she is well and affects the kids positively. I have to be around as I need to know they are okay. Right now they are not.

I wished I could tell you that the kids will not be impacted. Sorry man, chances are they will. You though can try and minimize it. Believe it or not, they will figure it out. It will not mean that they do not love their mom. They will. They always will. They will also realize just how F up she can be. They will forgive her though.

In my own sitch ….for a while…I wanted my kids to hate my XW for her actions and what she put them through. I wondered why they never seemed to be mad at her. Then it hit me. EXPECTATIONS. They expect so little from her. I had to come to the realization that as long as THEY were happy that I was happy – even if they could overlook everything she had done and continued to do….if they were HAPPY that is all we really want for our kids- right?

from AJM…….They need you to guide them how to release that anger and they'll look for examples

Yep. You do not always have to sugar coat stuff for them but be careful what you say. Allow them to express how they feel and I’m sure someone already reminded to you to validate them.

I had asked my exW last night if she would speak on the phone or over a coffee about how we can work on together in getting them help and align on a united front for a game plan that is consistent messaging. Today she declined and said we'd revisit the counselling idea in a few months.

For me, it has been years and XW and I have NO communication. Personally, I would suggest that you give up the idea of trying to co parent with her. It will only continue to frustrate you. As much as it [censored], work directly with the kids. You may find that it is much easier.

Classic her...sweeping things under the carpet until they pop up more problematic later on.

Note my earlier point – It is ALL ABOUT HER. You do not matter (as long as you continue to pay what she is entitled to), the kids matter as long as it is on HER terms. In terms of future problems….chances are your W is not worried about the future right now – why should she? She knows you love the kids and will do anything for them, so do you really think if it is not about HER that she cares. You’ll fix it later.

She tells the kids already before she asked me so that was manipulative.

Because everything is about HER.

Bottom line, trying to deal with her about kid issues is going to suck for a while. Your best best- Totally ignore her. Just deal with the kids. Now, if the kids get rushed to the hospital, then yeah call her – other than that – NO CONTACT.

Now as for your Divorce….stop wasting money going back and forth. The L’s are the only ones making out. If your L feels that the offer you put forth was fair. Then just go to court. I am not sure what state you are in. If it is mine (CT) then I tread lightly. CT tends to hang man by the ba**s.

You do not need to be nice anymore.

This is a business transaction. Do not think for a second that if she can get an extra nickel she will do whatever to get it.

I’ll close with this……

It gets better dude. Much better than you can ever imagine.

I have a great R with my kids. A 50/50 split.

I have dealt with the parental interference issues successfully (my XW tried to poison mine against me – actually still tries with my D).

The kids know the truth and still love their mom. They just do not expect much from her.

I have no contact with XW, which is EXCELLENT

Work has gotten better

My life has gotten better

Finances have turned around. I am almost out of debt.

Life is truly good…..

It get’s better Floyd…it really does man! Create as much distance between you and her. Keep being the best dad you can be.

Chances are your XW…will for a while continue to do things that piss you off, that you may take personal. Don’t. Welcome to the world of dealing with someone totally broken, scared and self centered.

Focus on YOUR life Floyd…..only YOU life.


God Bless,
Eric

[FloydMan]

Wow Eric....this is great stuff. Thank you. You and everyone else are so kind to spend the time on this. It is so hard these crazy negotiations right now. The insults, the bad faith, the manipulation and position she puts the kids in. The demand for more cash from her last counter offer. It is very emotional and stressing. Divorce is so ugly...could have been amicable and fair but that is not her MO. Terrible.
I have a date tonight but hope I clear my head to be myself.

[dxw689]

FloydMan: hang in - Eric's post above is such an inspiration and YOU have been an inspiration to me. I am trying to learn to let it go. You can too. Enjoy your kids - Enjoy your date!!!