Introduction - What direction to go?

[Accuray]

JayKay3,

That's a tough situation for sure! To answer your last question first, yes, I believe affairs can turn into friendships. People have affairs for a variety of different reasons and get different things out of them. That said, whether this woman is his friend or not isn't the point, the point is that their relationship is not okay with you!

You two are at an impasse, you want him to make a change in his life and he doesn't want to do it. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to force him to make that change, so it's up to you to determine if you can continue to tolerate that friendship or not.

If you decide you can tolerate it, then you need to find a way to make peace with it -- maybe reach out to OW yourself and try to make a connection with her. If you know each other better you may not feel as threatened and she may feel more of a sense of proper boundaries. Seek some professional help to determine what if anything you can do to find peace with the situation.

If you decide you cannot tolerate it, then it really doesn't matter what counter-arguments he makes. The point is that you will not live in an open marriage, and you feel that his relationship with OW crosses a boundary that you are not comfortable with. Therefore, if he wants to be in a relationship with YOU, he needs to end the relationship with OW and go "no contact" now and forever. This is not a negotiation, there is no give and take. This is you stating a boundary that is based on your personal integrity.

What you have to accept is that you are not seeking to control him. He can do whatever he wants, including leaving you if you take this position, it's up to him to decide. You're simply putting it out there like this:

"H, I believe in our marriage. I know I've made mistakes in the past and that my actions hurt you. I know I've made some bad decisions that hurt both of us. I could give you a lot of excuses for why I did these things or made these decisions, but the point is that it doesn't matter, because they hurt you, and I am sorry for that. I'm interested in making things right going forward, and continuing to invest in our marriage the way I've been doing. In order for me to continue to do that, I cannot be in an open marriage. Although I understand that you are comfortable with your relationship with OW, it is over the line for me, and I can't live with it. If you would like to be in a relationship with me, your relationship with OW needs to end. I'm not telling you what to do or trying to control you, the choice is yours. I hope you choose to be in a marriage with me, I'm sure we can have a great one, but it is for you to decide."

Something like that.

Either that or you have to find a way to accept it as-is. There's not really going to be a compromise here that works.

Acc