melissag XII - must. detach.

[melissag]

Hi guys. Thanks for the replies. My kids are happily playing in the jacuzzi right now (why didn't I think of this idea when I needed an hour to cry earlier in my sitch?) so I have a bit of time to post.

I am not sure that I have a 100% clear thinking cap at all right now, and might not for a while. Yet I still need to make decisions.

I think that if there was not the issue of H's partnership interest, I would probably take a few weeks to think. But I am not sure I have that luxury. If I were to lose out on hundreds of thousands of dollars bc I was too afraid to pull the trigger, that would be a major regret. And, I am sure, a whole boat load of resentment toward H.

I do not want to be the one to file for D. But I wonder if that's some sort of principle that is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

labug. What Melissa wants is the M and the H I thought I had. But wanting that has kept me stuck. Right now, wanting that is like wanting the sky to be green. Constant disappointment.

About H's change of status with his law firm. Long story short, he has tons of extra time b/c his firm doesn't keep him that busy, and he can make a lot more money providing counsel to clients (his clients, not firm clients) outside of the firm. So he would still work for the firm's clients through the firm in an of counsel role, while having an outside consulting business to augment his income. He started talking about this before BD, but I don't know if it is all coincidental, or if he has been divorce planning for longer than I know.

I REALLY want to believe that he is not trying to be sneaky, but I just cannot trust him. It breaks my heart to think that, but it's the undeniable truth. Most of what he has said since BD has been said to further his own agenda, not to honor the truth or look out for my interests or feelings.

I wasn't very careful with my words when I said that being nice has gotten me nowhere. i didn't mean that I would now be mean, or unkind, or anything of the sort. I think what I meant by "nice" in the first place was more like, "accommodating" or "doormat." It was as if I didn't want to bother him, and I just wanted to please him and never do anything that might upset him (even to my detriment) . . . and where am I now? I am still in the exact same place. Except feeling even dumber for asking "how high" when he asks me to jump.

The issue is more that I feel like a mean person if I file. I feel like a mean person if I take money out of our joint account. WHY??

That is true, I do not KNOW with certainty that I am getting a D either way. But look, if H decides he doesn't want to get D (highly unlikely at this point), then what difference does it make whether I file or not? Is me filing going to stop him from wanting to R?

All I am saying is, you will never regret behaving like a woman of strength and dignity, who faced a hard blow to the heart with the courage to make some big changes in herself and her life.

Can't I still do this if I file? I think that it takes courage for me to file, because it means that I have to accept what is, and take the steps to make sure I am OK.

I just want to make sure that I am not filing because I think it will somehow make me feel better. I don't think I am. I recognize that I will still have to go through this same grieving/healing process regardless of who files. I do think that I will feel surface better in a way, knowing that I have some control over what is happening, rather than just sitting around waiting to see what my H decides to do. When I do that, I tend to start feeling victimized, which is a role I have no interest in playing.

The money would be less than half of what is in the joint account. So it wouldn't be slimy or sneaky. And honestly, my H probably won't notice either.

About my C . . . this whole time, she has been helping me with whatever direction I want to go. Which, for the most part, has been trying to repair my M. It wasn't until I indicated last week (after getting the next steps email) that this seems that it will really happen, that she mentioned not dragging this out.

Which was that I did not want to look myself in the mirror when I'm 90 years old and have to face that I made some decisions NOT in the best interests of my kids.

Melissa, consider this proposal: do right by your kids, and you will never regret it. Start with that.

For once in my life, I just don't have a strong feeling one way or the other. ACK!

I think that what is in the best interest of my kids is for H and I to work on our M and raise them in a happy, intact home. But that is not one of my options. And sitting around meekly waiting for my H to decide my life (and potentially give away a rather valuable marital asset) doesn't seem like a good alternative.

I think I can stand up for myself and still go through this with dignity and grace. I don't ever want my kids to think I am a victim. And I think that if I allow H to drive this bus (and potentially rape me financially in the process), I will always see myself as a victim and him as the perpetrator. I think that is bad for my self esteem and bad for my future co-parenting R with my H.

The problem I am having with filing myself really comes down to it being ME who made this happen. But that's just BS. It's not like me not filing is going to stop him from filing.